Midnight came

And went. I didn't expect it to be this soon.

For some strange reason, it wasn't as painful as I expected. Maybe because this is the second time around. Maybe I'm getting numb to this pain. Or maybe I'm still in shock.

What's even stranger is that it felt liberating, as though a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Or maybe off my conscience. Or maybe because it's one less binding tie. It's as though I fell with no safety net under me, expecting to fall splat on the ground, and suddenly realized...

I have wings.

Midnight looms

I'm living my fantasy. I am in a beautiful gown in a majestic palace, dancing in the arms of my prince.

But I know I'm on borrowed time. I know that the fantasy will eventually end. Like midnight is to Cinderella's ball, his lover's return marks the end of my fantasy. Her return will morph my coach back to a pumpkin, my horses to mice, and my gown to rags.

A few days ago, he said he's afraid he'd lose me when I realize that I compromise too much to be with him. That was when I was shaken out of my trance, like the first gong of the clock striking midnight.

I had already compromised my integrity to be with him. It's already done. I know how much this affair is costing me, and I'm still here.

However, if his partner returns, I would have to leave, because I don't think I can deal with that pain again. A pain so great I would physically double up as though someone had hit me in the stomach. A pain that made me moan in anguish because there were no more tears left to cry myself to sleep.

But, for now, I have a few more seconds of bliss in his arms. I don't know how long fate would stretch those seconds for me and keep his partner away, keep the pain away. For now, I close my eyes again and feel his arms around me, his breath on my cheek, the softness of my gown, and the weightlessness of my feet...

In my glass slippers.

Safety nets

Howard and I had a brief conversation last month. Yeah, yeah, it takes me a while to process things now. If you noticed, I don't write much when I'm doing a lot of living. And that's precisely what I've been doing -- LIVING!

Anyway, this specific conversation started when Howard explained his view of SL romances. He said that his RL relationship "liberates me to go as far as I possible can imagine in SL." Because of that safety net, he is not afraid of relationship pains and rejections. Then he asked me what I viewed as my safety net since I don't have an RL relationship to fall back on when the going gets rough in SL.

Well, I used to have a safety net. Several of them, in fact. It's that porous membrane between SL and RL. It's my anonymity. It's the cricket.

Now, I have none.

However, precisely because of the absence of a safety net, I am learning to truly live. I am learning to let go of my expectations and enjoy every interaction. I am learning to be conscious of every emotion that passes through me and to allow those emotions to enrich my art, my writing, my singing, my life. I am learning to be fully aware *in* the moment.

Having experienced both sides of the line guarded by the cricket, I no longer live that part of my life based on rules I had accepted without question. I now consciously and knowledgeably make relationship decisions each day. And if I should make the wrong decision, then I willingly suffer the consequences, karmic or otherwise.

What could be more liberating than that?

This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for freedom of choice. Happy Thanksgiving.

A piece of chocolate

If you've ever gone through a weight-loss diet (I'm pretty sure that's true for every woman reading this blog), you know that insane craving that you suddenly have for your favorite indulgence, just because it's forbidden.

And you try to be good and substitute something healthier and you end up jeopardizing your diet because the substitute doesn't really satisfy the craving so you eat more.

Eventually, weight loss advisers understood this craving and actually advised dieters to go ahead and take a little piece of that chocolate.

Well, ten days ago after months of denying myself of that pleasure, I took a little piece of that chocolate. And I was happy for a while. Then I started craving for it again and, unable to have it, I again took the healthy substitute instead. And -- you guessed it! -- the craving is still there.

I need to get me another piece of that chocolate before I go insane.

And you know I'm not talking about food, right?

Pondering Halloween in SL

Okay, I'm confused. If I put on a mermaid tail, is that my avie or is that my Halloween costume?

In a world where people can be anything they want, what do you wear to a costume party?

Bibi Book wears a witch's hat all year long. If she takes off her hat, would the absence of her hat be her Halloween costume? Would October 31st then be a "Nah-loween" day for her?

And, with your name tag floating above your head, what's the point of a masquerade ball? I mean, 90% of the men wear the same couple of skins, so that's pretty much like wearing a mask.

Who knew that choosing a Halloween costume in virtual reality would be so much harder than choosing one in real life? How do you put together a costume that won't be mistaken as an avie?

/me wonders if she needs a hover text that says, "This is my Halloween costume."

Pygmalion and Frankenstein

Being fiercely independent, I am irked to no end when someone does something for my "own good" without my permission, as though I don't know what's good for me. I see those people as taking my free will away from me.

I'm pretty sure I've been manipulative and controlling myself. We hate in other people what we hate in ourselves. In fact, I remember feeling frustrated because January lover would not modify his avie for me. We tend to be even more manipulative and controlling with people who are close to us, especially our lovers.

The weird thing is that, irl, we are limited to changing our lover's behavior. In SL, we move closer to Pygmalion's mythology in that we have the opportunity to change how they look as well.

The problem is, oftentimes, we are unable or unwilling to handle the monster we've created. Or we forget that there are consequences to changes we make. So the monster is released to the town, with monster and townspeople totally unprepared to deal with the other, causing chaos, fear, and loneliness.

I could say that it would be better if we directed our efforts towards changing ourselves instead of changing others. But saying so would just be another attempt by me to change you, dear reader, wouldn't it?

;)

In the line of fire

I tentatively stick my head back into SL and, suddenly, I find myself embroiled in other people's drama. Well, here's the story. (The names have been changed to protect the... ummm,... ummm,....)

You see, W and P have this quasi-romantic friendship, which is apparently not exclusive.

W met S at Opal's rez day party and they hit it off. Opal warned W that she's playing with fire, but W continued to flirt with S. And the fact that S showed up at odd moments created tension between W and P. So now there's some kind of competition between S and P.

Through all this, W was inexplicably trying to do matchmaking between S and Opal. Opal reiterated that she's in love with M, who's with someone else. And Opal is being a hermit to get over that. Opal once said that she thought S is cute but she decided a long time ago not to flirt with him, because he's one of M's close friends and Opal is not going to hurt M that way. And now that W likes S, Opal has one more reason not to mess with S.

When S asked W to help with an animation for a swing, W suggested that S talk to Opal who is more normal-sized. Since then, S has been talking about Opal in his conversations with W, essentially trying to make her jealous. W understandably got upset with S for pitting us against each other, which I agree is a stupid thing to do.

Now, W is dumping S onto Opal's lap because W claims that S likes Opal more than her. And Opal had no idea what the hell was going on or why she got pulled into this drama in the first place. And W is upset with Opal because she thinks that Opal is taking S's side, when, in fact, Opal is just trying to figure out what's going on without bias.

With a little bit of reflection, Opal came to this assessment of the situation: W likes S and S likes W, but P is still W's primary. To get W's attention, S pitted W and Opal against each other. Now, that is backfiring, and Opal is caught in the line of fire.

Did you get all that? Yeah, it took me a while to figure it out too.

/me crawls back into her foxhole.