Shaping the bonsai

Photo by Ragesoss

It all started a week and a half ago.

I asked Wolfgang if he missed his sub, who rarely comes in anymore, because her husband discovered her affair. W refused to answer. As I expected. But my question also made him angry. Again, as I expected. And he can be harsh with his words when he's angry. So, I, too, became angry, so I didn't email him during my lunch or before going to bed, as I usually did.

The next day, he informed me that he agreed to meet an old SL friend who was celebrating her birthday and wanted to see him alone, during our usual scheduled time. He didn't ask me beforehand. He simply assumed I didn't want to log in, just because I didn't send email.

I emailed back that it was fine, and I went back to bed. When I woke up, there was an angry email accusing me of not wanting to see him, because I didn't send emails to confirm we would meet during our usual time and because I decided to just go to bed when he said he was meeting his friend. That accusation hit a nerve and I saw red.

I lose sleep to be with him. He is up there on my priority list, and I am even lower than his sub and his other SL friends on his priority list. How dare he accuse me that I didn't want to see him?


Since we met, I kept reminding him that I am neither submissive nor lesbian, and I had always talked about getting more balanced in our unbalanced relationship, which became more and more unbalanced. In the past year, our meetings had been mostly D/s or F-F or both. I'm afraid to ask for his male alt because I sense that he prefers to do something else. The last time I asked for his male alt a few weeks ago, he ignored it entirely and logged in a female alt anyway. But I did the D/s F-F for him because we became closer through those alts until a year ago, when he cut the time he spent with me. I continued the D/s F-F just to keep his interest. It was my sacrifice, but he thought I enjoyed those RPs. I suppose I was very good at RPing a submissive lesbian.

But, with the new job and not getting enough sleep, my cup became empty. It was not just empty; it was bone-dry. I cannot give if I have nothing to give. And my question was... "Is it worth losing sleep for a submissive lesbian RP?" If he saw me as just an RP buddy, why am I make this big a sacrifice?


We touched a lot of points in the past week and a half. Old issues. New issues. New questions. New ways of seeing things. We agreed on very few things. We disagreed on many things.

Yesterday, we defined what RP is. To him, everything, except the OOC chats, is RP. To me, the usual emotes between lovers is not RP, except when his character is female, which becomes "light RP," because he's not really female and I'm not really a lesbian.

In the end, we decided to continue meeting with his male alt (the only male among the four he uses with me) and the only one of mine who has never been collared (among the four I dedicated to him). And we'll see how it goes. From his perspective, our only option is to give up and go our separate ways. I'm fine with giving up too. After all, I was the first one to mention it, early in the argument. But I thought of other options too, including balancing our relationship more and doing the D/s F-F once in a while, but he refused.

He claims that I didn't enjoy his company entirely, just because that type of RP wasn't something I'd choose on my own. But I got to his more tender inner self through his female alts. I compared his more tender inner self to a hallucinogenic drug that I wanted, and his female alts were the needle that caused a little pain so I could get that drug. By taking away the "needle," he was denying me the "drug." He didn't like that metaphor.

Instead, he compared it to cutting branches. He said "the eternal question" is whether to cut the branches or cut the tree. The intent is not to kill the tree, so the "worker" cuts the branches first, although cutting the branches could still kill the tree.

I understood his metaphor. It was a good one too.

Then I thought of the bonsais that I was looking at online a few weeks ago. I used to own a couple of juniper bonsais but I had to give them up when I moved from California to Washington State many years ago. I remember the delicious smell when I pruned them. And I remember reading something about how a challenging environment (too windy, too rocky, fires, wounds on the trunk) makes a tree more beautiful. That's what bonsai masters try to recreate. And that's why they chip and burn the trunk and branches to simulate dead wood, and they prune unnecessary branches, and they wire and twist the remaining branches into shape, and they wait for new branches to sprout. And they nurture the tree everyday.

He doesn't like the bonsai metaphor either, but he said that, if it makes me happy, it's fine with him. :)

So we're trimming most of our branches this time. Hopefully, we don't trim too much that we kill the tree. And if we learn how to do it right, maybe someday we'll have a beautiful bonsai of a relationship.

A seven-minute gift

Wolfgang was thinking of gifts for my alts. Belated Christmas presents. He took a long time to decide. But I had a better idea. Instead of the dress and the shoes that he had planned to get, I said I preferred to see him in Skype.

Although he had sent me several selfies, I had never seen him in Skype, although he had seen me a few times. It's just one of those imbalances in our relationship.

But he hates Skype. More than he hates phones.

"so why to torture me with?" he asked.

"I just want to see you," I replied, "with expressions on your face... to see how you smile..."

"i m not spontaneous," he explained. He receives the message, analyzes it, and responds with the expected reaction.

"And I thought I was funny.  :\ " I pouted.

He LOL'd and explained further, "a good joke make smile inside ... but it is inside." For him, the facial expressions are a way of communicating externally and are, therefore, "fake."

He reiterated that he isn't spontaneous, but he added that he was told he had an expressive face.

We continued talking about fake smiles. I had already accepted the fact that I wouldn't get what I wanted, but he said, "No smile. Just a short time of cam. ... It will be just 2 mins."

He gave me seven. :D

In those seven minutes, he didn't speak to me by voice, so we were typing in IM. Then his phone rang and I listened to him talk fast in French. It sounded like he was hurrying to hang up, but the caller asked another question so the call became twice as long, although probably still under a minute. He sounded impatient, which was understandable, because he really hates talking on the phone for longer than necessary. But I loved listening to him talk. And I told him so. That's when he realized that he forgot to mute himself on Skype. We continued to chat by IM anyway.

In those seven minutes, I was mesmerized. I had to consciously type something and reply to him or else I'd just sit there quietly, drinking him in.

In those seven minutes, he tried to seem cold and distant. But I saw very brief glimpses of emotion. Like the half-second of instantaneous joy when he saw something on the screen in the beginning, when my video came on, although I later realized my image was very dark because I had no lights on in my room. Like his eyes darting to the sides as though looking for escape in the beginning of the call. Like his left hand curling against his left jaw for a moment, then the index fingers of both hands steepling in front of his lips as though he were trying to strike a pose, again for only a brief moment, then both hands disappearing from view. It was as though he didn't know what to do with his hands.

In those seven minutes, I saw a man who tried to project being calm and collected. And, yes, I sensed that coldness, that distance. But I also saw very brief glimpses of discomfort and uneasiness and self-consciousness and vulnerability.

Maybe he really does hate Skype and that's what causes the discomfort and uneasiness and self-consciousness. But it is also very telling that he would do the thing that he hates most, simply because I wished it.

Changing the premise

Wolfgang: what we did is good
Alt#27: what we did?
Wolfgang: yes
Alt#27: what part?
Wolfgang: everything we managed to do together ... we [solved] many obstacles
Alt#27: With much more difficulty than any relationship I've ever had in SL!
Wolfgang: and succeeded to keep it alive since long
Alt#27: /me nods.
Wolfgang: so, better when difficult than easy
Alt#27: LOL
Wolfgang: but also we created challenges, goals ... imaginations ... we did a lot
Alt#27: /me nods.
Wolfgang: and we continue to do
Alt#27: oui

Alt#27 and one of his female alts were supposed to go out to a BDSM club. But Alt#27's collar was locked, so he had to log in his male alt (her master) to allow the female alt to hold her leash. Something about the RP felt as though he was giving Alt#27 away, and I told him I felt sad. So he logged off his female alt and continued to hold me with his male alt.

I had been feeling insecure because our pairs have been moving around, all within the "family," but he also knew that I saw the original pairings as the glue that kept the whole "family" together, like screws that bolted two metal pieces together at key points. So with the alts "cheating" on their partners (of course, it's still just the two of us) in our RPs, I felt more insecure, like the screws were loosening. Or like the big screws were being replaced by smaller screws. And although there were more smaller screws, it felt as though their total strength didn't add up to the fewer big screws.

Of course, I didn't explain that to him in so many words. I just said I felt sad because it felt like his male alt was giving Alt#27 away. His initial response was "pfft" and that assuaged my insecurities, but we continued the conversation anyway.

After we logged off, I had an epiphany.

Since childhood, I learned to expect the worst, but hope for the best. I did the same with my SL relationships. And since Wolfgang never actually told me that he loved me, I chose to go by the assumption that he didn't, although he argued that his actions said enough.

So, during today's discussion, we had an argument about logic. He claimed that I don't think logically, because my emotions are based on nothing. I replied that I have logic, but my assumptions, my premise, could be wrong, and I start conversations to verify my assumptions. Of course, he calls those conversations "arguments."

Then something occurred to me after we logged off.

I realize that I tend to be insecure, a lot. The more vested I am in a relationship, the more insecure I became. Makes sense, no? But he always says that those insecure emotions have no basis. And he has said it in so many ways. ... "You keep your place with me." ... "I don't give you up." ... "Pfft."

And he expressed it in his own actions. He made sure I felt good in whatever we did or he wouldn't do it. He kept the conversations going. He showed an interest in having a future together. And he showed up. Like he said, we "succeeded to keep it alive since long."

Why am I still insecure?

So, I'm thinking of doing an experiment. This time, I'm going to change my premise. This time, I'm going to go with the assumption that he loves me deeply. That he adores me. (He did say that once, after all.)

This time, I'm going to expect the best.

Opal Drew

And if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
- Rascal Flatts


Something caught my eye in Flickr yesterday. Actually, a lot of things catch my eye on Flickr, and I just fave them. ;)  But this one was different.

Without going into details, I'll just compare it with previous experiences. Two, in fact. The caption was the name of a song that was "given" to me a long long time ago. The first thing I thought of was an old incident when a former lover said that a certain song reminded him of me, and then he later dedicated the same song to his bride at their reception which HiHo attended as the best man. I thought it happened again. But reading through the description, it wasn't the case. Then I wondered if the caption was a very discreet message, which reminded me of another incident where what seemed like an encoded message was "mistakenly" sent to a group chat.

I don't know what to think about this. Or even if I should even think about this. There are enough clues to figure out what happened. And I wondered if karma had anything to do with it. If it did, I don't know if I'd rejoice or if I'd sympathize.

Wolfgang repeatedly reminds me to stick with reality and stop imagining things. (This, from a guy who RPs with me every time we meet.) That's what he usually says when I'm being insecure. But, maybe he's right. Maybe I imagine myself as Nancy Drew and see clues of "mysteries" everywhere. Well, my avie already has the auburn hair....



Soon after midnight, I met with Rapido, who is now partnered. He said it went very fast. But being partnered didn't change how he flirts with me anyway.

He asked me to fix up his alt Rapido#2, who is exclusive to me. I asked what for, since he is now partnered.

"[Alt#31] would be your mistress?" I asked. I think he misunderstood, because he asked if Rapido#2 would be my master.

I replied, "I already have a dom. I don't want any more."

"Not like me," he countered.

"But I promised him no more doms or masters after him," I said. "I'm a terrible sub.... I give him headaches."

Then he claimed, "You are mine.... sl and rl."

I had to change the subject. :)

"Connecting: 365 SL Lives" repost

The following was posted in the "Connecting: 365 SL Lives" blog. It looks like it was just copied and pasted without making the URLs into links, and they didn't pick up my pictures. So, this is the intended version of that post.

UPDATE: The "Connecting:365 SL Lives" blog has been updated with pictures. Yay!




Seven years.

My real life seems to be divided into segments that are factors of seven years. I was married soon after I turned 21. I was divorced 14 years later. I worked in Corporate America for 14 years. I owned my first condo for 7 years, and I’m about to transfer another family property after holding it for almost 14 years.

Opal is seven years old today. Come October, I would be 49 years old. Come November, I would be divorced for 14 years. Would this year be significant for me? Or would it mark only the halfway point of a cycle?



For most people, SL is just a diversion, something to do in their free time, while they worked day jobs and took care of their families in real life. But it was different for me.

I chose to immerse myself. Fully.

It was an experiment on myself. Like people who sealed themselves in biospheres in the name of science. Like the thousands clamoring to be among the few to be sent to live in a Mars colony. Except my little experiment wasn’t so extreme.

For me, SL became work and play, public and private. I created a wide variety of content, I started businesses, I helped non-profits, I analyzed relationships, I blogged, I wrote a book, I walked runways, I ran trails, I burned temples, I taught, I explored, I danced, I hugged, I talked, I laughed, I cried, I loved. In many ways.



When I joined SL in 2006, the whole concept of virtual worlds was incredibly exciting. It held so much promise in so many areas and at so many levels. I met the most interesting people from all over the world. I did things I would have never done. I experienced situations that I would likely never encounter in real life.

Those of us who invested our time and effort on the platform have been called many things – addicted, marginalized, irresponsible. At times, I wondered if the critics were right. I wondered if I had wasted my time. I wondered if I should have stayed with a secure career that I abandoned to search for a more meaningful life.

Yet, I still believe that we are only at the infancy of something big, a slow cultural shift toward greater globalization at the individual level, enabled by technology. People who have never lived in a virtual world cannot truly comprehend what it’s like to confide in a friend whom you’ve never met. Or to fall deeply in love with someone who lives in a different continent and barely speaks the same language. Or to collaborate with people whose real names you don’t know.

We are not addicted, marginalized, or irresponsible. We are creative and adventurous early adopters, who see potential where others see a sinking ship. Time will either prove us right or wrong, and it’s too early to tell. Maybe, seven years from now… or fourteen years... or twenty-one years, someone would read our words and view our works. And they would realize that we were, in fact, visionaries.



Bio

The digital avatar Opal Lei is animated by the biological avatar Lea Tesoro, author of “Love, Like Dim Sum,” a book about virtual relationships (lovelikedimsum.com). She is also the human behind the ever-wandering photographer Dim Sum the cat (wheresdimsum.com), and the creator of Mer Betta mermaid tails (merbetta.com) and Ms.O.Lei-ny miscellany (msoleiny.com). You can find her complete virtual-world CV at opallei.com .

On all fours

Wolfgang is on a holiday with no access to SL. We've been communicating by email mostly. Very short ones from him, because he could only use his phone, and he hates to type long emails on it.

In the past, I've sent him seductive photos (after converting them to very small jpgs). This time, I am working on a seductive machinima, instead. He knows it's for him. I had been working on it for a long while now, and before he left for vacation, I said it was better for him to see it when he comes back so he would have something to look forward to.

So I wasn't thinking of sending him any photos so I could work on the machinima. But today, he explicitly asked for one.

"Send me [a] nice sexy pic if you wish and can... pick who. And [tell] me why the choice." He meant I could pick which of my alts to take a picture of. We had talked about folding in a fourth alt into the family, one who had once belonged briefly to a lover. But Wolfgang is actually chasing after Opal lately.

I told him I'll let it simmer in my head and send it to him when I get a good idea for one. He said it was simple. "Just to pick [an] avy and sexy pose with a meaning." And he added, "Like... student on [all] fours waiting [for] her roommate..." He was referring to a roleplay we were doing.

I replied that I had to finish the machinima. After a few emails back and forth with pretend tantrums on both sides, I complied. :D

Pick an avy... Done.
Sexy pose... Done. (I suppose boy cats find it sexy.)
On all fours... Done.
Waiting for her roommate.... Oh, yes, hurry home, darling.  :D

Dove: Good question

I was searching YouTube for something when I found an ad at the top of the search list for Dove's newest ad. Here it is, then I'll talk about it:





Did you see the question at 0:43? ... Yeah, ... that simple question ... it brought tears to my eyes. ... When, indeed.

I am reluctant to post my RL picture anywhere; I am reluctant to have my RL picture taken. When I travel and someone offers to take my picture with the scenery, I decline and say, "It would just ruin the picture." When I look back at old pictures, I think that, in the ones where I looked great, I didn't look like me.

I justify my avatar's beauty by saying that I compensate for my RL with my SL avatar. How many of us compensate for our RL with our SL avatars? Maybe it's easier to count how many do NOT.

Of course, I realize that having a pretty avatar makes it even harder for us to accept ourselves. I doubt lovers who say that they think I am attractive irl, because it was my avatar that attracted them and my avatar looks nothing like my RL. I worry what a lover would think of me when I use the webcam on Skype with him. Would he lose interest? Is he looking at the RL me in Skype, or is he looking at my avatar in SL?

If a lover asks to see me in Skype for the first time, I am incredibly nervous. If he asks again after he had previously seen me in all my un-glory, I am ecstatic.

Do I think that people should make their SL avatars look like their real selves? I still think it's a personal choice. It's more than just a matter of confidence. It's more than just a matter of beauty. It's also a matter of experiencing something we cannot irl. What does it feel like to be beautiful? To be fought for? To be flattered? To have more confidence? To be desired like that?

Now, I know.

Would I want to be as beautiful as my avatar irl? Not really. I've seen the shadow side of beauty too.