Holstein

He was just a newbie, when Alt #11 met him at Frank's.  He had a gorgeous black skin with a gentle face that I hadn't seen before.

[2011-07-24 20:44:55]  Holstein: btw - i'm only half black
[2011-07-24 20:45:01]  Alt #11 smiles.
[2011-07-24 20:45:28]  Holstein: the bottom half is white
[2011-07-24 20:45:36]  Alt #11: lmao
[2011-07-24 20:45:50]  Alt #11: At least you're not spotted like a cow!

Several weeks later, he called my attention to his real-life photo in the 1st Life tab of his profile.  He has fair skin.

[2011-08-03 02:55:30]  Alt #11: I thought you were black?
[2011-08-03 02:55:41]  Holstein: im half and half
[2011-08-03 02:55:59]  Alt #11: And the bottom half is black?  *giggles*
(I had to remind him of our old conversation.)
[2011-08-03 02:57:00]  Holstein: geez throwing my own jokes back at me

The day we met, he already wanted to be my lover.  I gave him a condition -- he had to ask his RL partner for permission.  After pondering it for days, he chose not to, because he was worried of how she would react.  So we decided to just be friends.

He had a partner in SL for a short while.  I had several lovers in the meantime.

But he remained sweet, and he almost always said hi when he saw me logged in.  He was always willing to "rescue" me from jerks I meet at Frank's. *grins*  He often called me "my love" and other terms of endearment.

Last month, I introduced him to Opal and, by extension, my RL.  He said, "The more I know about you the more I like."

For Christmas, he gave me a white stole.  So I took this picture for him:


Yesterday, I learned that he and his RL partner no longer live together.  But he said he wasn't hitting on me, because he worries "that it may ruin what we have."  But he wanted more time, so he couldn't be just another friend.

[2012/01/08 00:50:41]  Alt #11: Even without sex, I consider you a lover starting today.
[2012/01/08 00:51:10]  Holstein: awwwww thank you my sweet lady - well it is appropriate because i do love you
[2012/01/08 00:51:24]  Alt #11: I have to warn you though.... I blog.  ;)
[2012/01/08 00:51:55]  Holstein: thats ok my dear i have nothing to hide
[2012/01/08 00:52:25]  Alt #11: It's okay, I don't use SL names or RL names.  And I already have a nickname for you.
[2012/01/08 00:52:29]  Alt #11: :D
[2012/01/08 00:52:46]  Holstein: what is my nickname?
[2012/01/08 00:52:50]  Alt #11: /me giggles.
[2012/01/08 00:52:55]  Alt #11: Holstein
[2012/01/08 00:53:01]  Holstein: ???????????
[2012/01/08 00:53:04]  Alt #11: It's the cattle breed that's black and white.  *giggles*
[2012/01/08 00:53:15]  Holstein: lmao

A holiday greeting

Every year, it's a challenge to think of a new way to send a holiday greeting.

• I've done the generic buy-from-the-Hallmark-store packs of cards with handwritten signatures.
• I've done the cards with your name already preprinted, so you don't have to strain your hand signing all of them.
• I've done the personally designed handmade cards.
• I've done the Plaxo e-cards.
• I've done the email greetings.
• I've done the scrapblog.com greetings.
• I've done the create-a-website greetings.
• I've done the stereoscopy greetings.

This year, I did a machinima.



There's still a very personal homemade feel to it.  That's me singing into my Logitech headset mic.  Complete with pops, scratchy voice, and sniffly inhales.  While searching for podsafe music, I found a website called ujam.com that generates an accompaniment for you in different styles and lets you add effects to your voice as well.  They were having a contest for Christmas songs and, since I was planning to do this song for the machinima anyway, I thought I'd shoot two birds with one song.  ;)

That took me a whole night.  It's HARD to sing karaoke.  You have to sing it in their style at their speed and you can't make any changes at all.  Anyway, after a gazillion tries, I decided it was good enough for what I need and I set it aside.

I've been having problems with my machine so I reinstalled the OS from scratch, and, after reinstalling the Second Life Viewer 3, it said that I didn't have an up-to-date driver or my equipment wasn't compatible with SL.  What on earth?!?  Phoenix gave me the same error.  Then I realized that Windows 7 thinks that all I have is a standard VGA graphics adapter.

Reinstalling new drivers from the amd.com website didn't fix it.  Nor did drivers from the Dell website.  I had to call Dell again yesterday to get their help for US$89.  (My warranty had expired.)  But the tech fixed it and it sees both my graphics cards again!  I can even do shadows now!  The shadows are pixelated, but they're there!  Geez, have I been missing out all this time just because Windows didn't recognize my graphics cards?!?

Anyway, I decided to film the shadows and I remembered I had to do my holiday greetings yet.  And I realized that if I don't finish it now, I won't have time until the new year.  So I spent last night doing the machinima portion of it.

I started filming my avatars, but it didn't quite fit the theme of the music.  I originally wanted to do a creche made up of my alts, but I don't have the time to do the animations and the costumes.  So I bought a creche in the Second Life Marketplace instead.  I set up a floating island in the sky above the Mer Betta store, added some rocks and palm trees (yes, I'm well aware these are the wrong type of palm trees but it's all I have), and chose the Midnight windlight and darkened it even more.  A little adjustment of the East direction to get the moon in the right spot, and I was taping.

I don't think I had enough footage to work with, so there's a lot of stops and starts if you look closely enough.  Next year, I'll start planning earlier.  And I'll have more experience with machinimas by then.


And for the first time in five years, it's the same greeting "card" for friends in both real life and Second Life.  And I'm not going back to static paper cards again.  See, I'm saving trees!

Happy holidays!

Gone blind

Well, nobody warned me that I'd go blind if I have too much SLex....  ;)

Anyway, I can't see anything in SL, so I've had to cancel the photoshoot for the book cover art for now.

I had been lagging severely the past week.  It started when I had to clean-reinstall Firestorm because llTargetOmega wasn't working.  But the lag wasn't just in SL anymore, so I ran some diagnostic tools online and they told me that I had more than 3000 registry errors.

Instead of shelling out US$40 for a fix, I decided to format my c: drive and reinstall Windows 7 from scratch.  After that, I reinstalled all other tools I use currently -- Gimp, Blender, and a whole slew of other stuff.  It took me all night.  When I finally got to installing the Second Life Viewer 3, it told me that my graphics card driver was not up-to-date or that I didn't have the right equipment.

So, I went to the Dell website and I kept getting errors when I tried to go to their drivers page.  So, I went to AMD's website because it's an ATI graphics card.  But after installing the app that installs drivers, it says that I don't have a compatible adapter.  I looked in the Device Manager, and, sure enough, it says I have a "Standard VGA Graphics Adapter".

So, I went back to the Dell website to see if I could chat online with a technician, but the website said that I had to call them because I own an Alienware.  So, I fired up Skype and called the number, and after wending my way through the convoluted phone menu, I finally got to talk to someone named Jonathan.

After I explained my plight and what I had already tried, he said that I should use the drivers from the Dell website, not the ones from the AMD website.  I argued that I couldn't get to that page.

Because my warranty had expired, he said it would cost me US$89 for him to install the right drivers.  I said, "WHAT?!?"  Thankfully, he agreed that it's not fair to charge me that amount, when it's their fault that I can't get to their drivers webpage and install it myself.  At that point, he had already taken control of my machine to take a look, so I was able to show him the error on the webpage.  It turned out that I had to use Internet Explorer to get to that page.  I was using Firefox.

Meanwhile, he was trying to upsell me to a US$329 one-year warranty extension.  So I asked firmly if we could escalate it slowly.  And we agreed that I'd try to install the drivers from Dell first and call back if it doesn't work.

It didn't work.  I got the exact same message from the drivers I got from AMD.  But, by then it was already noon and I hadn't had any sleep all night, so I went to take a nap.  When I got up, it was already after business hours.  So I have to wait until tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I'm logging into SL using Metabolt, which is a text-only viewer.  But I can't get much done with that, since it makes me practically blind inworld.

See? It had nothing to do with SLex.

Unfortunately.  :D

No lovers on the cover

Under the covers, yes.  But not ON the cover.

I'm talking about the cover of the book.  *grins*

I'm working on the artwork for the book cover for "Love, Like Dim Sum" and I sent out this call for male avatars.  I could have just asked my lovers to pose for me.  After all, most of the book is about my relationships.

But, I decided to exclude lovers.  And even potential lovers.

I don't want any competition among them.  And since many of them rarely log in anymore, it's not fair that some lovers would be on the cover and others would not.

And I need to get this done soon.  It's due Monday for a mention in a very important media newsletter that will come out mid-February, which is my target release date, so I don't have time to wait for scarce lovers to log in again.

So, if you were not invited to this photo shoot, it's because a) you were a lover, b) you are a lover, or c) you're a potential lover.  So consider it a compliment. ;)

A year ago today

[2010/11/25 01:13]
Alt#11: This is your first SL account?
Rocky: No I've been here before ... a very long time ago
Alt#11: You left and came back?
Rocky: Yes . . . Have been away for several years.
Rocky: Couldn't even remember the old account name
Rocky: LOL
Alt#11 smiles.
Alt#11: Love affair gone wrong?
Rocky: OMG how sad is it that I could be so predictable
Alt#11: LOL
Alt#11: Well, it's almost always the reason why people leave SL.
Rocky: How about You? ... an alt or original
Alt#11: Alt #11 actually.
Rocky: OMG
Alt#11 grins.
Rocky: Does that mean you've had your heart broken 10 times already?
Alt#11: If I left every time my heart got broken, I'd have maybe about 50 alts by now.

If I left every time my heart got broken, I'd be creating a new alt right about now.

Left the pilgrim and echoes of a lover

Left the pilgrim

I already knew about the lies.  I already knew the two pilgrims were lovers.  I also knew that their relationship was a D/s one.  And I knew that the blonde dom had a female lover as well.  However, I also sensed that Alt #11's presence in the sub's life was causing a rift between them.  I didn't trust the dom; he didn't trust me.  I was trying to explain why my presence wasn't good for them, when the sub suddenly started being verbally abusive.  So I said goodbye and logged off.


Echoes of a lover

Since then, I've met two men who have too much in common with Rocky that I had to ask if I had met them before.

Echo #1 met Alt #6.  He's very new to SL and his artistic profile prompted me to IM him.  He was actually a techie.  I was planning to transfer him over to Alt #11 by the second date, but we had a misunderstanding that gave me second thoughts, so I decided to delay the transfer.  He was worried about the disappointment if we should meet irl.  And for him, a relationship in SL*has* to flow out to real life; it couldn't just stay in SL.  So, we agreed to end it there.  I was crying.

Interestingly, I was very upset about it for a few days.  I was upset about the "breakup" for longer than the duration of the affair.  But I knew it wasn't him or that relationship that I was upset about, but old issues cropping up because of it.  And the ache of missing the one he reminded me of.

Echo #2 met Alt #11.  For several reasons that I won't go into, I fear that this one might even be linked closer to Rocky in real life than any of us could imagine.  And he lived in the exact same city where I once lived, and synchronicity like that makes me sit up and pay attention.  When he used an expression that Rocky loves to use, I freaked out.  When I explained that it was an expression a lover uses, Echo #2 said he wouldn't use it again.

That first night, he wanted to be one of my lovers.  We even did a roleplay of him filling out an application and of me interviewing him for the position.  On the second date, I bought one of his RL photographs for my art collection, then we explored a monastery and a castle, then we made love.

But I couldn't feel a connection, even though I tried.  It felt as though there was a psychological wall.  He was nice, he was polite, but there was no emotional openness.  I suspect he's still deeply in love with his ex-partner, whom he says is now married in real life.  They were still business partners in SL until the next day after our second date.  He said that she wanted to get out of the rental business and so he took over the land she owns.  I wondered if he had told her about me, which prompted her decision to untangle.

We were supposed to meet again tonight, but he stood me up.  I logged in at 9pm and wrote him an offline at 10:30pm.  At 11pm, as I was about to log off, he replied to my offline via email and said he had just arrived home. Now, I have second thoughts about this one too.


I'm pretty sure it's me.  I just don't have that fire anymore.  Maybe it's the hysterectomy.  Maybe I really don't have time or patience to start over with new lovers, because I have more pressing real-life needs.  Maybe what I really need these days is not the excitement of a new affair, but solace from an old love.

If only the old loves would log back in.




"'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away..."

The lost pilgrim

August had been significant in my Second Life.  This past August, I thought it was the disaster with 6969 that was the change in SL.  What I didn't realize was that there was something else as well.

The same day I met 6969, I met two pilgrims who followed me up a mountain and through a labyrinth.  The next day, both pilgrims contacted me separately at the same time and we had another quick but funny exchange with the blonde sending us pictures of him doing the belly dance.

With a trip and the affair with 6969, I didn't find reason to log in as Alt #11 for a long while.

Last Sunday, in between the Burn2 temple burns, I logged into Alt #11 since I was too wound up to nap.  Besides, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to wake up in time for the 3am burn.

I found the Irishman online and said hi, which was lucky for him because he was figuring out why he lost his legs after taking off his boots.  After we got that sorted out, we sat down at Kannonji for a chat.

He said that he and the blonde had gotten together and became lovers.  The blonde is polyamorous and has other lovers.  And it sounded as though the Irishman wanted to be one of my lovers as well.  "You were the person I most wanted to see again here at SL," he said.  So, he was going to ask the blonde if it was alright with him.

The blonde said no.

I don't know how the conversation went, but that was that.  I asked if the blonde would allow us to remain friends.  The Irishman said it was fine; in fact, he thought that the blonde was also "smitten" with me.  But I had the feeling that he was broken-hearted.  He was torn.  He adored the blonde; he said so repeatedly.  And he adored me.

It didn't matter to me.  From my perspective, we simply wouldn't have SLex. It would still be more than a casual friendship, so I'd make time for it.  He asked if I would ever spend time with both of them at the same time.  I told him that I don't really have time for casual get-togethers, but I would make time for climbing the mountain again.

That conversation happened yesterday.  This morning, I realized that, if I continued to see the Irishman alone, it would eventually undermine their relationship, so I left him an offline.  The blonde was online so I tried to contact him, but he wasn't responding and I had to go.

So I went through my day, then in the evening, I checked email and found messages from both of them.  The blonde said yes to meeting.  The Irishman said the blonde left him for his female lover, and he added that he was leaving SL and he said his goodbyes.

It upset me unexpectedly.  All I could think of was going back to the mountain, and I walked up it without stopping.  I was on a pilgrimage again.  At the entrance to the labyrinth, I cried.  I hardly know him, but I still felt deep sadness.  I walked the labyrinth.  It was a prayer for him to heal.  I sent him a message that I walked it for him.  Afterwards, I stood just outside the labyrinth and reminisced.

Not long after, he logged in and responded.  I tried to teleport him; he refused to come.  Thinking it was the memories associated with the mountain, I went to Kannonji.  He still refused to come.  But in the conversation, he happened to mention he was in Dublin because it was at least somewhat familiar.  I searched for the Dublin sim and teleported there.  Then I found him with the radar and teleported there.  He was sitting on the bridge, so I sat next to him.  And we talked.

I found out about the lies.  He and the blonde had been lovers long before SL, and the blonde had told him to pretend that they didn't know each other when we met.  He had told me about the D/s nature of their relationship.  Tonight, I learned about the abuse from his childhood.  I learned about his deep love for the blonde, about the last time the blonde left him, about his attempted suicide, about his hopeless dreams for a future with him.  I was crying the whole time.

He said he was leaving "this world."  I made him promise not to take his life, and he promised.  In the end, he promised to send me a message that he was okay.  He wasn't going to take anything electronic with him, but I suggested that he send a postcard to his friend in the UK and ask her to send me an email.  He agreed.

Then he left.  On a new pilgrimage perhaps.  To heal.