Changing the premise

Wolfgang: what we did is good
Alt#27: what we did?
Wolfgang: yes
Alt#27: what part?
Wolfgang: everything we managed to do together ... we [solved] many obstacles
Alt#27: With much more difficulty than any relationship I've ever had in SL!
Wolfgang: and succeeded to keep it alive since long
Alt#27: /me nods.
Wolfgang: so, better when difficult than easy
Alt#27: LOL
Wolfgang: but also we created challenges, goals ... imaginations ... we did a lot
Alt#27: /me nods.
Wolfgang: and we continue to do
Alt#27: oui

Alt#27 and one of his female alts were supposed to go out to a BDSM club. But Alt#27's collar was locked, so he had to log in his male alt (her master) to allow the female alt to hold her leash. Something about the RP felt as though he was giving Alt#27 away, and I told him I felt sad. So he logged off his female alt and continued to hold me with his male alt.

I had been feeling insecure because our pairs have been moving around, all within the "family," but he also knew that I saw the original pairings as the glue that kept the whole "family" together, like screws that bolted two metal pieces together at key points. So with the alts "cheating" on their partners (of course, it's still just the two of us) in our RPs, I felt more insecure, like the screws were loosening. Or like the big screws were being replaced by smaller screws. And although there were more smaller screws, it felt as though their total strength didn't add up to the fewer big screws.

Of course, I didn't explain that to him in so many words. I just said I felt sad because it felt like his male alt was giving Alt#27 away. His initial response was "pfft" and that assuaged my insecurities, but we continued the conversation anyway.

After we logged off, I had an epiphany.

Since childhood, I learned to expect the worst, but hope for the best. I did the same with my SL relationships. And since Wolfgang never actually told me that he loved me, I chose to go by the assumption that he didn't, although he argued that his actions said enough.

So, during today's discussion, we had an argument about logic. He claimed that I don't think logically, because my emotions are based on nothing. I replied that I have logic, but my assumptions, my premise, could be wrong, and I start conversations to verify my assumptions. Of course, he calls those conversations "arguments."

Then something occurred to me after we logged off.

I realize that I tend to be insecure, a lot. The more vested I am in a relationship, the more insecure I became. Makes sense, no? But he always says that those insecure emotions have no basis. And he has said it in so many ways. ... "You keep your place with me." ... "I don't give you up." ... "Pfft."

And he expressed it in his own actions. He made sure I felt good in whatever we did or he wouldn't do it. He kept the conversations going. He showed an interest in having a future together. And he showed up. Like he said, we "succeeded to keep it alive since long."

Why am I still insecure?

So, I'm thinking of doing an experiment. This time, I'm going to change my premise. This time, I'm going to go with the assumption that he loves me deeply. That he adores me. (He did say that once, after all.)

This time, I'm going to expect the best.

Opal Drew

And if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
- Rascal Flatts


Something caught my eye in Flickr yesterday. Actually, a lot of things catch my eye on Flickr, and I just fave them. ;)  But this one was different.

Without going into details, I'll just compare it with previous experiences. Two, in fact. The caption was the name of a song that was "given" to me a long long time ago. The first thing I thought of was an old incident when a former lover said that a certain song reminded him of me, and then he later dedicated the same song to his bride at their reception which HiHo attended as the best man. I thought it happened again. But reading through the description, it wasn't the case. Then I wondered if the caption was a very discreet message, which reminded me of another incident where what seemed like an encoded message was "mistakenly" sent to a group chat.

I don't know what to think about this. Or even if I should even think about this. There are enough clues to figure out what happened. And I wondered if karma had anything to do with it. If it did, I don't know if I'd rejoice or if I'd sympathize.

Wolfgang repeatedly reminds me to stick with reality and stop imagining things. (This, from a guy who RPs with me every time we meet.) That's what he usually says when I'm being insecure. But, maybe he's right. Maybe I imagine myself as Nancy Drew and see clues of "mysteries" everywhere. Well, my avie already has the auburn hair....



Soon after midnight, I met with Rapido, who is now partnered. He said it went very fast. But being partnered didn't change how he flirts with me anyway.

He asked me to fix up his alt Rapido#2, who is exclusive to me. I asked what for, since he is now partnered.

"[Alt#31] would be your mistress?" I asked. I think he misunderstood, because he asked if Rapido#2 would be my master.

I replied, "I already have a dom. I don't want any more."

"Not like me," he countered.

"But I promised him no more doms or masters after him," I said. "I'm a terrible sub.... I give him headaches."

Then he claimed, "You are mine.... sl and rl."

I had to change the subject. :)

"Connecting: 365 SL Lives" repost

The following was posted in the "Connecting: 365 SL Lives" blog. It looks like it was just copied and pasted without making the URLs into links, and they didn't pick up my pictures. So, this is the intended version of that post.

UPDATE: The "Connecting:365 SL Lives" blog has been updated with pictures. Yay!




Seven years.

My real life seems to be divided into segments that are factors of seven years. I was married soon after I turned 21. I was divorced 14 years later. I worked in Corporate America for 14 years. I owned my first condo for 7 years, and I’m about to transfer another family property after holding it for almost 14 years.

Opal is seven years old today. Come October, I would be 49 years old. Come November, I would be divorced for 14 years. Would this year be significant for me? Or would it mark only the halfway point of a cycle?



For most people, SL is just a diversion, something to do in their free time, while they worked day jobs and took care of their families in real life. But it was different for me.

I chose to immerse myself. Fully.

It was an experiment on myself. Like people who sealed themselves in biospheres in the name of science. Like the thousands clamoring to be among the few to be sent to live in a Mars colony. Except my little experiment wasn’t so extreme.

For me, SL became work and play, public and private. I created a wide variety of content, I started businesses, I helped non-profits, I analyzed relationships, I blogged, I wrote a book, I walked runways, I ran trails, I burned temples, I taught, I explored, I danced, I hugged, I talked, I laughed, I cried, I loved. In many ways.



When I joined SL in 2006, the whole concept of virtual worlds was incredibly exciting. It held so much promise in so many areas and at so many levels. I met the most interesting people from all over the world. I did things I would have never done. I experienced situations that I would likely never encounter in real life.

Those of us who invested our time and effort on the platform have been called many things – addicted, marginalized, irresponsible. At times, I wondered if the critics were right. I wondered if I had wasted my time. I wondered if I should have stayed with a secure career that I abandoned to search for a more meaningful life.

Yet, I still believe that we are only at the infancy of something big, a slow cultural shift toward greater globalization at the individual level, enabled by technology. People who have never lived in a virtual world cannot truly comprehend what it’s like to confide in a friend whom you’ve never met. Or to fall deeply in love with someone who lives in a different continent and barely speaks the same language. Or to collaborate with people whose real names you don’t know.

We are not addicted, marginalized, or irresponsible. We are creative and adventurous early adopters, who see potential where others see a sinking ship. Time will either prove us right or wrong, and it’s too early to tell. Maybe, seven years from now… or fourteen years... or twenty-one years, someone would read our words and view our works. And they would realize that we were, in fact, visionaries.



Bio

The digital avatar Opal Lei is animated by the biological avatar Lea Tesoro, author of “Love, Like Dim Sum,” a book about virtual relationships (lovelikedimsum.com). She is also the human behind the ever-wandering photographer Dim Sum the cat (wheresdimsum.com), and the creator of Mer Betta mermaid tails (merbetta.com) and Ms.O.Lei-ny miscellany (msoleiny.com). You can find her complete virtual-world CV at opallei.com .

On all fours

Wolfgang is on a holiday with no access to SL. We've been communicating by email mostly. Very short ones from him, because he could only use his phone, and he hates to type long emails on it.

In the past, I've sent him seductive photos (after converting them to very small jpgs). This time, I am working on a seductive machinima, instead. He knows it's for him. I had been working on it for a long while now, and before he left for vacation, I said it was better for him to see it when he comes back so he would have something to look forward to.

So I wasn't thinking of sending him any photos so I could work on the machinima. But today, he explicitly asked for one.

"Send me [a] nice sexy pic if you wish and can... pick who. And [tell] me why the choice." He meant I could pick which of my alts to take a picture of. We had talked about folding in a fourth alt into the family, one who had once belonged briefly to a lover. But Wolfgang is actually chasing after Opal lately.

I told him I'll let it simmer in my head and send it to him when I get a good idea for one. He said it was simple. "Just to pick [an] avy and sexy pose with a meaning." And he added, "Like... student on [all] fours waiting [for] her roommate..." He was referring to a roleplay we were doing.

I replied that I had to finish the machinima. After a few emails back and forth with pretend tantrums on both sides, I complied. :D

Pick an avy... Done.
Sexy pose... Done. (I suppose boy cats find it sexy.)
On all fours... Done.
Waiting for her roommate.... Oh, yes, hurry home, darling.  :D

Dove: Good question

I was searching YouTube for something when I found an ad at the top of the search list for Dove's newest ad. Here it is, then I'll talk about it:





Did you see the question at 0:43? ... Yeah, ... that simple question ... it brought tears to my eyes. ... When, indeed.

I am reluctant to post my RL picture anywhere; I am reluctant to have my RL picture taken. When I travel and someone offers to take my picture with the scenery, I decline and say, "It would just ruin the picture." When I look back at old pictures, I think that, in the ones where I looked great, I didn't look like me.

I justify my avatar's beauty by saying that I compensate for my RL with my SL avatar. How many of us compensate for our RL with our SL avatars? Maybe it's easier to count how many do NOT.

Of course, I realize that having a pretty avatar makes it even harder for us to accept ourselves. I doubt lovers who say that they think I am attractive irl, because it was my avatar that attracted them and my avatar looks nothing like my RL. I worry what a lover would think of me when I use the webcam on Skype with him. Would he lose interest? Is he looking at the RL me in Skype, or is he looking at my avatar in SL?

If a lover asks to see me in Skype for the first time, I am incredibly nervous. If he asks again after he had previously seen me in all my un-glory, I am ecstatic.

Do I think that people should make their SL avatars look like their real selves? I still think it's a personal choice. It's more than just a matter of confidence. It's more than just a matter of beauty. It's also a matter of experiencing something we cannot irl. What does it feel like to be beautiful? To be fought for? To be flattered? To have more confidence? To be desired like that?

Now, I know.

Would I want to be as beautiful as my avatar irl? Not really. I've seen the shadow side of beauty too.

I gave him more

"my sub gave me so much of her it is difficult for her to imagine to share my affection"

Wolfgang's stalker returned, and we were talking about the risk of Alt#27 being linked to Opal. He was concerned about his sub finding out, because she is very possessive and she wants to be his only lover. She became aware of Alt#27 a long time ago, but she now thinks Alt#27 is no longer in his life.

What she doesn't know is that I have given him much more than she has. Not only have I given him so much of myself, but I have also given him what I was not. I was not submissive, yet I gave him Alt#27 as his sub, rebellious though she is. I was not bisexual, but I gave him Alt#32 who is partnered to one of his female alts. I loved my sexual freedom, yet I gave him Alt#6, who is now practically exclusive to him, even though he still allows her her freedom.

What I did not have, I created for him. What I was not, I became for him. Even if it was difficult. Even if it was painful.

And more importantly, I give him his freedom. Even if I feel jealous. Even if it hurts me to think of him enjoying the company of another. I give him his freedom, because his happiness is important to me, wherever he might find it. Even if he finds it in the arms of another.

When his sub was gone, I was happy that he spent more time with me. When she returned, he looked forward to seeing her, and I saw less of him, and my heart broke. But I accept it, even if it pains me.

I worried that his sub would find this blog and put two and two together, and she would realize that I am his lover that she felt jealous about a long time ago. If she does, I hope she understands that I accept her presence in his life, because she makes him happy, or else he would not be with her. And I hope she accepts my presence in his life, because I still make him happy somehow, or else he would not be with me.

I allow room for her in his life. I allow room for his other lovers and friends in his life. Because that is how I love him. And because that is how I define love.

Cherished Magdalene

When Wolfgang went on a 10-day holiday, his absence made me very, very insecure. Actually, even before he left. When I said that I felt like he was bored with me, he said it's just my imagination. Logically, I have no reason to doubt us.

Life feels desperate these days, and tears come too easily. And I feel even less secure, in spite of facts. In spite of his concern about my well-being and my mom's well-being. When I'm insecure, I don't see things in a balanced way, and I feel insecure about everything else in my life. So he points out the cold facts. He explains patiently, even when explanations tire him. He had gone through the same experiences, and he described how he saw it and dealt with it. Logically. Brutally honestly.

It shocks me. But it shocks me out of my depression. I asked for brutal honesty, he is one of the few who actually gives it to me.

I know that I'm projecting my RL insecurities onto our relationship. I know it's my current situation and my own insecurities from past affairs. I have not had an SL relationship that lasted this long, and I keep wondering if I'll know, if I'll see the signs, if I'll be blindsided. But he always reminds me that he isn't my other lovers.

Recently, he logged out one of his alts after he logged in one of his other alts that was dedicated to Alt#6. I commented that the first alt must not like me much because she left quickly. It was a silly comment because I was with his other alt. But it bothered him. It bothered him so much that he had to sit me down the next day with the first alt, and he emphasized that he cherishes Alt#6. It was the first time he used the word "cherish."

He made sure I understood how much he wanted her. And he said that, if he could be with only one of my alts, she is the one he would prefer to be with. She, who is my dirty throw-away sex object. She, who is my Magdalene. He cherishes her. I had rarely felt as wanted as I did at that moment; I was so overwhelmed that I cried.

If he could cherish that lowest darkest filthiest side of me and if he thinks of her as virginal in spite of who she was, then maybe it's a given that he cherishes the rest of me.



In other news, mfpwtff sent me a private message after he read my Facebook post about my mom needing bypass surgery almost a couple of months ago. I didn't expect him to respond to it. After all, he had been mostly offline for months too. His short message felt like one of those warm hugs he used to give me inworld, even long after we officially ended our relationship. He is in a new RL relationship now, and he honored me by letting me know. There will be no more anniversary dances, but I retain a very good friend.