Happy Valentine's Day

I think, this might be the one of the loneliest Valentine's Days in my life.

I've (finally) finished the first draft of the manuscript for "Love, Like Dim Sum."  I'm doing some preliminary editing and fleshing out of sections that are too sparse.  Then, next week, it will go to a professional editor.

Usually, I have a lot of things that are keeping me busy and distracted.  But not this time.  It's mostly the book.  And the problem is that I'm needing a lot of self-soothing specifically because of the book.  I've been going back to old chat logs as I do my research, and the memories flood back.  Ergo, the self-soothing.

I miss the old days, the more innocent days of SL.  Isn't that funny?  We reminisce about old days in SL, just like we reminisce about old days in real life.

Today, the eve of Valentine's Day, I miss everyone I have ever loved.  Today, I am acutely aware of how much I love each of them.  Today, I wish I could wrap my arms around them all and squeeze them tight.  Even the ones who know me only through my alts.  Even the ones who only briefly touched my life.  Today, I wish I could hug the world.

Homesick for no where, no when, no whom

In January 2004, I wrote this in my real-life blog:

Once in a while, I'd yearn for places that I've once called home. But they are no longer there. The physical places are still there, but they are changed somehow. Or perhaps I am changed somehow. Home is not a place; it is the atmosphere of the place, its ambience, its essence. It may even be a character, a way of being, a state of mind. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; home is in the eye of the homesick.

Sometimes, I even miss places that I have never been to. Places that only exist in my mind. Places created when I read a book.

I missed one such place a long time ago. The book was "Legend of Lost Earth" by G. McDonald Wallis. It's one of those pocketbooks that had a second novel in the back. I read it in my late teens from my mom's bookcase. Years later, after I had gotten married and moved a continent away, I started missing that place described in the book, the characters, their emotions, their struggles. There was a hole in my heart for that place. At the time, I couldn't even remember the name of the book so I couldn't ask my mom to send it. Then one time, after I moved back near her, she sorted some books to give away, and this book was on that pile. You can't imagine the joy I had on finding it again! It was like getting reunited with a dear old friend.

I feel that homesickness again.  I've felt it many times before, each time just as strongly.  But it isn't homesickness for the book.  It's not a homesickness for a place.  It's not a homesickness for anyone.  It's not even a homesickness for a time in the past.  It's a homesickness for everything in the past.

A few days ago, I found out that both Spaceport Alpha and Spaceport Bravo, sims of the International Spaceflight Museum, are gone.  I contacted Paradox Olbers to confirm that the sims were really gone. He said they were working on it, but it doesn't look good.

About 80% of the places in Second Life that held memories for me are gone.  About 95% of the people in Second Life that meant something to me are gone.

Maybe it's because I had to let Holstein go yesterday.  He had reconciled with his real-life long-term partner the previous night.

Maybe it's because I'm sifting through old chat logs for the book and remembering past loves.  It's all a blur now.  Memories are blending into each other.

I don't know what I want anymore.  I don't know what place I'm homesick for anymore.  I don't know which lover I'm missing anymore.

The ache I feel is for all of them.  It hurts like hell.

And my heart is weary.

I hate falling in love

I hate falling in love.

I get very insecure.  All my relationship fears resurface when I am vulnerable, like monsters under my bed just waiting for the lights to go out.  I wonder how long he would stick around.  I wonder what every gesture meant.

Because of that, I lose my power.  All of a sudden, I become more submissive.  I defer to him.  Maybe if I gave him what he wanted, he'll stay longer.  My abandonment issues come up.

I told Holstein that I actually prefer to have sex with a man early on in the relationship, because, if that was all he wanted, he'd be gone sooner.  And that meant I didn't have to waste too much time on him.  It meant I wouldn't risk being heartbroken.

We had sex.  We were supposed to meet the next day.  He had to cancel because of a prior commitment.  He said he couldn't come into SL until 4am.  I waited.  Then he said another hour.  I waited for an hour and a half.  I left him a message that I was going to bed.

The next day, he logged out when I logged in.  No responses to the messages I had left the night before.  In the evening, I didn't notice him come in.  When I did, a couple of hours later, I said hi.  No response again and he logged out a few minutes later.

I was hurt.  I figured that was the end of it.  Maybe sex really was all he wanted and he had moved on.  Or maybe his "prior commitment" was with his ex and they decided to get back together and she forbid him to talk to me again.  It didn't matter that he told me he loved me for a long time, since he met me when he was new to SL.  After all, another lover had told me he loved me and later admitted he really didn't.

I assumed he was intentionally avoiding me.  So, I emailed him to release him.  He replied, "If I no longer wanted to see or talk with you, I would say so and not just ignore you."  So, we made up.  I saw him briefly earlier today; we chatted and flirted.  Then he had to go.

I didn't think he'd be back again until 1am or 2am, so I worked on the book.  It was close to midnight when I noticed the time, so I closed down all my apps to take a shower before he logged in.

When I got back to my computer after my shower, I saw an offline message from him: "I came - you left............"  He had logged in about a minute before I logged out for my shower.

Ooops.

Holstein

He was just a newbie, when Alt #11 met him at Frank's.  He had a gorgeous black skin with a gentle face that I hadn't seen before.

[2011-07-24 20:44:55]  Holstein: btw - i'm only half black
[2011-07-24 20:45:01]  Alt #11 smiles.
[2011-07-24 20:45:28]  Holstein: the bottom half is white
[2011-07-24 20:45:36]  Alt #11: lmao
[2011-07-24 20:45:50]  Alt #11: At least you're not spotted like a cow!

Several weeks later, he called my attention to his real-life photo in the 1st Life tab of his profile.  He has fair skin.

[2011-08-03 02:55:30]  Alt #11: I thought you were black?
[2011-08-03 02:55:41]  Holstein: im half and half
[2011-08-03 02:55:59]  Alt #11: And the bottom half is black?  *giggles*
(I had to remind him of our old conversation.)
[2011-08-03 02:57:00]  Holstein: geez throwing my own jokes back at me

The day we met, he already wanted to be my lover.  I gave him a condition -- he had to ask his RL partner for permission.  After pondering it for days, he chose not to, because he was worried of how she would react.  So we decided to just be friends.

He had a partner in SL for a short while.  I had several lovers in the meantime.

But he remained sweet, and he almost always said hi when he saw me logged in.  He was always willing to "rescue" me from jerks I meet at Frank's. *grins*  He often called me "my love" and other terms of endearment.

Last month, I introduced him to Opal and, by extension, my RL.  He said, "The more I know about you the more I like."

For Christmas, he gave me a white stole.  So I took this picture for him:


Yesterday, I learned that he and his RL partner no longer live together.  But he said he wasn't hitting on me, because he worries "that it may ruin what we have."  But he wanted more time, so he couldn't be just another friend.

[2012/01/08 00:50:41]  Alt #11: Even without sex, I consider you a lover starting today.
[2012/01/08 00:51:10]  Holstein: awwwww thank you my sweet lady - well it is appropriate because i do love you
[2012/01/08 00:51:24]  Alt #11: I have to warn you though.... I blog.  ;)
[2012/01/08 00:51:55]  Holstein: thats ok my dear i have nothing to hide
[2012/01/08 00:52:25]  Alt #11: It's okay, I don't use SL names or RL names.  And I already have a nickname for you.
[2012/01/08 00:52:29]  Alt #11: :D
[2012/01/08 00:52:46]  Holstein: what is my nickname?
[2012/01/08 00:52:50]  Alt #11: /me giggles.
[2012/01/08 00:52:55]  Alt #11: Holstein
[2012/01/08 00:53:01]  Holstein: ???????????
[2012/01/08 00:53:04]  Alt #11: It's the cattle breed that's black and white.  *giggles*
[2012/01/08 00:53:15]  Holstein: lmao

A holiday greeting

Every year, it's a challenge to think of a new way to send a holiday greeting.

• I've done the generic buy-from-the-Hallmark-store packs of cards with handwritten signatures.
• I've done the cards with your name already preprinted, so you don't have to strain your hand signing all of them.
• I've done the personally designed handmade cards.
• I've done the Plaxo e-cards.
• I've done the email greetings.
• I've done the scrapblog.com greetings.
• I've done the create-a-website greetings.
• I've done the stereoscopy greetings.

This year, I did a machinima.



There's still a very personal homemade feel to it.  That's me singing into my Logitech headset mic.  Complete with pops, scratchy voice, and sniffly inhales.  While searching for podsafe music, I found a website called ujam.com that generates an accompaniment for you in different styles and lets you add effects to your voice as well.  They were having a contest for Christmas songs and, since I was planning to do this song for the machinima anyway, I thought I'd shoot two birds with one song.  ;)

That took me a whole night.  It's HARD to sing karaoke.  You have to sing it in their style at their speed and you can't make any changes at all.  Anyway, after a gazillion tries, I decided it was good enough for what I need and I set it aside.

I've been having problems with my machine so I reinstalled the OS from scratch, and, after reinstalling the Second Life Viewer 3, it said that I didn't have an up-to-date driver or my equipment wasn't compatible with SL.  What on earth?!?  Phoenix gave me the same error.  Then I realized that Windows 7 thinks that all I have is a standard VGA graphics adapter.

Reinstalling new drivers from the amd.com website didn't fix it.  Nor did drivers from the Dell website.  I had to call Dell again yesterday to get their help for US$89.  (My warranty had expired.)  But the tech fixed it and it sees both my graphics cards again!  I can even do shadows now!  The shadows are pixelated, but they're there!  Geez, have I been missing out all this time just because Windows didn't recognize my graphics cards?!?

Anyway, I decided to film the shadows and I remembered I had to do my holiday greetings yet.  And I realized that if I don't finish it now, I won't have time until the new year.  So I spent last night doing the machinima portion of it.

I started filming my avatars, but it didn't quite fit the theme of the music.  I originally wanted to do a creche made up of my alts, but I don't have the time to do the animations and the costumes.  So I bought a creche in the Second Life Marketplace instead.  I set up a floating island in the sky above the Mer Betta store, added some rocks and palm trees (yes, I'm well aware these are the wrong type of palm trees but it's all I have), and chose the Midnight windlight and darkened it even more.  A little adjustment of the East direction to get the moon in the right spot, and I was taping.

I don't think I had enough footage to work with, so there's a lot of stops and starts if you look closely enough.  Next year, I'll start planning earlier.  And I'll have more experience with machinimas by then.


And for the first time in five years, it's the same greeting "card" for friends in both real life and Second Life.  And I'm not going back to static paper cards again.  See, I'm saving trees!

Happy holidays!

Gone blind

Well, nobody warned me that I'd go blind if I have too much SLex....  ;)

Anyway, I can't see anything in SL, so I've had to cancel the photoshoot for the book cover art for now.

I had been lagging severely the past week.  It started when I had to clean-reinstall Firestorm because llTargetOmega wasn't working.  But the lag wasn't just in SL anymore, so I ran some diagnostic tools online and they told me that I had more than 3000 registry errors.

Instead of shelling out US$40 for a fix, I decided to format my c: drive and reinstall Windows 7 from scratch.  After that, I reinstalled all other tools I use currently -- Gimp, Blender, and a whole slew of other stuff.  It took me all night.  When I finally got to installing the Second Life Viewer 3, it told me that my graphics card driver was not up-to-date or that I didn't have the right equipment.

So, I went to the Dell website and I kept getting errors when I tried to go to their drivers page.  So, I went to AMD's website because it's an ATI graphics card.  But after installing the app that installs drivers, it says that I don't have a compatible adapter.  I looked in the Device Manager, and, sure enough, it says I have a "Standard VGA Graphics Adapter".

So, I went back to the Dell website to see if I could chat online with a technician, but the website said that I had to call them because I own an Alienware.  So, I fired up Skype and called the number, and after wending my way through the convoluted phone menu, I finally got to talk to someone named Jonathan.

After I explained my plight and what I had already tried, he said that I should use the drivers from the Dell website, not the ones from the AMD website.  I argued that I couldn't get to that page.

Because my warranty had expired, he said it would cost me US$89 for him to install the right drivers.  I said, "WHAT?!?"  Thankfully, he agreed that it's not fair to charge me that amount, when it's their fault that I can't get to their drivers webpage and install it myself.  At that point, he had already taken control of my machine to take a look, so I was able to show him the error on the webpage.  It turned out that I had to use Internet Explorer to get to that page.  I was using Firefox.

Meanwhile, he was trying to upsell me to a US$329 one-year warranty extension.  So I asked firmly if we could escalate it slowly.  And we agreed that I'd try to install the drivers from Dell first and call back if it doesn't work.

It didn't work.  I got the exact same message from the drivers I got from AMD.  But, by then it was already noon and I hadn't had any sleep all night, so I went to take a nap.  When I got up, it was already after business hours.  So I have to wait until tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I'm logging into SL using Metabolt, which is a text-only viewer.  But I can't get much done with that, since it makes me practically blind inworld.

See? It had nothing to do with SLex.

Unfortunately.  :D

No lovers on the cover

Under the covers, yes.  But not ON the cover.

I'm talking about the cover of the book.  *grins*

I'm working on the artwork for the book cover for "Love, Like Dim Sum" and I sent out this call for male avatars.  I could have just asked my lovers to pose for me.  After all, most of the book is about my relationships.

But, I decided to exclude lovers.  And even potential lovers.

I don't want any competition among them.  And since many of them rarely log in anymore, it's not fair that some lovers would be on the cover and others would not.

And I need to get this done soon.  It's due Monday for a mention in a very important media newsletter that will come out mid-February, which is my target release date, so I don't have time to wait for scarce lovers to log in again.

So, if you were not invited to this photo shoot, it's because a) you were a lover, b) you are a lover, or c) you're a potential lover.  So consider it a compliment. ;)