Dancing with a memory

Yes, I'm sentimental.

Yes, I'm weird.

Yes, it's eerie.

In SL, you can remember someone with more than just still images or chat logs or machinima. In SL, you can remember with a dance.

Yes, his avie is just an empty shell now. Yes, there's no conversation that makes the dance special. But mfpwtff and I made our anniversary dance somewhat of a tradition. Even if he's no longer here, what's wrong with continuing a tradition to remember what we had and to honor his memory?

Yes, I'm sentimental.
Yes, I'm weird.
Yes, I miss him.

At this date of valentine

[2017/02/14 06:22]  

Wolfgang#7: I had a litte thought

Alt#35: yes?

Wolfgang#7: I know it is precipited and maybe little sily, and i m not very much in symbols

Wolfgang#7: and i don't know if you ll wish

Wolfgang#7: but in case you d wish, and thought it was nice to do, although the complication when we don't use the couple

Wolfgang#7: we could partner them at this date of valentine

Alt#35: :D

Alt#35: I wish! And I accept!

We were talking about his two alts whom I rejected, because they've been with his other lovers. I deemed them "unpure". Then we talked about my other alts.

He wanted to wake up Alt#27 but he didn't want to wake up his alt that was paired with her. That particular alt of his is male, and he didn't want to do MF. Instead, he wanted to created a new (female) alt to be with #27. I declined. #27 belongs with that specific alt, and I couldn't see her waking up while her lover remains hibernating. So, instead, I introduced him to #35.

He had mixed feelings.

A screenshot of my horoscope for today.
 © AstrologyZone Susan Miller

Almost three years ago, I was deeply hurt because he showed favoritism to one of his other lovers. Just as I personified Death, I personified my pain, my jealousy, my anger. Alt#35 was born. She roamed for a while, then I finally decided to stop hurting myself with my own anger. So I put her to sleep, with no one knowing about her at all.

When he met her, Wolfgang said that, in a sense, she was our daughter, taking a hint from something I wrote in her profile. Plus, I explained that her name came from a poem that he wrote for me. He was very glad to meet her; however, the reason for her existence bothered him.

I was surprised when he created his own alt to be with and to be like Alt#35. They would be another pair that are exclusive only to us, to our "inner circle". Pure.

Today was the first day those alts "met" and spent time together. About fifteen minutes before I had to leave to get ready for work, he had a little thought. So, we quickly wrestled with the partnering process.

By the time I hopped in the shower, they had each other's names in their profiles. My fourth SL partnership; two with him.

I also agreed to go back and partner Alt#27 with her lover, a partnership that I declined angrily in the past. But we would do that next month on the fifth anniversary of our very first meeting in 2012, so it would be a significant day for us. Then, I would have a total of five partnerships, three with him.

Melting walls

Wolfgang:

this is the contradiction inside these [abysmal] creatures
She reject like, and desire to be liked
the doomed creatures
cursed

Me:

Those are the creatures who really need love most.
But they build walls around them, so they cannot feel the love that's just outside the door.
So they keep looking for it and craving for it.

Wolfgang:

yes something like that
and when they feel it around, they get panicked
or strangled by

Me:

Because it means the walls melted and they feel vulnerable.

We were talking about one of his personas, but my responses were also about me.


That was part of the hour-and-a-half conversation that we had on Saturday (yesterday). During our twelve-and-a-half meeting today, the walls melted away.

Yesterday, I challenged him to let me do something that I knew he would never agree to. It was just a joke. After a lot of back-and-forth about levels of gifts, he agreed. I thought it was still a joke.

Today, we shopped for what we needed. I still thought he would back out. Or we'd call it just another RP and have fun. He later admitted that he also delayed it by taking me shopping at another store. He was nervous about it. But it was almost time for his bedtime. And he promised it today.

Just a few moments before I started, I realized how significant this was. And almost instinctively, I tried to distract him, like the best doctors and dentists do when they know they are about to do something very uncomfortable for the patient. I asked him detailed questions about what he had for his RL dinner.

It was over in less than a minute. Then, I held his avie tightly. I was very overwhelmed. My tears fell irl, and I told him so.

There are a few very significant moments in our relationship. The first time was during our RP when I felt as though we became wedded, because I surrendered to him. In that moment, it felt as though our relationship fast-forwarded to a deep intimacy. Today's experience felt just like that. Except it felt like it was he who surrendered to me. The effect was the same and just as strong as the first time.

And I realized many things. I understood many of the things he told me in the past, and now I believe him because I experienced it myself. It is very illogical, but I cannot deny what I felt.

My anger dissipated. My pain was soothed. He gave me a very big gift. And I felt it. And he felt my response. For real. Today, he paid his emotional debt.

Many men have lost sleep just to spend a few more hours with me. But not Wolfgang. Until now. He went to sleep three hours late. because, as he said, "it s hard to leave when you are sweet like that."

I've never returned to a past lover. Until now.

Awimbawe, awimbawe, ... ten years later.

I logged in today to try out the new Bento mesh heads. I picked up the demos from Catwa and from Lelutka then went to my skyloft in Aglia to try them out.

I had already taken off all attachments (because I wanted to also see the body that came with the Lelutka demo), when I saw a familiar name in my radar.

Elliott Eldrich: entered the region (673.71 m).

Not long before that, I noticed an acquaintance log in. I met him in 2007 and I don't remember having talked to him since. But I didn't get a chance to say hi before he logged back out.

So, when I saw Elliott in my radar, I wondered if the planets were just exactly aligned that I'm encountering all these oldbies from my distant past.

Anyway, I IMd Elliott and reminded him how we met. I didn't think he'd remember me. Or maybe he just pretended that he did. ;)

Elliott is (at least, he was then) one of the well-known personalities in SL. I hardly know Elliott personally, but he's significant in my SL. He's one of the first few people that I met in SL. And I even talked about our first encounter in my book! Here's the excerpt (which I also sent to him in a notecard afterwards):

I continued exploring the world on my own when Soren wasn’t logged in. In one store, I discovered “freebies” (items given away for free), via a sign with a picture of a bee and the name “Free-Dee-Bee.” The sign gave me a folder with clothing, shoes, animations, and other things. I decided to try them out right there.

I was watching my avatar do a funky dance when a chat bubble appeared, asking if I found everything I needed. My avatar would have blushed if she could. I was embarrassed to be caught dancing by myself in the middle of a store –- and without music even! It took me a few seconds to stop the dance animation and turn around to look at the polite speaker.

What I saw seemed to be an anthropomorphous large cat standing on his hind legs like a human. He was well-dressed in a gentleman’s suit, complete with a pocket watch. I thought I had walked into a fairy tale. 

I learned that he owned the store, so I thanked him for the freebies. He said it was his partner’s idea to have the freebie “vendor” there. Then there was a lull in the conversation. I mean, what do you say to a cat? “So, did you trade in your boots?” Or, “How’s Grizabella doing these days?” Or, “Awimbawe, awimbawe, …” He must have noticed that I was unsure what to say next, so he excused himself to leave me to my new acquisitions. Then, he elegantly walked out of the door on the other side of the store, just like a real gentleman from the 1800s.

Tesoro, Lea. Love, Like Dim Sum (Kindle Locations 456-471). VirtuaSapient / Eleanor R Tesoro (Lea Tesoro). Kindle Edition. 

That cat was Elliott. I didn't use his name in the book because I couldn't reach him before I published the book.

Elliott in 2007 (Photo by Elliott Eldrich)

Elliott in 2016 (Photo by Elliott Eldrich)

Thankfully, I saved my outfit before taking things off, so I just took a few seconds to find the folder in my inventory and put the outfit back on. He TP'd me to the nearby train station, which I remembered he built. He said he was just checking on his build; that was why he was in the sim.

We had a lovely satisfying conversation, the kind that you can have only with someone who has been in SL as long as he has.

So, we had an impromptu reunion. After more than 10 years! I love coincidences like that. :D

At least, this time, I wasn't doing a funky dance in public without music. ;D

And, for a full hour, the cat didn't get my tongue. ;P

Awimbawe, awimbawe, ...

The gloomy and fog

the gloomy and fog about some things is so special that it has no sense to try to put precision and names on, when you wish to see things in their whole reality

That was his explanation about why he never said he loved me. We were in our first cuddle after two years. We communicated on email in the past few months. Almost daily. Usually more than once a day.

It was kinda my fault. I sent an email warning him that I'd be traveling to BeNeLux for a two-week holiday, so he could be sure to avoid those countries in case he was traveling too.

But he opened the door wider. Whenever I stopped responding, he'd email again. Whenever I replied angrily, he'd email again. In a lighter tone. As though he didn't know I was angry.

I carried my anger and my pain for much of those few months. I was cynical and sarcastic. Until one day when he was late sending me a reply. And I realized my day didn't feel right without an email from him when I woke up. It became a habit.

When I had a big argument with my mother and decided to move away, he understood. When my father passed away in late November, he understood. When I had a falling out with my sister, he understood. In the absence of a working computer, he was my only confidante and my only solace, because I could at least read email on my tablet (and later, my new phone).

In times of grief and sorrow and anger, I tend to pull away from everyone. But he emailed everyday. Like a fool who was unaware that I wanted to be alone. On the other hand, because he sent short emails, it didn't feel like an intrusion. And he knew just what to say. There was comfort, and even a sense of poetry, in his broken English.

When we finally met for a cuddle, I thought we could continue what we had in our emails. But he wanted more of the FF sexual relationship. I said no.

Our emails were based on reality. No RP. No personas. However, in SL, we were sliding back into the old RPs. And I couldn't stand that anymore. Why make the same sacrifices again? And for a man who couldn't say he loves me?

The pain returns. Almost as strongly as before.


Even though he agreed that we had discussed this topic more than enough in the past, he explains again anyway.

I never believe when someone tell me "i love you"

because for me the meanings of these words is mine

and i know it can't be true in my meaning

some people use that daily, even to their friends

some say to their different lovers

some to their dogs

feelings have their own meanings :) considered by every person

Maybe he's giving me more than what I ask for. Maybe I'm insisting on a specific wrapping when the offered gift is better than what usually comes with the wrapping I want. Maybe I'm asking him to stick a mundane label on something that is divinely indefinable.... So special.... The gloomy and fog.... The mystery.

Or maybe I'm just imagining what I wish to see.

And maybe the fool is in the mirror.

. . .

Happy holidays... whatever holiday you celebrate this season.

10

In most cases, a decade seems so long. In this case, the past decade feels like a dream and I have just awoken.

And like "0" birthdays, this rezday anniversary is a milestone. But it feels anticlimactic.

No wise insights this time. I've already said everything I wanted to say.

No compelling projects that make me jump out of bed. Something else always has higher priority than SL projects that had once excited me.

No significant lover to entice me to log in. Many lovers don't log in anymore. And I keep blue-screening too much lately anyway.

I'm making a point of meeting SL friends when I travel or when they come to my area. But, besides that, I feel like, "Been there, done that. What's on Netflix?"

Out in the real world, people are getting excited about 3D, 360, virtual reality, augmented reality. But that's old news to us. The curse of the early adopter is boredom.

What else is there?

Can we find the deeper purpose for all this? Instead of aiming for the next technological thing for the sake of the technology, can we find a meaningful application that really matters?

Maybe it's also my real age. I'm at a phase in my life where my attention is supposed to be directed outward, to changing the world and making it better, to leaving a legacy, to making a much bigger impact.

Whatever that is, I have no idea. Yet.

I'm waiting for inspiration.

For the next decade of my SL.

Chaac for real

I quoted Chaac Amarula a lot in my book. He's very quotable. And conversations with him are never dull. Ever.

There was a time years ago when he would log in and chat with us before he started his day, and it amazed me how he could be so witty so early in the morning. Well, I'm a night owl; I can't imagine anyone being witty at all anytime before noon.

During one of our rare-these-days conversations months ago, he mentioned a convention he wanted to attend in San Francisco. He had the dates, but he wasn't sure if he could make it. But I added it to my calendar anyway. Then I forgot all about it.

Two days ago, I saw it on my calendar and pinged him. It turned out he was already coming and he was wondering where to sightsee on Sunday afternoon.

So I picked him up from the airport, took him to sushi for lunch (while waiting for the roads to open up after the SF marathon), drove him over the Golden Gate Bridge northwards and back, then we had a quick walk on Fisherman's Wharf and Pier 39. I think the seals on the Pier 39 harbor were the highlight of the day for him. :D



Maybe because I've known him almost since I started in SL, or maybe because we've had so many thought-provoking philosophical conversations in SL, that it felt like I've known him forever. Except this time, I witnessed his sense of humor with his facial expressions and his gestures. And it's even funnier like that than with just text. :D

I've been lucky that these SL-to-RL meetings have been wonderful so far. There's a different quality in the RL meetings with people that I've known the longest. I don't know if it's because of the length of time I've known them, or if it's because of the type of people that were attracted to SL during the early years. I suspect it's a combination of both, but maybe more of the latter.

Sadly, these real life meetings are less likely to happen again. It's the circumstances and the costs. But then, that's what SL is really about, isn't it? To bridge the physical distance and to create the circumstances to meet without the prohibitive costs. The more SL people I meet in real life, the more grateful I am for SL.

The next time I'm going to have SL-to-RL meetings again is in late September to early October, when I go to the Netherlands. They're old friends too. Stay tuned! :D