A dance outside time

We had our anniversary dance tonight -- me and mfpwtff.

All we did was dance and talk and talk and talk. We chat in our main alts too, occasionally, but there's something different when you take your exclusive alts and devote a certain time just to each other.

There's a different kind of honesty between us now. A different kind of trust. A different kind of raw. And it's surprisingly gentle and smooth, like a ripple on a quiet lake. And it is soothing to the soul.

We talked about relationships, about alts, about projects. We caught up with what's going on in our lives. Then we talked about more abstract things, like death and bucket lists.

It was a quiet talk, a gentle rhythm, but continuous. It was a dance outside time.

Towards the end, he talked about how my book was the catalyst that made him put a great effort on being a better man. He described the moment when he read a passage. There were other coincidences that day.

I thought it was ironic, because much of my book was about my lovers. Their relationships with me gave me the insights that became the book. And, yet, he was telling me that he got something significant from the book. It's like the blessing, the gift, whatever it was, boomeranged back to him.

Then I reminded him of something I said when we were still together. I told him that, based on my experience in SL, men over 50 tend to treat women differently, with greater respect and understanding and care and tenderness. I think he laughed then, so many years ago. He didn't see how a few years could make a big difference. So, I told him to ping me after he turns 50.

When I reminded him tonight, he remembered. And he agreed. He treats women differently now. And he's a sweeter friend because of it.

We're kinda in the same place these days. He has seductresses tempting him; I have suitors wooing me. But we're both not ready to "settle" down. It's not because we want to have more "fun". He's actually looking for an honest-to-goodness RL relationship, and it sounds like he doesn't want to compromise. And, these days, I'm learning to give myself the love that I've been giving away too generously.

After our 3rd anniversary, we thought we'd do this dance annually, but for some reason or another, we missed the 4th and the 5th.

Well, in spite of our record, we're planning to dance again next year. And I'm looking forward to that. :)

Deserving

Something has been sticking in my mind the past few days. It was a conversation I had with W not too long before we finally split up.

I said that I usually leave when I think I don't deserve the other person.

He laughed and he said he usually leaves when he thinks the other person doesn't deserve him.

Nothing surprising about that. He always admitted that he is egotistical.

I didn't say any more about the subject.

Soon after, after a long heart-wrenching decision, I left him, even though he didn't want me to.

I left him because I don't deserve him.... I left him because I deserve better.

Two drifters ... off to see the world

I don't remember exactly when I purchased my first plot in Dunbeath, but the picture below was taken on June 2009, so it was probably around that time. That pelican chasing after a (mermaid) tail has been there until today.

I cleaned the parcel today and I will abandon it back to Linden Lab before end of day tomorrow.

I had been thinking of moving a long time ago for several reasons, but none of them were compelling enough.

• Most people purchase in the Marketplace now. Unlike furniture and buildings, there's really no value in looking at another flat picture of a mermaid tail on a prim versus looking at the same flat picture on the web.
• I don't sell enough to pay for my monthly tier anymore.
• The sim just north of me turned from a beautiful Japanese landscape visited by beautiful geishas in kimonos into humongous skyboxes stacked one on top of each other. So, no matter what elevation I put a platform at, one of these ugly skyboxes is always in my view.

But what attracted me specifically to this area is the river and the neighboring parcels.

• I love the energy of a wide river running between two steep hillsides. There's something romantic about that configuration.
• My neighbor to the east (behind the trees in the picture below) is a recreation of Frank Lloyd Wright's "Fallingwater" house. The parcel was "claimed" in December 2007, but I don't know when the home was recreated. I just realized now that most of the prims show Alex Bader (Skye Studio) as the creator. Must have been one of his early projects.
• Across the water is a fishing town where I took the second photograph of my 365-project.

On a personal note, I have many sweet memories associated with this parcel.

• The first time Impy met Opal inworld was under a tree near the top of the hillside.
• My alt and Wolfgang's alt partnered here under a gazebo that I modified from the lighthouse. I wanted to replace the gazebo and the lighthouse for a while now, but Wolfgang showed some sentimentality about the gazebo at one point, and that's unusual for him, so I kept it. But that's not a strong enough reason to keep it anymore.

I'm doing a lot of things impulsively these past couple of months. It's as though my mind has finally taken command after my heart broke. "We're cutting our losses," it says. "Sentimentality be damned."

I'm keeping the good memories. But I'm cutting myself free. I'm preparing myself for the next phase in my virtual life, whatever that phase may be.

/me sings, "Two drifters... off to see the world...."



PS: I moved my store to a rented parcel in a homestead. It saves me a few dollars a month, although I have much less prim allowance. But I like the space and the flexibility.

Why you don't love me - an open letter

This is probably the first of a series of postmortem / detoxification / whatever-you-want-to-call-it entries. Or it may be the only one.


Dear W,

I know why you don't love me.

You don't love me because, since the beginning, you've tried to mold me into something I'm not.

I loved my freedom, but you tied a leash to my neck.
I brought you light, but you desired my darkness.
You wanted me to wear the accoutrements of a woman of the night.
The short skirts, the low necklines, the high heels.
The stockings that you loved.
You called me a hippie like it's an insult.
You cursed my intuition.
You mocked my imagination.
You enjoyed the pleasures that my love brought to you, but you rejected its intensity, even if the intensity itself created the pleasures.

Maybe if you opened your eyes and saw me for who I am, instead of trying to mold me, maybe you could have loved me as I love you.

Or maybe not.

Once every two years

I understand how nervous some people feel about alts. I remember a time when alts were viewed as a bad thing, because people used them for not-so-nice reasons.

So I decided to establish a personal "rule" that if someone who met me in one alt approached me in another alt, I would admit that I've met them before. But they would have to say hi (or something) to me first. I would not approach them.

The first two instances were fairly insignificant. I don't remember the first one, but the second one met one of my anonymous alts first then another anonymous alt. No damage done.

The third instance was with Impy. He met one anonymous alt, then he added Opal in a social media site (not SL). I considered that as an approach to another alt anyway. Needless to say, that was a significant coincidence.

Today, someone saw one of my anonymous alts and complimented me. I said thank you, of course. But, as I was reading his profile, I realized that I had met him in real life at SLCC 2011! And I even took his picture! Anyway, I had to tell him. My rule. :)  But he first promised to keep my secrets. :)

Exporting people and places into RL

I went to Spain for two weeks and met two lovers, a Flickr friend, and an MBA classmate and his wife. I wouldn't go into detail about the trip itself, because I have a separate travel blog for that. But I will talk about the trip's relevance to SL.

First, the two lovers. They were my lovers in SL years ago. Then they became busy. One explicitly set boundaries that we are only friends in RL, but the evening I spent with him in real life was absolutely magical and he treated me like a close friend. The other had claimed me in both SL and RL, but we spent maybe only a couple of hours together; he was busy with work and family and I was busy with sightseeing. But those two hours are memorable even.

Maybe I've been lucky. That trip brings the number of SL lovers that I met in RL up to 4. Each of those lovers are just as I imagined them. Their personalities were the same in RL as in SL, although two of them held back romantic gestures because of their marital circumstances.

Or maybe it's because these lovers are among the most important to me throughout my life in SL; therefore, meeting them in real life only deepened the connection we have.

After saying goodbye to each of them after meeting them, I cried. Because these are men I love and I may never see them again.

Second, the Flickr friend. She was really more like an acquaintance. In fact, I had originally avoided her, because I had felt a jealousy for her because of another lover. But she started following me in Flickr and commenting on my images there. Then she found me in another social media and connected with me, revealing her RL identity.

When we met up in Barcelona, we spent the afternoon at a children's park, going on the rides and shooting photos and talking and talking and talking until it was very late. It was amazingly easy to talk to her. In the end, I admitted my old jealousy and the reason for it. It was something I would not wish to hide when building a friendship. But I regretted it a little when she started feeling sad and nostalgic as our conversation flowed into past loves and betrayals.

Third, the sights. Not all the sights but specifically La Rambla, the Columbus monument, and the Plaza Reial, which were replicated in the Barcelona del Oeste sim before it was renovated. And also the Mezquita mosque in the Al Andalus Generalife sim before it disappeared.

I knew that the plaza in the old Barcelona del Oeste was based on a real-life plaza. It was a special place for me because of all the memories I have in that plaza -- conversations and dances with lovers and friends. I wanted to find it in the RL Barcelona, but I didn't realize that there were a gazillion plazas all over Barcelona. And then, when the Captain led me to an alley to head back to my hotel, we passed through the Plaza Reial, and I realized that it was THE plaza. I was amazed and awed.

I walked the La Rambla a few times since my first day in Barcelona and I even took pictures of the Columbus monument, but it was a few days later when I realized that it was also part of the Barcelona del Oeste sim.

When I found out that the Mezquita is in Cordoba, which is near Seville, I made sure to go and visit it as well. When I first saw the replica in SL, it already made my heart beat faster. It was that awe-inspiring. When I first saw the real thing, my jaw literally dropped.

Of course, I learned that the replicas were not accurate. They were simplified versions of the real thing. Probably because of the prim allowances. The SL version of La Rambla was shorter, the monument was not exact, the plaza is a lot smaller, and the Mezquita replica was probably based on the way the real Mezquita was before the expansions and before the cathedral was built inside it.

So there. I've "exported" people and places from SL to my RL, and it was a wonderful experience. I've met SL people in RL before, but this is the first time I've encountered SL places in RL. The people and the places now have a deeper meaning to me and I have a stronger connection with them.

I'll not look at SL the same way again.

Standing infinity

I celebrated my 8th rez day anniversary by dancing naked. :D

And did you realize that the number 8 is like the infinity symbol standing on one end?

Maybe there's something of infinity in this rez day anniversary. I'm past the 7-year itch, if there's such a thing about being a virtual world resident.

I spend less time as Opal now, and less time inworld in general. But my heart is still in there. My loves are still there. It's still the place I yearn for when I get homesick. Sure, most of the places are different now, but there's still a certain ambience about virtual reality.

And because August always seems to start a new life for me, maybe the coming year would be something different. After my experience in Utherverse, I've had a paradigm shift, similar to the paradigm shift about the global community that I've had when I first joined SL. This time, the shift I experienced is about the universality of virtual worlds.

During my conversation with Knightman in Utherverse, I was surprised at how strongly he was attached to UV, just as I am very attached to Second Life. UV is home to him, just as SL is to me. I realized that, in the end, the place we call our virtual "home" has nothing to do with the technology or the avatar or what the place looks like. It has to do with the relationships that bind us to it.

In the end, these different virtual world grids are just villages, colonies, and tribes of humans, separated by differences in technology, just as villages, colonies, and tribes are separated in the real world by distances.

In the end, we are all humans behind the avatars -- a soul touching another soul.