Putita, puttana

Okay, I think I'll blame it on the cold and the difficulty of translating, even with web translators.

I had the same argument today with Racer as I did with Rapido in August/September. It had to do with being called what Google translates into "whore" or "bitch". So, of course, I'd naturally take offense. Rapido was calling me "putita". Racer is calling me "puttana".

Today, I angrily objected and said that I'm not a whore. Racer clarified that I was not "una puttana", but "la mia puttana". Then he explained that, in love, being called someone's bitch is a compliment, not an insult. And suddenly, I remembered that Rapido said the exact same thing several months ago.

I dunno. I still object to the term which I feel is demeaning.

Then Racer calls me "la mia schiava in amore". "Schiava" means "slave", so I again angrily objected. Much later, I realized he was actually trying to be intimate but all these terms were pushing my buttons.

Maybe I should just lighten up. :)

So far, I agreed to be his "amante", but not his "puttana" and not his "schiava". He wants me to be his slave so that I would give him sex when he demands it. I told him I'd give it to him anyway, but as his lover, not as his slave. And he was happy with that. Then he gave two more demands, and I said I would do them only if he asks nicely, instead of demanding. He agreed.

*sigh* This affair is going to take some work.


Happy New Year, everyone!

Racer

I took Alt #11 to Bogart's yesterday. I've been sick since I got back home from my holiday travels and I was feeling miserable. I just needed company.

Actually, I was standing outside Bogart's cam-snooping inside to see who was there and perving people's profiles. Suddenly, I heard a ding-ding. It was a message from someone I couldn't even see inside the ballroom. It turned out he was standing next to me outside the ballroom.

He was very direct. He asked me to dance with that first message. I agreed, he thanked me, and he started walking into the ballroom. I asked him if he realized he had no shoes on. He apologized and said that he was distracted. And the shoes he put on were sneakers. Well, he wasn't wearing a tux. He was wearing a shirt and tie with light colored pants, so I guess the sneakers weren't so out of place.

And he goes fast. Within five minutes of agreeing to dance with him, I learned he's divorced, how long he was married, how many kids he has, and how old he is. Two more minutes and I knew what he does for a living. It's not that I ask him these things; he volunteered them, almost as though he's going through a checklist. Three more minutes and he was asking for a kiss on the lips. I told him I prefer to go slower and kept the conversation on the work he does.

Because of his work, he is not in SL much during the summer. I asked if his romantic affairs usually ended when summer started. He said he had no romances and not many friends either, because "here are many stupid persons and not sincere." Then he added, "i like a woman sincere, sweet and sensual... i think you are all this." I asked him how he knew. This was 20 minutes after we met. He said it was by intuition that he knew.

He asked for the kiss again. I told him he moves fast. He said he drives race cars, so, yes, he moves fast. But after I emoted one, he said he would like to cuddle. I told him, "But at this speed, you'll want sex before we say goodnight." He promised that he's a gentleman.

About 35 minutes after we met, he had already indicated that he wanted to be my bf, he had told me his RL first name, and he had sent me his RL picture. He's a handsome man (the second handsome Italian younger man I met this month; the first one also wanted to be my bf the first day.... I must be broadcasting some vibes). "Racer" has a certain gentleness in his facial features and a certain nerdiness that I find charming.

He tp'd me to his friend's island. We danced a little, dipped in the pool a little, cuddled on the bed a little. I learned more about his family. And I learned that after more than a year in SL, he's still a SLirgin. I know, I know. Sounds incredible, right? But I went along.

An hour and a half after we met, I received two more pictures of him from the neck down. Naked. Damn, the man is sexy.

Long story short, two hours after we met, he was no longer a SLirgin. And neither was Alt #11.

We agreed to meet at 1pm the next day and we agreed to be exclusive for a month.

But something strange happened.

About an hour or so after he said goodnight, he logged back in. (I added him to my tracker so I could come over if he logged in earlier.) I IM'd him and asked if he couldn't sleep. No reply. I called his name. Still no reply. Then it seemed that he logged off, but he actually only hid his status from me. I thought it was rude but I figured I'd give him his space and confront him the next day instead. He logged in a couple more times for long periods until 1pm the next day. But at 1pm, he wasn't there.

At 1:30pm, I sent him a message saying that he doesn't have to hide from me anymore. I said that I was releasing him and that perhaps the reason he doesn't find sincere people in SL is because he himself isn't. Then I said goodbye and took him off my friends list.

At 3:15pm, he called me "crazy" after a string of question marks, followed by "goodbye". I said I wasn't crazy. I told him what happened. When it seemed like he had no idea what I was talking about, I realized that maybe his password was compromised. He doesn't think anybody else knows his password, however.

Then we argued about him not showing up when we agreed. He said he had a class irl, which he never mentioned. I said that, out of respect for my time, he should not have agreed to meet when he had a class. He said, "i not do you justification" and that he doesn't like jealous women. But he said "darling" both times, and how can you stay mad at someone who calls you "darling"?

I told him we couldn't be exclusive. I don't trust him enough at this point and he wants to be free to do what he wants. So, we're friends again, but just friends.

He said he was at a party with friends. I said I was dancing with someone else. But he changed his password like I told him to.

Tip: In an argument, if the other person is struggling with English, have them speak in their native language and use a translator instead. An argument is not the time for an additional layer of miscommunication.

Strange as it may seem, there's something refreshing about an argument with a new lover, if it's done right. It clears the air, assumptions are clarified, you know where you both stand, and in the middle of an argument, the masks tend to come off.

Now that I think about it, the lovers that I had arguments with tended to remain with me longer. Maybe part of that is because, if they didn't care about me so passionately, they wouldn't argue as passionately either; they'd just walk away.

Doms and divas

I rarely make enemies in Second Life. I rarely make enemies in real life either. But I've made a couple of enemies now. And what I've noticed is there's a specific trait that's common between them. They're both female doms.

Now, this isn't a scientific study, just personal observation. But male doms at least respect boundaries. Well, most do, not all. Recently, a male dom sent my alt an IM asking if I was submissive. I said, no. He thank me for my honesty, I thanked him for the direct question, and that was the end of it. No trying to convince me that I really want to be a slave. *That* is respect. And I respect him for according me that respect.

Female doms, on the other hand, simply assume that everyone on earth is their slave and should do as they please on their time. If you don't kiss their asses, they get mad at you and harass you. Sometimes, without provocation.

I had an altercation with one of those female doms who happened to be a designer for one of the MODA shows I was recently part of. She reprimanded me as though I were one of her slaves. She expected me to read her mind and style the outfit specifically as she would have wanted it, even though she neglected to provide instructions. She claimed that I ruined the entire show because of a single outfit. She expected me to chase after her and talk to her when it's convenient for her whether the time was convenient for me or not, simply because she thinks of it as *her* show. She would not even send me an offline IM or an email as I had asked her. No, she expected me to be there when she was there.

Her arrogance stuns me.

I do these shows on my time and I buy the things I need with my own money. Modeling is a time sink and a money sink for models. I started modeling to learn what happens in a show and to help me learn how to market my own products. Done that. These days, I only do it to return a big favor to Juju, who gives me air time for my Mer Betta ad.

Some designers act as though models owe them a big favor. That may be true for models who just want the fame and recognition. It's not for money, I can tell you that. Because models spend way more than they get back in return, even if you include the retail price of the clothes we wear. And sometimes, we don't even like the clothes we wear on the shows. But we go on the runway as though they were our favorite outfits and graciously accept them as part of our compensation. Because most of the time, that's all the compensation we get. Well, besides the intangibles, like the satisfaction of a job well done, etc.

Thankfully, there are designers who treat models wonderfully: Inga Wind, Dany Bimbogami, Leah McCullough, Shinichi Mathy, among others. These are people I would gladly do work for, paid or not, because they treat me as a collaborator in marketing their products, not as a slave.

People in the fashion industry warn about models who act like divas. But they don't talk about designers who act like divas. In real life, the designers can behave like divas because they pay the models very good money. In Second Life, well, ... show me the money.

If you pay me well enough, you can scream at me all you want. But, know that I have a very high price point, for good reason: I've achieved a lot in my real life and I know what I'm worth.

Barcelona del Oeste

Barcelona del Oeste is gone.

Well, the sim still exists, but the build is gone. When you teleport to the sim, you end up in a store up in the sky. At ground level, there's a sign that says:

REMODELACION SIM
"BARCELONA DEL OESTE"
ESTAMOS TRABAJANDO EN ELLO
DISCULPAD LAS MOLESTIAS

It saddens me. The original Barcelona del Oeste was also a mall after all, but it was more than just a mall. It had character. With monuments, a beach, park benches, a cathedral. It was a nice place to hang out and mellow out.

I had wonderful memories with friends dancing inside the Cafe or sitting on one of the tables in the plaza. I remember skating around the perimeter of the sim.

Now, it's gone. Like many of the treasures of Second Life.

Or, maybe it's symbolic. Maybe what I'm really grieving for is the end of my last affair. He hadn't been in for weeks now. I've lost count. I sent him email and joked asking if his doctor forbid him to come into Second Life because I'm likely to cause him a heart attack. He laughed. He replied that it's his computer technician who prevents him from installing Second Life. I figured if he really wanted to, he would find a way; I even told him about the text-based clients and offered to communicate by Skype like we used to. I think he really doesn't want to. He loves me, but he doesn't want to see me. And I couldn't accept that fact. Until now.

I had asked him to play an Il Divo song for me in his radio show when he thinks of me. Now, I listen to Il Divo and, instead of feeling immense joy with the rousing notes, I feel deep sadness.

So I stand here on the empty Barcelona del Oeste beach. After more than four years, I'm still not used to the transience of places and people in this world. And I may never.

Gifts

I received an order today for matching Ms.O.Lei-ny "Etched in Stone" sets with a custom message. The customer included a message for the recipient. She was releasing him unwillingly and this was a goodbye gift.

This is the first time I've heard of this product being used as a way to say goodbye. When I created it, it was meant to express love. I suppose, it still is. Sometimes, the greatest act of love is letting go.

From my perspective, she gave him two gifts. And the jewelry set is the lesser of the two.

I wish them both the best.


Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

Positive spin

I've updated my profile. I've been reading all these Law of Attraction stuff on the web and it said to put your wishes out to the world in positive terms, because what you focus on is what you get.

Okay.

So instead of the "Leave me be..." tab in my Picks, I now have this tab instead:

Love me...

... only if you understand that SL is NOT a game, because it isn't to me and my heart is not a plaything.

... only if you understand that drama is necessarily a part of any relationship that involves strong emotions, like love.

... only if you see the beauty of my avatar as a reflection of my creativity and my technical skill, and you could love, not the beauty you see, but the mind that created it.

... only if you don't expect me to fight for your affections, because love should be a willing coming-together of two souls, not a chasing-after. If I have to fight for you, you're not worth fighting for.

... only if you understand that SL is NOT separate from RL, and commitments made in SL have the same weight as commitments made in RL. Meeting me in a virtual world doesn't make me less human or less worthy of respect than people you meet in real life.

Runaway bride

Gracie Kendal is building a collection of pictures of avatars for "a project on identity and anonymity."

One of her friends took her to my glass house to view the morphing portraits and she invited me to pose for her. She thought I was kidding when I asked, "The question is how you want me to look... with a mermaid tail, with legs, darker skin, fair skin, red hair, blond hair, dark hair, formal, casual, ethnic, strange, masked, tattoos? Do you want my alts too? My alts don't have as many choices."

*grins*

Well, I decided on wearing the Mer Betta Pasithea and made a pose for the shoot, which we did today.

When I did my interview for MODA Spotlight, one of the tasks was to wear something that I felt represented me, and I wore the Pasithea then too. And here's why: I created the first bridal mermaid in Second Life. Ironically, Opal has never been partnered. In fact, only one of my alts has ever been partnered, and then I put her in hibernation immediately after, because it really was just a symbolic partnership.

Now, the intriguing aspect of Gracie's project is that all the avatars are facing away from the camera. And one of the photos she took of me with the custom pose looked as though I was swimming away from the camera. I remarked that I looked like a runaway bride, and I thought it was so appropriate.

One of my "rules" is that Opal will only be partnered in SL if I am engaged to the same man in real life. But I have long-term commitment issues in real life. Ergo, the runaway bride.

Gracie took more pictures using the poses in my Kamihitoe AO, so I don't know if she'll eventually use that runaway bride shot. But the project is on display as she continues to add photos to the collection. And not all the photos show up in her blog or Flickr, so check it out inworld.