Black is back

There's a Zen koan that goes something like this:

An older monk and a young monk were on their way to a temple where they would spend the night. Along the way, they came upon a river that was swollen from heavy rains. On the river's edge stood a woman who was trying to figure out how to cross.

Now, monks are not allowed to touch a woman at all and the young monk thought that they would simply pass the woman. Instead, when the older monk realized the woman's dilemma, he said, "Come on, woman," and picked her up on his shoulders. The young monk was shocked at the older monk's actions but he chose not to say anything.

When they reached the other bank, the older monk set the woman down. She thanked them profusely and they all went their separate ways. When the monks were in sight of the temple at sundown, the young monk suddenly blurted out, "You... You touched that woman back there!"

It was the older monk's turn to be surprised. He replied, "I set her down a long time ago. Why are you still carrying her?"

I have two young monks who continue to carry my sex alt.

The first one would IM every month or two for more than a year now, even after I had thought we already said our goodbyes. I was getting him ready to meet Opal when he chose not to move forward. His reason: "Rivers always run." That was after I told him the Zen koan. Months later, he returned and said, "I had forgotten how good you are." Because I had succeeded in tempting him again. :)

The second one also said his goodbyes and came back several weeks later. He has now made it a point to check on me every Saturday.

Black, whom I had talked about in the past, goes in the opposite direction. Whereas most of my other lovers met my sex alt first, Black met my RL alt first. In spite of all the heavy sexual flirting, I haven't had sex with him -- yet. He was gone from SL for a long time, and he came back yesterday. In a different alt. He left because he "didn't want to be tempted by the SL distraction". I think he came back precisely because of the SL distraction.

I think he's my third young monk. But he decided to come back to the river so he could carry me across and, more importantly, so he could set me down on the other side. As friends with privileges, no exclusivity, and in roleplay to muffle the cricket.


(My young lover who wanted exclusivity also returned, still deeply in love with my voice. But he caught me at a busy time because of the faire so I'll have some catching up to do with him too. *sigh* I am blessed.)

Tout ou rien

He gave me an ultimatum today and I don't know what triggered it.

We were just shopping for shoes. I was going to buy it for him, but he refused. Then, somehow, the conversation got to the exclusivity topic again, right there at the shoe store. He said goodbye and stormed off. I went back to my workloft.

A short while later, he tp'd to my workloft and stood there for a few minutes, neither of us saying anything, then he left again. In the evening, he IM'd me again. He was still unwilling to compromise. All or nothing, not even friendship.

He is too young and too inexperienced to understand what a commitment entails. And for him, a commitment is total. Even dancing with other men would not be allowed if we were exclusive. And he doesn't like the fact that I have several other alts. Would he also restrict me using those alts, even if they were just for roleplay or other businesses?

It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that he refuses to compromise. It breaks my heart that he refuses to keep the friendship.

But it doesn't matter...

*I* will keep the friendship...

In case, he wants it back...

Someday.

A marriage proposal

Okay, I admit I've been guilty of serious pranks on April 1st; and I've masterminded a few that involved organizing. Well, being quite busy this month, the pranks I pulled yesterday were pretty much off-the-cuff.

The most significant one being the marriage proposals on Grant Linden's shout box in AvatarsUnited.com. After proposing to him there, I got a few other women to do the same. Well, it's not a prank if it's just *one* proposal.

Anyway, Grant responded later with the following shout in my page and in Juju's page: "I am afraid that it was explained to me on my first day at the Lab that getting married was not allowed for us hard working Lindens. Sadly, I must decline."

So, to counter that, I filed a jira. It was still April 1st after all. *grins mischievously*

To my surprise, someone reviewed the jira entry this morning and didn't close it. Instead, she changed it from a "bug" to a "new feature". I guess Lindens still have a sense of humor. *grins*

(Apologies to Mrs. Grant Linden. It really was just a joke.)

Young lover

I met him as my sex alt four months ago. It was just a sexual arrangement. He is so young, in his 20s. But, so sweet, I couldn't deny seeing him again. I told him I couldn't be exclusive because I was with the Captain then. He didn't mind, since he had another girlfriend anyway.

We had to find places where we could talk in public chat and still be alone, in order to use the translator. His English is very limited. And, well, I'm learning to cyber in French. *grins*

He was the young lover I left for another in January. I went back to him afterwards and he welcomed me back warmly, repeating over and over that he missed me.

Last week, he wanted to hear my voice and, since I had been seeing him for a while now, I agreed. He fell in love with my voice, with my breaths. I fell in love with his voice and his charming accent as he tried to read the English translations out loud. He has great tenderness for his age. And also great innocence and naivete.

The next day, I decided to introduce him to Opal. After recovering from his initial shock (he was intimidated by Opal's ancient-ness), he was fine. Then I tried to introduce him to my RP alt, and he almost panicked. He said "je veux une femme... pas deux ou trois". Well, the built-in Google translator in the Emerald viewer translated that as "I want a wife... not two or three". The word "wife" made me panic.

We talked again today and it was clear that he wanted exclusivity. I couldn't give it to him. I'm seeing other men but not seriously either. And, yes, I care about him deeply and I love him, but I need more than just sex in a relationship. Even though I focus on the sex, when all is said and done, I need much more than that. As mature and charming and generous as he is, he doesn't yet have the wisdom that comes with experience and insight. Therefore, he could not understand me. Heck, most men my age could not understand me. It can't be a serious relationship if it doesn't go beyond the superficial.

He said he would find another woman, and we agreed to continue to meet as we have before, but no exclusivity. Still, my heart breaks for him, more so now than when I first broke up with him. I wish I were the right woman for him and he the right man for me, but neither of us is. I know my needs and it would not have lasted.

True power

"Are you ready to submit?" he had been asking for the past week, each time he pinged me. My answer was always, "Never." Well, actually, I tried to vary my response, but the gist was the same. He even bought me a collar last Friday, and I said that I hope he could get his money back. And, since then, his question changed to "Ready for your collar?"

He wanted me to yield to his power. What power? For the same reason that bullying is a sign of fear and arrogance is a sign of insecurity, subjugating another is a sign of weakness. His power is illusory; he's at the mercy of his submissive. No submissive, no power. If he had true power, he wouldn't need anyone to submit to him.

In traditional marriages, a wife submits to her husband's will. But he is committed to care for her well-being. Why on earth would I submit to the will of a perfect stranger who doesn't love me and therefore couldn't care less about my well-being? That would be utterly stupid. Would a CEO give up control of the company to anybody who walks in from the street and says, "I want to take over your company"? No. So why does he expect me to submit to him?

I understand roleplaying. I've roleplayed being a dom and being a sub with other lovers as a sexual scenario. But he didn't mean roleplay.

His persistence reached its limit today and he finally gave up. I wished him well and he removed me from his friends list.

I'm not entirely against submitting. But I will submit only to one who has true power, great wisdom, and a deep love for me. Until then, I live my own life, thank you very much.

Stronger medicine

I met him at Frank's. He saw me standing alone upstairs on the balcony, the only one to notice me that night. I had checked out his profile before he pinged me. His About was intriguing, but something in his Picks was disappointing -- he is into BDSM. Firmly.

I respect people's lifestyle choices, but I have always known that BDSM and Gor are not for me. I don't make a good submissive nor a good mistress. Nor do I want to. I am much too independent.

He asked for a dance and I agreed anyway. It was just a dance after all. He himself figured out that I'm "independent and strong" and yet he wanted me to submit to him. After I said I was certain that it wasn't what I needed, he stood up. He said that he misread me and that I had steep walls. Then he said goodnight. He went off to dance with someone else, while I continued to check out other profiles. A few minutes later, he IM'd me again, inviting me to his home for a dance.

I saw him again the next day and the next. Setting boundaries, arguing about them, defining ourselves. I told him I will never be his sub, nor his dom. He agreed that he will not try to control me, although he tries anyway. At the same time, he fights off my attempts to control him. I have not said "no" to anyone in SL as many times as I have to him in those two days.

I told him I don't need just another sexual lover; I told him I needed an emotional lover. He said he wanted me and he wanted to be my lover, sexually, emotionally, and intellectually. He said it in voice, while he was pleasuring me.

I don't know where this would end up or how long it would last. We're both still fighting over the reins. He wants to take my power; I think he had given his up to me and he doesn't realize it. I push him away and he hangs on. He claims he's not hanging on, that it is my strength that attracts him. Regardless, his persistence impresses me.

When I was chatting with mfpwtff about my last lover, he joked that I need someone who's "strong willed too". I laughed. But he might be right.

But maybe not the last lover; his will is no match to mine. Maybe I need stronger medicine. Like this new one.

Condolences to the bride

It was difficult enough to stand there as his best man as he pledged his love to another woman. But he twisted the proverbial knife when he dedicated a song at the reception to his new bride, telling her in public chat that it was their love song. It was the same song he dedicated to me just a week ago because he said it was how he saw me.

It was just a song after all, but it had meaning to me. It was as though a gift I treasured was snatched away and given to another. There are millions of love songs in this world. Why did he have to give her that song? What he did was a pure act of sadism.

Most of my past lovers have remained friends. Good friends, in fact, both in SL and irl, because they truly care about my well-being. He won't be. Because he doesn't.


I have a tab in my Picks titled "Leave me be...". I added a new paragraph at the end of it.

... if you think SL is a game, because it isn't to me and my heart is not a plaything.

... if you don't want drama, because drama arises from strong emotions and, when I love, there *are* strong emotions.

... if all you see is the beauty of my avatar, because my avatar is merely a product of my creativity. Would you claim you loved me if you fell in love with a piece of furniture I created?

... if I have to fight for your affections, because love should be a willing coming-together of two souls, not a chasing-after. If I have to fight for you, you're not worth fighting for.

My condolences to the bride.