Entrainment

The first time I heard the word "entrainment" was in a documentary, where they illustrated how people tend to walk in the same rhythm after a while.

It happens with me and some very close friends and, of course, with my sister.  We'd be saying the same thing at the same time, several times in a sequence.  Or, I would sense that a scheduled lunch would be delayed or postponed, because I'd have a hard time waking up that morning.

That seems to be happening more with me and Impy these days.  The odd way that we met again was probably the first incidence.  And very often since then, we would be in the same wavelength, typing the same thing, thinking the same thoughts.

And this past week, I've been having visions and "knowings" about him. No, I don't claim to be psychic.  So, we would test my "predictions."

Then, yesterday, he sent me a very sweet email about what I mean to him.  My heart melted, of course.  Later, he explained that, while driving, he suddenly sensed a deep sadness and an urge to hold me in his arms, and that prompted him to send the email.  When he got that feeling, I had already gone to bed.  But he sensed my mood before I went to bed.

I've felt that sensitivity towards other lovers who have been very close to me.  But it's very rare that a man would get that sense about me.

I'm still pragmatic, but, with Impy, I'm learning to expect the unexpected.

Rewinding

I was browsing back through old emails and chat logs, searching for clues where we got off-track, when we started arguing, when I started being unhappy.

Then I found the last email with our private roleplay.  He had sent the last response to that roleplay on May 6, but I didn't continue with the RP because the book had just been released so I had to focus on that.  And, besides, the RP was making me nervous.  It was coming up to a certain climax.

Then I had an idea.

This morning, before I went to bed, I replied to that email and continued the RP.  When I woke up this afternoon, he still hadn't replied.  He's probably still angry.

I think he'll argue against continuing the RP.  For one, we already gave up the D/s relationship and, in that RP, we are dom and sub.  Continuing that RP means we would go back to that kind of relationship.  And we left it because it wasn't comfortable for me.  And he refuses to do anything that makes me uncomfortable.

But, in a sense, rewinding back to that time and to that relationship would give us breathing room until we figure out a more permanent solution.  And there are benefits to it.

1. Doing an RP is better than not communicating at all.  At least we stay in touch.

2. Roleplaying opens up a way to express emotions indirectly and in a less threatening environment.  Our RP characters become another mask.  And, often, masks make it easier for us to express our inner selves.

3. A sub doesn't argue.  A sub can recommend, but the final decision belongs to the dom.  There won't be any power struggles.  At least, not during the RP.

4. When we switched from a D/s relationship to a normal relationship, he said that he felt as though he lost something.  He claims that without the D/s relationship, he becomes just another of my lovers.  By rewinding, I give him back what he thinks he lost.

Sure, I can try to change him instead.  But I've learned that you really can't change anybody, except yourself.

Sure, I can just walk away.  I can handle my own heartaches; I've had so many of them.  But if my leaving gives him pain, I cannot go.  His happiness is important to me.

So, I guess, on more than one level, I am surrendering to him ... again.

Who knows if it's good or bad?

In the book, I retold the Buddhist koan about the farmer and his horse.  No matter what happened to the farmer, he always said, "Who knows if it's good or bad?"

Impy and I had talked about how my other lovers would react if they learned that I was about to be partnered.  He said that if I continued to see them for the same amount of time as I usually did, they didn't have reason to be jealous.  But I knew it was more than that.  Because *I* would change.

[2012/06/26 18:37:12] 

Impy#2: better with Wolfgang?

Alt#24: Yes, we had a very long conversation last night.
Alt#24: I'll tell you about it tomorrow.
Alt#24: I think my relationship with him is changing.
Alt#24: Maybe affected by you.

Impy#2: ok, i'm very very glad to hear it, (to hear you are ok with him)
Impy#2: yes? by me????

Alt#24: Long story.
Alt#24: And you have to sleep!
Alt#24: tomorrow

Impy#2: :D  damm!!!!

Alt#24: LOL
Alt#24: Okay, quick answer....
Alt#24: You raised the bar.

Impy#2: :)

Alt#24: Because of you, I expect more from lovers now.

Last night, I asked Wolfgang for a timeout.  We've been arguing again.  Two days in a row.  And that's only because we didn't meet on Wednesday; otherwise, it would have been more days in a row.  He says I take what he says the wrong way and that's why we have all these arguments.  He admits he also needs to choose to interpret my words the right way.

[2012/07/13 06:20:38]

Alt#27: Something else is wrong, I think.... That's just a symptom.

Wolfgang#3: aha
Wolfgang#3: tell me

Alt#27: I would if I knew what it was.

Wolfgang#3: ok
Wolfgang#3: so what do we do?

Alt#27: How do you feel about being apart for two weeks?

Wolfgang#3: as you wish

We've kinda started using those phrases - "as you wish" to mean we don't like it but we are agreeing anyway, "if you say so" to mean we don't think the same way but we are avoiding an argument.  I started using them and he followed suit.  And those phrases have been appearing more and more in our conversations.  From both sides.

I asked him how he felt about the timeout.  He said he'd better not say.  He felt that his opinion didn't matter in this case, because "you have some need. i can't argue with a need."

But in the end, he admitted that he is angry.  It may seem like a strange reaction, but he once said that anger is all he knows.  He tucks away all other emotions into "boxes" and stores them away.  I said, all those emotions he was tucking away into boxes were actually seeping out as anger.  So they're not as "secure" in boxes as he claims they are.

I asked if it would be better if we shortened the time to one week.  He said that if I needed three weeks, it would be three weeks.

I had been thinking of doing this a long time ago.  But I was worried that, if we did take time away from each other, we would not get back together again.  He said, "I don't know," which usually meant he doesn't want to speculate about the subject.  But it also meant that he thinks there's a chance we would still get back together.

I had to ask him to hide his status from me so my heart doesn't skip a beat every time I see him log in.  He said I would have to defriend him, because he refuses to hide.  And that almost started another argument.



I know I hurt him by asking for those two weeks.  I am very aware that he tries hard to make "us" work.  And it is hard work.  He and I are not as easily compatible as Impy and I are.  But I love him dearly regardless.  And I'm realizing that he probably loves me too, even if he refuses to say it.

I don't know if I can stay away for two weeks. But we have to figure out why the arguments start.  It's probably my fault.  I find insults where there are none.  I find disagreements where it's just a difference in how we express things.  But if these things happen, that means there's something going on in my subconscious.  And I need time away to examine whatever that is.

I'm almost sure it has something to do with the bar that Impy raised.  But, really, there shouldn't be a bar at all....

"i m not your other lovers"

[2012/07/12 04:57:33]

Alt#27: You know, you're still my Dom.

Wolfgang#3: i didn't delete myself from your collar or i couldn't undress you

Alt#27: It's more than that.
Alt#27: It's just what we are.
Alt#27: I think there will always be a bit of D/s in this.
Alt#27: Because of who you are.

Wolfgang#3: aha
Wolfgang#3: because i'm dom inside?

Alt#27: /me nods.
Alt#27: You like to have control.

Wolfgang#3: hum i don't think it is that much simple

Alt#27: Maybe not.

 I still wear the collar although it is invisible now.  It was mostly so he could undress me and tp me, which I like.  He refuses to lock it himself and I kept inadvertently detaching it when I wear something that goes on the same attachment point.  So, I finally locked it myself.

But, last night, I decided to shop for new hair and to try blonde this time.  Alt#27 was originally a redhead.  A couple of weeks ago, I bought a dark hair just to test it with the new skin.  Last night, I switched to blonde.  I have Opal and another alt as redheads.  I have several brunettes.  But I only have one blonde, so Alt#27 becomes my second blonde.

Anyway, I was trying some demos when he logged in.  And I asked his opinion on the styles.  He didn't like short hair because it made me look too young.  He didn't like the bangs because it made my face too round.  I wanted to find mesh hair that looks good on me.  The good thing about rigged mesh hair is that the strands stay in front of your breasts even as you turn your head. The bad thing about rigged mesh hair is that you have to adjust your shape if your skull shows through the top, if you happen to have a longer head or a longer neck than the designer's model.

And he preferred the flexy hair anyway because he said the hairs would "dance during i fuck you strong".  (Hair designers, are you listening?  We still want dancing flexy add-ons for those mesh hairs please.)

Then somewhere during that conversation, he remarked that it looks like I've already decided, as though I really didn't want his opinion.  But I did want his opinion.  However, in the end, it was still my decision, while taking his wishes into consideration.  But because he noticed that I had decided, it felt as though he expected it to be his decision alone, simply because I asked for his opinion.

[2012/07/12 05:04:51]

Wolfgang#3: you don't feel free?
Wolfgang#3: that i don"'t let you space enough?

Alt#27: It's not a yes/no question.
Alt#27: It's a range.
Alt#27: I feel freer now than when we were officially D/s.
Alt#27: But, sometimes, I still feel that you're still asserting your domination.

Wolfgang#3: asserting?
Wolfgang#3: like how?

Alt#27: pushing
Alt#27: It's just a feeling.
Alt#27: Like when I decide on hair and you notice that I already decided.

Wolfgang#3: yes, it is just a notice

Alt#27: The fact that you noticed it means that it's not the usual way.

Wolfgang#3: ah yes

Alt#27: It's a change from the usual way.

A few days ago, I asked him to ask someone to send me a message somehow if he is incapacited or worse that he couldn't send me a message himself.  I have asked the same from many lovers, including Impy.

Wolfgang, however, flatly refused.  He promised that he would never simply disappear on me.  Even as I explained that many of my lovers did, he insisted that he is not like my other lovers.  He added that, if he passed on, his RL family would know and his RL friends would know, but none of his SL friends would.  It was the most hurtful thing he had ever said to me.  It felt like I didn't matter, because I'm just an SL friend.

I respect the fact that it's his life and it's his decision.  But it was very painful.

He probably sensed my pain because I was quiet for a while and then I changed the topic after, because he continued to try to explain his reasons.  I just nodded and withdrew my request.  There was no point arguing about it.


These days I sense a deep sadness from him.  Maybe these arguments are affecting him too, even if he doesn't let on.  The fact that he continues to log in when we're supposed to meet is very telling.  And he logs in with the alt that he created for me.  Once, he said that it was proof that he wanted to see me specifically, not just to be in SL to meet any friend.

I am INTJ.  They say INTJs move on if the relationship doesn't seem viable.  I had thought of moving on, many times.  But moving on never felt right.

There's a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.  Maybe I just need to learn his language.

Lo imposible es maravilloso

[2012/06/28 18:02:19]  Impy: i dont know how express it on english...but
[2012/06/28 18:02:53]  Impy: Estoy muy emocionado, y has conseguido que el corazón se me encoja en un puño y se me rayen los ojos....
[2012/06/28 18:03:03]  Impy: te quiero

He said those words after he watched the machinima I created for today.  The machinima I had been working on since we decided to do this ritual.  The machinima with our pictures together since the day he first met Alt#24, taken by him and by me.  The machinima with the first words we exchanged with each other almost six months ago.  The machinima where I sang a love song just for him.  A love song that I had to record at least twenty times in a span of two weeks, because my voice kept cracking as my own emotions overwhelmed me.

We had just said our vows.



Side by side

When I created the "Heart Gravel" exhibit for the SL9B celebration, there were two sets of hearts with 50 hearts each where people could leave a love note.  I added a dedication, listing most of my lovers, on the root prim of the set of falling hearts.  The other set was a pile of hearts already on the palms of the open hands below.

I also added two extra hearts that were not linked to those sets.  The one I wrote for Impy started with "Mi amor:  Muchas veces, derrites mi corazon. ..." After he saw that, he added his own message in the pile of hearts and, by chance, it ended up on the heart right next to mine.

Going public

We spent a couple of hours exploring part of SL9B.  Well, actually, it was less than that because I was crashing most of the time.

But over the weekend, I saw an announcement for a Spanish class, so I listened to the stream while I waited for him to arrive.  When he arrived, we decided to go to the site on SL9B and we stood a little bit away from the class while we listened.

At the end of the class, the teacher said hello to us and started chatting with us.  Mostly in Spanish.  Impy admitted to the teacher that he is a native speaker and he was just there to accompany me and that I was learning Spanish.  Afterwards, the teacher friended us both.

A while ago, he mentioned a wish that we would go out as a couple and have friends as a couple and all that.  I resisted because these alts were supposed to be private, so we would have quiet time together.  To have friends meant that people would intrude on our quiet time.  And besides, being active publicly would increase the risk that we would meet someone who had met my other alts and, therefore, because of my "rule," I would have to admit that they know me.

But after the conversation with the teacher, I understood what he meant.  There's that special feeling that comes with being seen and being known as a couple.



Making plans

I rarely wore white.  I kinda avoided it.  It was too "bridal" for me.  But when he and I starting being a couple, I found myself wearing white dresses.  Well, they were common among summer freebies.  And somehow, it felt right to wear them.

I also noticed that, with Alt#24, I tended to wear these elegant knee-length dresses.  When he first met Alt#24, he asked how I would describe her and I chose the word "regal" and he agreed.  Switching her from medieval to modern was a bit difficult without duplicating the styles of my other alts.  Then somehow, she ended up with elegant knee-length dresses.

Once, I brought it up in conversation, wondering if he wanted me to dress her a bit more seductively, because she was beginning to look more wife-y.

[2012/05/31 17:01:07] 


Alt#24: I have a question for you, actually.

Impy#2: shoot!

Alt#24: Somehow, [Alt#24] feels more ... cultured.
Alt#24: Less slutty than most of my alts.
Alt#24: Even Opal.

Impy#2: :) that's good

Alt#24: ok
Alt#24: Because I worry that you want more sexyness like [Alt#6].
Alt#24: But with [Alt#24], I feel more like a wife than a mistress.

Impy#2: you got the point perfectly... and i LOVE that feeling

The man says all the right things!

[2012/05/31 17:09:28]

Impy#2: .... i love that point of 'no slutty' from [Alt#24]

Alt#24: /me smiles.... ok

Impy#2: but!!!  remember the proverb!

Alt#24: A lady in public and a whore in bed?

Impy#2: lol
Impy#2: that's it!

For our ritual, he was visualizing a beach setting.  He had seen a white summer dress, but I thought it wasn't well-made so I said I'd just make one myself.

Around that time, I took him to the Hollywood sim and it occurred to me that we could do our ritual on a boat.  And there were reasons why:


Most sims in SL disappear after a while and, when there are strong emotions associated with a place, the disappearance of the place is very disturbing.  If we did our ritual on a boat, it didn't depend where we were.  We could have our boat in any water in SL.  And we both could have a copy of the boat so that, when I missed him, I could just rez one.



But as we talked about other things that we needed, it felt like we were making compromises.  He had found a speedboat that he liked.  That meant I would have to wear something like a white bikini to go with the theme.  He said he just wanted me to wear "something vaporous" and he would wear something casual in white.  Then I realized that we couldn't even kiss because, if both of us stood up, the boat would go back to his inventory.


Then a couple of days ago, he took me to an island to see a castle.  When I saw it, I knew I had seen it once before, but I don't know when or which alts.  However, he was almost certain he had not shown it to me before, and he said, "this is one of my...'secret' places."

[2012/06/26 18:14:59]

Alt#24: I think you have taken me here before, my love.

Impy#2: really?  if it's so, it's because you were special from the very beginning..:D  i never took anybody here

(Did I mention the man always says the right things?)

The castle

Anyway, he seemed to really want to do our ritual there.  I explained why I preferred the boat; I explained the transience of places in SL; I explained how my sentimentality for significant places cause great pain when those places are gone.  And he understood because he reads my blog religiously.  And he read my book.

So, as he often does, he let me have my way.  (You see why I love the man dearly?)  And we decided that we would explore that sim and the surrounding sims for our "honeymoon" instead.



Well, after a short attempt, I decided that two days was not enough to create a special outfit from scratch.  Then I remembered a time when he showed me a blog with a picture of a woman wearing silks.  He didn't know what silks signified or who wore them.  All he knew was that they looked very beautiful.

So I did a search in the Marketplace for "silks" and found an outfit that I once wanted to get for another alt.  And it was perfect for another reason.  Impy and I once talked about a roleplay alt whose name was based on a Greek myth; that's when I learned he had an interest in ancient Greek mythology as well.  And he had loved the toga I wore for my 5th rez day anniversary pictures.

This one had the beautiful folds like the toga.  It looks very medieval and beautifully so.  It was a silk but it had additional attachments to cover the legs more so it looks more lady-like while remaining sexy.  It was beautifully sculpted.  And absolutely romantic.

Of course, I didn't show it to him but I mentioned that it wouldn't match the speedboat theme.  So I had to search for something he could wear that would match my outfit.  And we found the perfect medieval suit in all white.  So we gave up the speedboat idea (we'd still use it for our honeymoon explorations) and decided to do the ritual in the castle anyway.  :D

Somehow, with him, things just fall into place.  Damn the crazy odds.

The dress from Caverna Obscura.  Taken while waiting for him to log back in, so I was able to play with windlight and shadows.  Now in Flickr.

The groom pacing at the entrance of the castle.  :D  By the time I tp'd over (and crashed, of course), I had already turned down my settings because I was also filming machinima.

The kiss, taken after the vows and after the song and and after the exchange of rings that we made ourselves for each other and while he was busy with the SL partnership proposal.

He's right....  The impossible *is* wonderful.

*sighs happily*

Hell hath no fury

Why is it that the older you get, the faster time flows? Seriously, this month just went whoooosh!

Well, granted I had a lot going on, both personally and with the book.  There's the machinima class I was teaching for MODA, the work I was doing for the Splo, then SL9B both for the book and for MODA and lots of little tasks in between.

Relationship-wise, a lot of things are also happening.  There are many times when I thought, "Oh, I should blog that."  But I was too tired or under a deadline that I didn't have time to write.  So, this post and the next one will be "catch up" posts.

The next post will be all about Impy but I won't write it until later because I don't want to spoil some surprises that I planned for him, because tomorrow is The Day.  :)  We'll be officially partnered tomorrow.

So, in this post, I'll only talk about developments with Wolfgang.


Released

Wolfgang once asked what I liked about wearing a collar.  I told him that I liked that he could just teleport me.  And I particularly enjoyed when he undressed me himself.  It's like in real life; being undressed by a man feels much more sensual and erotic than undressing myself.

And when he teleports me without asking for my permission first, it feels like he's claiming me as his.  Like I belong to him, like a wife belongs to her husband.  It's like saying, I belong by his side, no "if"'s, "and"'s or "but"'s.

This past month, we've been arguing a lot, discussing a lot of things, particularly the BDSM part of our relationship.  We argued about the spanking.  To him, it's part of the sensuality of BDSM.  But the context of it bothers me.

It's not the concept of spanking that bothers me.  With mfpwtff, we each had spankers that simply spouted that "X spanked Y" with the accompanying sound effects.  The "spanking" was playful.  He would do it out of the blue and I would reciprocate.  It's like a pillow fight.  It seems aggressive but it really isn't.  And of course, we were equals in the relationship, so I could spank back.

But with Wolfgang, the spanking was roleplayed as a "punishment" and, as a punishment, it gives me no pleasure.  It isn't fun anymore.  He explained that sometimes one of his other subs would make up a "transgression" so that she would "deserve" a spanking and that was how she would initiate a sensual encounter.  But that's not the same for me.  I explained to him that a punishment is a "distancing" between us.  Instead of us pulling together, a punishment pulls us apart.  Therefore, even a kiss, if it is given as a punishment, would taste bitter to me.

For days, we continued to argue about aspects of BDSM.  I told him to just do what he wants.  After all, he was my master.  But he refused to do anything that doesn't give me pleasure.  He had been telling me that since the start, since the incident with the kneeling and the leash.  And I think that incident made him skittish, so that he's more careful about what he does with me and, since then, he always asked me how I felt about something.

On one hand, that's exactly why I trust him as a dom.  On the other hand, I get more nervous about what he's about to do, because if he has to ask me for permission to do something, it must be really bad, right?  So *I* get more skittish too.

Even when I tell him that I don't really know how I would feel until I've had the experience, he refuses to do it.  He kept saying he'd rather avoid making me feel bad.


Then he asked, "Would you prefer to put off collar, leash, anything related to our first relationship and just be usual, simple lover?"

I said, "I don't know."  Then I explained why.

I reiterated that I don't make a good sub because I am too independent.  But I do it for him.

That's when he asked what I liked about the BDSM relationship, without considering what he likes.  So I told him what I like and I told him what I do for his sake.  "I do them for you because of how I feel about you."

"But you don't like," he half asked.

I gave him a long answer, "On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 means I absolutely hate it and 10 means I absolutely love it, ... without considering what you want ... just on its own ... I'd say it's a 3. Maybe 3.5 ."

He said, "ok" and I kept explaining that I had suppressed that feeling since the leash and kneeling incident, because that alt wasn't connected to my RL anyway, so I could dissociate.  In the past, we had talked about dissociating when we do things I'm not comfortable with, and he argued against that too.  He'd rather not do it, if it meant I would dissociate, because it would make him feel lonely.

I had to go afk, and he said he would also get a cup of coffee.  When I came back, he had unlocked the collar and set it to invisible.  He left it on, only so that he could still tp me and undress me because I enjoy those.

That was June 11 in the early morning.

I was stunned and deeply touched.  In response, I cleaned my profile to remove anything about BDSM in it, including my character's background story.  I wouldn't have another master again.  If I wanted a master again, I'd rather it was him.  And if he refuses to be my master, then no one else will be, not even temporarily.

Besides, I committed that alt to him.  And with that statement, we started another argument.  He said that he doesn't like the idea that, when our relationship is over, I'd put that alt to sleep.  I asked why it would matter to him what I did with that alt, if he doesn't care about me anymore.  It would just hurt me if I log in as her because it would remind me of him.  He said that the idea makes him "smell" death on her already.  *sigh*

Then we argued about the terms of endearment that I call him.  He didn't want me to call him those words again because they would remind him of what he "lost".  *sigh*


He wasn't sure how our relationship would go after that.  And it seemed that we had been arguing even more since.  They're not emotional arguments, but more like negotiations.  Each of us explaining what we prefer and why.  But they're tiring anyway.

Many times, during those arguments, I doubted whether it was still worth staying.  We argued about every little thing.  We couldn't be more incompatible.  And it felt as though I was the one who was always giving in.  And it was too much work.  And for what?

I always said I wouldn't chase after a man who doesn't want me.  And it felt as though he only wanted me because I wore his leash and collar.  And now that those are gone, what else could he want from me?



Then two things happened.


Bullied

We had been looking for new sims to hang out in where he never took his other alts in.  We were trying to avoid his new alt being associated with his other two alts and causing jealousies from his other lovers and subs again.

We were quietly chatting on a swing in one of those sims when a couple approached us.  They had been hanging around for a short while before the man came and stood a few feet from us.  His companion looked like a little girl.

The sim was a PG sim and the swing only had cuddles.  Yet the man came and told us to go elsewhere and rent a room.  I replied and told him to leave us alone.  They themselves looked like they were doing age-play and we didn't bother them, so why were they bothering us.  He insisted that his companion was normal-sized and that I was a "monster" for being tall.  Of course, he was my size, and he didn't explain why he looked like an older man who was with a girl avatar that was barely half his size wearing bright pink lipstick and pigtails and a title which included the word "princess".

Then he moved his avatar over us so that his crotch was right at mine.  So I stood up and started filing an abuse report while Wolfgang had words with him.  The "old man" continued to be verbally insulting and abusive towards me.  Wolfgang continued to insult him back.  I finished the abuse report and even forwarded the chat log to the owner of the sim.  At that point, the intruders took over the swing.

So, all that was just so they could take over the swing, just like schoolyard bullies.

We teleported out after I got the reports done.  And as Wolfgang hugged me goodnight, he wanted to go back and make them uncomfortable by hanging around.  But he was going to leave his avie there while he was afk and I was uncomfortable with that.  They could get him into a compromising scenario and file a report against *him*.

What surprised me was that he kept insisting that I let him do it his way.  To be honest, he didn't need my permission.  He could have just sent me off to bed and gone back after I logged off.  But it felt as though he couldn't do it until I gave up and said, "Fine, do it your way."


Hell hath no fury

Alt#27 first received a cryptic IM that said, "don't believe all she says."  The account was only a few days old.  I figured it was mistakenly sent to me.

The next day, a notecard came from another new account.  In the notecard, she wrote many things about Wolfgang and his alts and his BDSM activities.  Of course, I knew about those.  But she painted a very unflattering picture of him.

I told Wolfgang about the notecard and he thought he knew who it might be.  An old friend who thought there was more between them than there really was.  As we talked about it, I said I wouldn't do anything about it unless she contacted me again.  He asked me what I would.  I said I would just talk to her.  I was thinking of calming her down, but he took it as a sign that I trusted her more than I trusted him, and he became upset.

I had to explain to him that it wasn't an issue of not trusting him.  It was an issue of worrying he would exacerbate the situation if he confronts her, especially since it was he whom she was upset about and it was I whom she was reaching out to.  And especially since he doesn't always choose to do the wisest thing, like going back to the sim where the bullies were.

He said it's a matter of protecting his own privacy.  And we argued about that too.  She pulled me into the issue, so it became my problem.

But, in the end, I had to agree to not respond to her if she contacts me again.

To be honest, the notecard *did* make me doubt him.  I know his faults.  I've witnessed them and he had admitted to them.  And I accepted them as part of who he is anyway.  And because I knew a lot about him, I was able to discern what parts of the notecard were fact and what parts were her opinions.  But the notecard still raised some doubts.

At that point, I brought up the idea that I was thinking of leaving.  And that started another argument.  He was hurt by the way I said it.  Because it was as though it was only my decision and that it wouldn't affect him.  Suddenly, I had a sense that he would really be hurt if I left.

He was upset because I just decided to talk to the woman instead of conferring with him first.  From my perspective, it was my problem because she came to me.  I don't need to ask anybody's permission to talk to anybody I wanted to.  From his perspective, talking to her was a decision that he and I had to agree on.

And then we talked about "us."  The "us" that I didn't think existed because we had an unequal relationship as dom and sub, because he always felt distant, because it felt as though I was the only one who was there because of emotions.  Suddenly, there was "us."  The man who didn't want my name in his profile was talking about "us."

He is psychologically very complex.  And very stubborn.  He told me about his childhood and his teenage years and I understand him a bit more.  It's still very exhausting.

If I knew that it didn't make a difference to him whether I stayed or not, I would leave.  But the conversation had changed things.  He still refuses to say he loves me, because he says that the word "love" means different things to different people and that he communicates with his behavior instead.

At the same time, I don't want to end up like his old "friend" who misinterpreted his friendship for romantic love.

But I'm staying for now.  I saw his own pain.  I saw the reasons for his walls.  Maybe that's also why he can't let me go.  Maybe I'm one of the very few who see through the walls.

Sometimes, all we really need is a witness.

It's the natural way

"thinking that i have to fix my profile... so probably soon you will receive a partnership proposal :D"

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Actually, my first reaction was "omg."

He just laughed and asked rhetorically, "why? [Isn't] that what we are? partners?"

Well, he's right... we are. I already took his last name in my display name. We already set up a place of our own. Our alts are exclusive to each other. The longer we are together, the deeper the emotions go.

But he thinks that it's just a matter of announcing to the world that we're partners.

That's true, but a formal partnership means much more for me. I explained that I considered partnership as something equivalent to being engaged irl, but that I made an exception with alts, particularly alts that were dedicated to a lover. So that original "meaning" now only applies to Opal.

At the same time, I've been partnered only once, and it was only symbolic because we put those alts to sleep immediately after. So, in practice, I never experienced being partnered, except for that one night last February when mfpwtff and I woke up those alts for a dance to celebrate our third anniversary.

If Impy and I would partner our alts, it would be his first ever partnership and my first partnership that is "living", as opposed to sleeping.

Impy#2: lol, ok, understand perfect now. so i will not offer you partnership till we make an small ritual, like go into the black sea naked and exchange flowers between us.... something like that, symbolic
Alt#24: lmao
Impy#2: XDDD
Alt#24: So we'll have to find a black sea in SL....?
Impy#2: lol, or something similar... but crazy, different and funny! an act to join [Impy#2] and [Alt#24]

We won't do it yet, because Venus is retrograde, and I'm superstitious that way. And we can't invite our friends, unfortunately, because these are our private alts, so the ritual will only be with the two of us.

And, of course, I would have doubts....

Alt#24: You didn't say it because you think it's what I wanted, did you?
Impy#2: nooo, i just said it because i think it's the natural way between [Impy#2] and [Alt#24].

There we go.... It's the natural way. :D