Reluctant bride

"Whirlwind" is a serious understatement.

I met him on August 3rd, just three weeks ago. It started becoming intense around the middle of the month. Heck, a week ago, I still didn't think anything would come of it.

But the man is persistent. He had already decided he wanted me to be his wife, both in SL and RL. I said I wanted him to live with me irl for at least a month before making any decisions. From his perspective, I'm the only one who's not sure.

We argued about it. We argued for days. Today, he won the argument.

I was planning a party for my fifth rez day anniversary on August 31. Now, it'll also be an SL wedding and an RL engagement.

*sigh*

PS: I *do* love him dearly. I've brought up a lot of concerns the past few days and he had assurances and solutions for each of them. Maybe it's just my issues with commitments that make me very nervous. Particularly the real-life commitment. *sighs again*

How Opal got her groove back

I didn't take him seriously. I still don't know if I can take him seriously.

He met Alt #11 at Frank's. He was one of three who IM'd me at about the same time, but he was the first to ask me to dance.

He wasn't even wearing a tux. When he finally changed (while we were dancing, btw), he still had sneakers on.

He thought Alt #11's name was "imaginative and beautiful". His 1st Life tab had pretty much everything about him, succinct but complete -- his RL first name, what he does, where he lives, his philosophy about SL ("RL = SL"), and the picture of a very good-looking and charming young man with a mischievous smile a la Hugh Grant. He's two whole decades my junior.

He taught me how to cuss in German. I teased him about his naughty name. (He explained the very innocent origin of the name, however. The numbers were his post code.)

"So, what brought you to SL?" I asked.

"well, I was interested in using it in the classroom initially, but now I've moved on to sex... ;-)" was his reply.

We joked, we laughed. He talked as though he were certain that we were going to have a relationship. I tried to convince him that he wouldn't want a relationship with me. And his responses were very insightful and very caring that they surprised me pleasantly. Many times I wondered if he was giving me lines I just hadn't heard before. Before the night ended, I talked to him on Skype, which showed his full real life name.

We weren't on Skype long before he suddenly logged off. He didn't come back and no communication for days. I got nervous. The most logical scenario that came to mind was that he was actually underage and he was caught by his sister having virtual sex, so he was grounded and not allowed on the computer for days. This was based on a couple of things he said about his house-sharing arrangement.

When he logged back in, he explained that they had a three-hour power outage and he just couldn't log back in since. I told him what I assumed happened and explained why. We were on Skype and, as he was trying to explain that what he had said was the truth, I heard something in his voice. I heard pain -- the pain of a child being falsely accused.

It was very brief. I don't think my conscious mind even picked it up; only my intuition. And I wasn't expecting that impression. I was too pissed and too nervous about the possibility that I almost had sex with someone who's underage. But there it was. And it came with a sense of certainty that he was, in fact, telling me the truth.

The next time we met, he crashed. Another time, he was interrupted and had to go. We saw each other maybe once or twice a week. I didn't think the affair would go anywhere.

But when he said he was falling for me, I figured I'd reveal my RL and "nip it in the bud." He laughed when I said that, but he was very kind when he saw my RL. So I figured we'd just be friends with privileges.

Then I went to Oakland, California to attend SLCC. My mind was occupied by the workshop I was giving at SLCC, but I had also emailed Rocky to see if I could meet him there. During the first few days, I had a strong sense of someone aching for me. I thought it was Rocky but I also sensed this new lover. So when he said that he missed me badly since I left, I believed him.

Early on, he asked if I had been partnered and I explained Alt #9's partnership. I added that I take partnerships seriously and that Opal will only be partnered if I'm engaged irl. The previous night, he talked about wanting to get me pregnant. Last night, he half-joked about preserving my honor by partnering with me first. I gave him Alt #23 for privacy, but he wants Opal, because he wants to be my lover publicly.

He said that I bewitched him, that I drive him mad. I don't know what I did to incite such passion. But it wasn't the first time either, which is why I worry. I broke a young man's heart before, and I worry that I'd have to do it again.

Until last night, I didn't think this affair would go anywhere. So I figured there was no point writing about him. But if the conversation is already going into partnerships, I'm sitting up and paying attention. But he agreed we have a lot to talk about first, before we even decide on partnering.

/me ponders whether to change her display name to "Demi".

(No, Liebling, your nickname won't be "sexgod" ... yet.)

Impromptu pilgrimage

I was looking for solace yesterday. "I" was Alt #11. I had a bad experience with a would-be lover which brought up issues that have their roots in my childhood.

First, I went to the Basilica Cardinale. It didn't feel right. Then, I thought of going to the Kannonji Zen Center, so I looked for it in Search. But as I did, I found another place called the "Kundalini Awakening Information Center" and I decided to go there instead to see what it was like.

I landed at the foot of a mountain by the water. I noticed another dot on the minimap, so I moved to the opposite end of the beach. There were many objects that gave information when touched, and I was looking at them when he said "Hello" in public chat.

He was a very pale-skinned young man with long blonde hair that went down to his waist. He wore a black leather jacket that was open in the front and matching black pants. He mentioned a school of Buddhism that he was "drawn to" but he looked more like a goth vampire with blonde hair than a Buddhist monk.

We had only been chatting for ten minutes when someone else teleported in. The newcomer was just as pale as the blonde, but with dark messy hair. He's less than a month old and we had to help him turn off his typing animation.

Their avatars had the same feel to them, and I initially thought that they could be alts of the same person. But they couldn't be more different.

As I as camming around the sim earlier, I found a sacred labyrinth at the top of the mountain and I noticed a path spiraling up the side of the mountain. I decided I would walk up mountainside path and walk the labyrinth. After all, the sacred labyrinth was supposed to be walked as a form of meditation.

The blonde told us about the jetskis which could be rezzed from a billboard by the dock, before he himself took off in a jetski wearing his "church clothes". I invited the dark-haired one to join me on my trek. He was worried that he would be bumping against objects along the way, but I told him he could use the trek to practice walking, so he tagged along. The blonde got tired of the jetski quickly and decided to join us anyway.

So, up the mountain path we went, with me in the lead, sashaying in my ultra-high heels and white haute couture knee-length dress, which would have been more appropriate on a catwalk than a mountain path.

The mountain wasn't bare. There were places to sit and meditate along the way. A tree with a pillow at the base and more meditation pillows higher up. A series of yoga mats. A few altars. An office. A tea house. A wall to bang your head against.

At each one, we stopped and tried the pillows and the poses and I learned more about the two men. The blonde lives in the southeast US, claims to be "nocturnal" (it was almost 3am his time), and is a performer (singer and dancer). The dark-haired one is Irish, hadn't slept all night, and ought to be a comedian.

Our conversation went from the sublime(chakras) to the mundane (knickers).

"Look, I'm levitating! I'm a boddhisatva!" said the Irishman, sitting on one of the meditation cushions on a branch, after climbing the tree with a radioactive-green bottle of absinthe in his hand. Only ten minutes earlier, he said, "Oh, believe me, absinthe can be a very spiritual thing when used properly." :D

The Irishman complimented me almost as often as he took a friendly jab at the blonde. And the blonde held his own with his dry wit.

It was at the tea house when I realized that we were actually on a pilgrimage of sorts. Three people who had absolutely nothing in common, except we were all "spiritual seekers" in a virtual world, who happened to come to the same place at the same time. Had we chosen to teleport directly to the labyrinth or to fly up the mountain, we wouldn't have had the experience we had. We would have missed enjoying each other's company. As the Irishman said, "It's all in the journey."

When we reached the top of the mountain, the two men were still batting back and forth about knickers, so I told them we would have to walk the labyrinth in silence. I declared that it was the most spiritual part of the pilgrimage. They agreed.

Then we walked into the labyrinth. All the way to the center, then all the way out.

Somehow, when we came out, the air had changed. *We* had changed. The men resumed their bantering, but, this time, it felt friendlier and less competitive. Some experiences change us inside; this one subtly did. I cannot yet define how, but I am certain that it did.

Had I gone up the mountain alone, it would have been a different experience. Had I gone up with only one of the men, it would have been another experience. But all three of us going up created a synergistic energy with its own unique imprint.

We started out as three strangers at the foot of the mountain and ended up as friends at the top.

Shared experiences. Shared accomplishments. These are what bind strangers together. These are what virtual worlds are about.

Muted whisper

Once upon a time, I met a whisper and fell in love with him.

It is difficult to describe what we had then. But I know for certain that it is one of those unnamed things that are the best that virtual worlds can offer.

It's like Pinocchio becoming a real boy. It was a fantasy, a roleplay, that has become so emotionally intense and has taken root deep into our psyches that it has become real. Not real as to be part of the "real world", but real nonetheless.

I spoke with him in Skype today. As we would in real life. He said that he deleted the account. And I cried. I cried as though a real lover had died.

I wanted to tell him that I love him, but those words in the context of "real life" feels disrespectful of his real life. All I could do was thank him, but even those words aren't enough for the tremendous impact his presence made in my life. And when I tried to give homage to what we had, every word I said merely trivialized the experience.

What we have of this virtual world is so flimsy, so fragile, so transient. And places and people are gone with one click. Places and people that mean so much to us. Places and people who have been significant in our virtual lives.

And it seems so unfair that they could easily be gone just like that. With no warning, no preamble.

The whisper turned into silence.

And I grieve.

Time wasters

I broke up with Yes Man a couple of days ago. He admitted that he was roleplaying; I was taking it seriously.

I am very disappointed, to say the least. I had specifically detailed out what I expect in my relationships. Not just in Opal's profile but also in Alt #11's profile. He met Alt #11 first. He knows me from my most anonymous alt to my RL. He read my blog almost in its entirety. We had been talking almost every night for two months.

And yet, when I repeated exactly what I said in Opal's profile verbatim,...

Love me ...
... only if you understand that SL is NOT a game, because it isn't to me and my heart is not a plaything.
... only if you understand that SL is NOT separate from RL, and commitments made in SL have the same weight as commitments made in RL. Meeting me in a virtual world doesn't make me less human or less worthy of respect than people you meet in real life.

... his reply was, "Well, people say 'things' in their profiles." So he thought I was lying in my profile?!? Even after reading my blog extensively and talking to me for two months?!?

How else could I make it clearer what I expect? I put it out there for people to read in so many places. If people ignore it and assume it's a lie, even when there is so much evidence supporting it, is it a wonder that they cause a disaster?

This is why drama happens!

You try to be straighforward with people and they lie to you and assume that you're lying to them to justify their own lies. WTF?!?

If someone specifically says they're NOT playing, and you're a player, do the world a favor and keep walking. Playing is a legitimate use of this platform, and that's fine. But please don't impose your games on those of us who already made it clear that we're not playing. You're wasting our time with your games.

*sigh*

That said, Yes Man was a good lover. He was considerate and consistent and thoughtful and attentive, and he made me happy with his presence and his smiles and our conversations. Too bad it was just a game to him.

Well, if nothing else, he remains a friend. How good a friend remains to be seen.

A bow to the people of United in Style

How I got involved

The past two weeks, I had been participating in the United in Style event, an ambitious project involving fashion designers, models, musicians/DJs, emcees, show production people, and other supporting folks, culminating in three full days of musical shows and fashion shows.

When I found out about it, I figured I'd offer to walk as a backup model. I didn't want to participate as a designer, because I don't have much time with all the RL travel and projects I have until August, and I already participated in two other events as a designer earlier this year (the Fashion for Life clothing fair and the Fantasy Faire). And I also said that I couldn't start until the end of June when I came back from a 3-week travel.

At first, I was assigned one outfit designed by the amazing Sonatta Morales. Then, somehow, with all the people leaving for various reasons, I ended up with increasingly more responsibilities, some of which I volunteered for, just to keep Prissy Price (the founder of the event) from panicking. So I got a second outfit to walk, two teams to coordinate, which grew to four teams, and four other teams to help out with, emcee scripts to compile and distribute, music streams to collect, two group photos to take and process, three days of helping direct models/emcees/musicians/DJs during the shows, and an hour taking over as emcee at the last minute. Thank goodness, they didn't ask me to sing.


I am in awe

Some people called the event a disaster. Many people forget that it's not about them, that it's about raising funds for cancer research, that it's about saving real lives.

The project was chaotic, yes.
There was lack of communication all around, yes.
It could be improved in so many ways, yes.
It fell way short of its fundraising goal, yes.

It may have been a disaster, but it wasn't a failure. Not from my perspective. It would only be a failure, if we don't get anything good out of it. Personally, I did. Because, in those two weeks, I met many amazing people and I was awed.

"The true measure of a man is not how he behaves in moments of comfort and convenience but how he stands at times of controversy and challenges.”
- Martin Luther King Jr.

Both the teams in the Evening category -- "Breathless" and "Nocturnals" -- recovered well after being abandoned by designers. I bow to their resourcefulness.

Even Breathless's DJ Xerxes Ixtar recovered on Day 3 after an embarrassing conversation between him and his wife that was unintentionally broadcasted on his stream on Day 2. Well, embarrassing for him but funny to us. I bow to his commitment to delivering the best job he could and to making it right when he couldn't.

Rachel Dooley (Evening Team 1 "Nocturnals") stayed up late to clean up her team's emcee scripts and style cards after a designer withdrew at the last minute. RhiannaLynn Lane (Casual Team 1 "Fusion") compiled her team's emcee scripts and style cards in the same order as the line up and saved me a lot of time. I bow to their organizational skills, management skills, and dedication to their teams.

Avacar Bluestar, BillyJo Riler, Galdriel Inglewood, and Leigh Mialifo of "The Problem Children" (Casual Team 2) had the worst lag and even server crashes during their shows. I bow to their resilience.

Memory Thorne of "Disharmony Dream" (Haute Couture Team 1) and Rex Requiem of "Retro Glam" (Retro Team 1) bugged me to make sure their team's shows ran smoothly. I had to tell Rex he needs a good talking-to about panicking. Rex, here's your talking-to: "Keep clam." (Quote borrowed from my favorite seafood restaurant Ivar's.) I bow to their initiative to get things done and to continually follow up.

Katherine Comet and Aspen Parx of "Estilo" (Retro Team 2) were unable to pull together outfits for the competition, but they insisted on doing the designer showcase anyway. Even Blue Porchers, whom everyone thought had disappeared from the team, appeared on Day 2 to showcase additional outfits, in spite of incredible lag. I bow to their professionalism.

"Moda Hermosa" (Haute Couture Team 2) had disagreements and clashes within their team, yet they set their personal differences aside and came together on Day 2 to present the best show they could. I bow to their work ethic.

Lopez Fairlady and Memory Thorne, competing with each other on Day 3, collaborated with each other to sync up their poses for their finale. I bow to their broader sense of "team spirit".

I bow to Pooky Amsterdam for remaining calm under pressure. (And thank YOU so much, Pooky, for wearing opals in my honor. I AM honored!)

I bow to Wurlitzer Seisenbacher for his hilarious verbal antics.

I bow to NyuNyu Kimono for her foresight to wear a communicator to coordinate directly with the current modeling team while she emcee'd.

I bow to onyx Warwillow whose quiet empathy calmed me while I was pulling my hair out.

I bow to Rhianna's ear that patiently listened while I vented at the end of Day 2. (Thank you for the tea and sandwich!)

I bow to the many emcees/musicians/DJs/models who went with the flow as schedules and plans changed around them at the last minute, including Harlee Lane, Wurlitzer, WytchWhisper Sadofsky, and many others.

I bow to the many people who were willing to stretch themselves and do things they had never done before.

I bow to all of you who remembered why we are doing this and who saw this project through to the end.

And, finally, I bow to Prissy Price's vision and her tenacity to bringing that vision to reality. She may not be the easiest person to work with and I personally don't agree with her management philosophies, but she has good intentions and she listens to ideas. And, without her vision, this would never have happened at all.

Virtual violence

When I first joined the fashion industry as a model, I added a "Limits" section to my portfolio, very much like RP limits. I specified that I would not allow myself to be in a photo that depicts violence against women or denigration of women.

Today, I inadvertently broke that rule.

I was responding to a call for stand-ins in the MaMachinima group. The group notice didn't describe what the machinima would be about. Well, I thought it would be benign like the ones I've volunteered for in the past.

When I tp'd over, the first people I noticed were two naked women who were dancing in the air. The film maker asked me to stand by a "rack". And one of the naked dancers started chatting with me after reading my profile.

I was distracted by the chat, the lag, and my camera wiggling because of alphas all over the place.

Then I noticed that another female avie was near the film maker, and she was tied upside down from the triangular rack. Well, the film maker and I were both wearing gowns from Violator with lots of "tentacles", so I didn't notice that she had a whip in her hand. I had mistaken it as a "tentacle".

But even after I realized it was a whip, my mind zoomed in on how realistic the animation was that made the tied woman's body writhe. It didn't occur to me how violent the scene was.

If it were a man who was whipping her, it probably would have bothered me more. But because it was a woman whipping another woman (I later found out it was the film maker's own alt), it wasn't an issue about gender anymore, and somehow it felt more tolerable.

I had read "The Book of O" years ago and didn't quite understand a big part of it. But now that I've chatted with a lot of people in the BDSM community, I understood a lot more when I rediscovered the book recently and reread it. The odd thing was that the book mentioned that women actually can be more cruel against other women than men are.

What really troubles me is that I wasn't disturbed at all by the scene today. Is it because it's violence from one woman to another? Is it because I know that it's only virtual and she's not really being hurt? Or have I become immune to violence? Have I lost my empathy? Or is it something else?