When he lied, I cried

I have this little script that I wrote when I was with mfpwtff. It wasn't meant to be used for spying. I wrote it before he met Opal, so that he would know if I was logged into my other alts, and so that I would know when he's logged in while I was in my other alts. That way, he can either wait a few minutes for me until I join him, or he can assume that I'm asleep and do something else.

The past couple of months, my sex alt has had a few regular lovers who were European, so the scheduling was a bit tricky. So, I used this script for that. The Captain was one of those lovers. Even though he is now in Opal's friends list, he still doesn't know the identities of all my alts, so I use that tracker still.

Then the other morning, I was surprised to see his name pop up in that tracker, but when I looked for his name in my friends list to say hi, it showed him as offline. Thinking he must have logged in and out quickly, I checked my chat history. Nothing. So, I figured he wanted some privacy, so I left him alone.

Just to clarify, he and I have no agreement to be exclusive to each other. We had agreed to that arrangement even before he met Opal, because he cannot guarantee how much time he can be inworld for me, and he understands the reason I have a sex alt in the first place.

But, two hours later, he sent me an IM. This time, SL said he was online. And then he said, "i logged just to give you a hug."

Uh-huh.

He couldn't stay long, but I confronted him about it anyway. I said that all I ask from him is honesty. I reminded him that he has no commitment to me; therefore, he has no reason to lie. He promised he would never lie to me again. Then he had to go.

After he left, I cried.

And I couldn't understand why the pain was disproportionate to the transgression. It was really just a white lie. He said he was shopping for some items. But even if he were with another woman, I really wouldn't have cared; I don't consider him "mine" outside of the roleplay. And then I realized what it was....

During my undergrad, we were required to read "Sula" by Toni Morisson. In the story, Sula sleeps with her best friend Nel's husband. Nel later realizes that it wasn't the loss of her husband that hurt her more; it was the loss of her friendship with Sula. It was that feeling of suddenly losing a deep connection with the slash of a betrayal.

I had trusted the Captain with my secrets. That small white lie made me wonder if I was wrong to trust him. So, instead of revealing more of me, I would be holding back. The deepening of a friendship averted.

Now, I understand why Jaime, two years ago, mourned when all I did was copy and paste a simple conversation we had and share it with someone else. He had given me advice that I thought would help someone else. But that sharing of his words, which I didn't ask permission for, caused him to lose trust in me and threatened the friendship. I didn't understand it then, but I sensed it. It was a matter of trust.


I wonder if I still have that book somewhere....

Giant gardenias for St. George's Day

He asked me what my favorite flower was. The first man to ever ask me that question in SL.

Then, today, I got a huge bouquet of giant gardenias, because he can't log in on Saint George's Day (April 23), which is apparently the equivalent of St. Valentine's Day in his country.

*sigh*



"He" is a new lover. Well, not so new really. I first met him in early March through my sex alt. Very kind, very gentlemanly. And a sexy avie even with newbie skin and system hair! (Well, we've updated him since then, of course.)

For more than a month, he didn't know anything about me, except that I'm a woman and that I am (in his words) "very very very erotic". Then one night (or early morning SLT), we did a brief roleplay just for kicks -- he was a ship's captain and I was a ... mermaid! (Did you expect anything else?)

As we talked, I realized it was probably better to switch him over to my RP alt. Besides, we've become friends and we didn't want to lose that friendship. So I told him that I would introduce him to my other alts where I am more open about myself and that it was up to him which alt he preferred to be with.

He met Opal first and I showed him the work I do. He was already making up his mind; I think he was still preferring my sex alt. Then I introduced him to my RP alt, and she changed his mind. :) To him, my RP alt's character represented "freedom, dangerous freedom but very attractive". And so, he and my RP alt have been in roleplay since. Not very often, since he's busier now, but we RP in email too.

Because he is married, I made him promise me that he wouldn't fall in love with me and he promised. (mfpwtff says, "goodlukwiddat". :D That was the best backhanded compliment I ever heard. :D)

Now, if only I could smell these gardenias....



That conversation with mfpwtff actually started out about something going on with Mer Betta; I badly needed a friend to talk to and he was the only one who was logged in that early and close enough to me to confide in. Earlier that morning, Kyota (Mermaid Temple) made me aware of another mermaid tail seller who has been stealing design elements from other mermaid designers and mixing them up. I can prove that the thief took a picture of one of my tails and simply modified it to make hers. She made enough changes so that it doesn't look like my tails, but she didn't make enough changes with designs she stole from other designers. At least one of those other designers had filed a report with LL already. I'm still talking to people to get advice about this before I decide what to do.

My Captain (that's what I'll call this new lover from now on in this blog) was trying to make me feel better with these flowers. *sigh*

To twit or not to twit

Last week, I received an invitation to start a Plurk account. I already got a Plurk invitation months ago from the another friend, the same one who introduced me to Twitter.

So I already have a Twitter for my real life. And I'm still trying to decide if I want to start a Twitter for Opal. You see, microblogging is like writing a status report for your boss in your real life work. The more time you spend reporting, the less time you actually *do* work.

Opal has a Facebook account but not much activity there either, because, well, it seems odd. Facebook is a social network, Second Life is a social network, and Opal is a persona inside Second Life. So, Opal's Facebook becomes the social network for a character in another social network. Social networking on top of social networking.

I once received a friendship request from someone who's not even in Second Life. He was intrigued by the avatar picture. But I refused to accept the friendship offer unless he came into SL and met me avatar-to-avatar. LOL. Unfortunately, his machine cannot handle SL, which is too bad because he sounded like a very interesting man. But the problem is that social interaction on the web now seems pale in comparison to social interaction in SL. Even if I accepted his friendship, I rarely go into Facebook, so I wouldn't be interacting with him much anyway.

Besides, I *hate* Facebook's design. There's too much junk! What's with all these quizzes that don't mean anything and gifts that you can't use? The interface is so cluttered and the navigation is so convoluted that you can't find the link to what you actually need.

Anyway, back to Twitter and Plurk.... I have, in fact, already explored Plurk. Alt #9 has (unused) accounts in both. And Plurk's "karma" reminds me of chain emails.... "If you don't invite ten of your friends to join in the next ten minutes, you will die...." I'm exaggerating, of course, but you know what I mean.

However, there *is* value in Twittering. It saves me time by broadcasting to friends and family that I'm still alive and well. And it saves *them* time from sifting through my blog, especially since you can receive twits to your cellphone. I won't be sending twits from my cellphone for Opal's account though, because you can only associate one Twitter account with each cellphone number. But I could use it for short bursts of wisdom (or smart ass-ness). On the other hand, I can do those short bursts here in this blog too.

Hmmmmm.... Let me think some more about it.

mfpwtff

We have been saying goodbye since early February. Coming and going. Wanting and rejecting. Fighting and making up. And with each goodbye, we get closer. Ironic that.

Tonight, we had another one of those quasi-goodbyes. Just as tender as the last one, but we decided not to prolong it; otherwise, we'd end up crying all night again and I might end up naked with a white veil again.

But this time, it feels better, the air is clearer. And I think it's partly because of the reason this time -- he'll be working on his marriage. His wife had committed to it and so he is committing to it. And I can't help but admire him for that.

So I step back. The friendship remains; we're not giving that up. But it will just be in the back burner, so I don't distract his efforts.

Surprisingly, I am truly happy. Because this means real-life happiness for him, not just a fantasy. And his happiness makes me happy. And, to top it off, the cricket is happy, because he's feeding the cricket now. So, no matter what happens after this, the cricket will forever be quiet with regards to him.

Up Where We Belong - Joe Cocker

tgyi, mfpwtff.


I never really gave him a nickname in this blog. I *do* have a nickname for him that came out of a conversation a long time ago, and I've tacked it on, somewhat mysteriously, at the bottom of a previous post. But it's long and it's a secret, so it's in code -- "mfpwtff". Don't ask me what the other four letters are; that's a secret code too. :D

Update two hours later: If I am so happy, why is this pain here?

Beauty is in the eye of ...

HiHo did a MODA Spotlight show this past Monday featuring RFyre. After the show, Mak commanded him (in the public voice channel) to meet her in the backroom later. LOL

Anyway, the models got gift cards from RFyre, with instructions to send transaction records to Harper Beresford. Well, HiHo handed his gift card over to Opal, since, well, he doesn't need any clothes. And Opal went shopping last night then sent the transaction records and the gift card back to Harper.

This morning, Harper sent HiHo the refund and an offline IM with a rhetorical question: "... and how come women make better male avatars?!?!?" LOL

Well, I have a theory. Or two. Or three.

Theory #1

When Alt #9 was taking the then-newly-born BF #2 around to look for hair, I commented, "You notice that when you see men shopping, there's usually a woman with them?" His response was "that's to keep the men from running out and blowing clothes money on a rod and reel ... or a shot gun ... or a pair of yosemite sam mud flaps for the truck ...." So, you can ask a guy where you can buy the best HUD for anything (especially sex HUDs) or the best TV screen and he'll give you a long list of vendors with pros and cons. But if you ask him where you can buy the best skin or shoes, he'll give you the one or two places where he got his, if you're lucky.

That's also why most male avatars look alike. They all went to the same store. (I'm kidding! I'm kidding! I know there are so few good male skins out there. LOL)

Theory #2

There's this book about self-identity (but unfortunately, I can't remember the title and it's hidden somewhere in this pile of boxes in my living room) and it says that women generally think they're fatter than they really are and men think they're in better shape than they really are. So, men generally don't have issues about how they look. And they come into SL thinking they're pretty good-looking and so try to make their avatars look like their real selves. And, ummm, let's just say that it doesn't translate well to the medium.

Either that or they get some satisfaction in the fact that a drop-dead gorgeous woman (virtual though she may be) would be so willing to hop into the sack with someone who looks like him.

Meanwhile, women who make male avatars are trying to recreate their dream boat, so, yeah, he'll look better than your average guy.

Theory #3

I think men tend to drink a few beers before they tackle the unpleasant task of modifying their avatar. Capos Calderwood (aka Alex Whitmore irl) has a song that goes, "Beauty... it's in the eye of the beerholder... Tonight we'll drink until we look okay..." So they just keep drinking until their avatar looks okay.

*grins*


Now, keep in mind that this doesn't apply to ALL men; I'm just generalizing. Besides, tbh, I've actually seen quite a few really good ones out there, created by men without any help from a woman. Unfortunately, as Kit and I were lamenting just last night, most of them are gay.

*sighs*

On the other hand, some men know enough to ask a woman for help and so end up looking like a young Robert Redford.

*swoons*

On cruise control

Yesterday, I made a decision. Yesterday, I decided to move on.

I could have just moved on without a word, as I'm sure he has. But I don't want another "I wish I knew" night that complicates life. I don't want another misunderstanding. So I sent him an email yesterday. He hasn't replied to my emails for a while now, and I'm not expecting a response to that one either. But it served its purpose; it was an act of release, of letting go.

I could have listened to what Anna had been advising for years. I could have preserved my boundaries and kept him with my sex alt. But then I would have missed out on an incredible emotional experience. And, most importantly, I would have missed out on a potential great friendship.

But life is a one-lane road. Sometimes, other roads run alongside for a while, and then they veer off to other directions. But there's that deep serenity when you're driving solo. You can hear your own thoughts. You can enjoy the scenery. The world is at peace.

/me sets the cruise control, turns on the music, and breathes.

I happened

This past relationship was stranger than previous ones because there were too many synchronicities around us. But there was also another reason -- something about him reminded me often of my RL ex-husband. Superficially, they are very different. But their *souls* feel the same.

And I think that's why this breakup is so complicated. There's a lot of emotional connections weaving in and out of the whole mess. At least on my side. It's not just about *this* specific relationship; it's also about a past marriage.

Today, I felt emotions that I thought I had already dealt with almost a decade ago during my divorce. The emotions were still as strong, but they came and went in a span of a few hours, instead of months. It just took me by surprise that this SL breakup would trigger an RL memory so strongly.

When I was going through my divorce and for months afterwards, I withdrew from friends and family. It's how I deal with grief, how I deal with pain. Somehow, I've opened up to a lot of friends this time around and most have given me advice. But most importantly, they've given me a shoulder to cry on, a hug for soothing, a dance for distraction. I will always be very grateful for those.

And I am also grateful for the funny responses to my blog entry. Be said, "Opal ... that entry can be an entire movie :)". Meanwhile, Anna simply sent me a picture of a train wreck. She always claimed that, because of my SL relationships, I'm a train wreck waiting to happen.

Well, I guess I happened.