Dancing with a memory

Yes, I'm sentimental.

Yes, I'm weird.

Yes, it's eerie.

In SL, you can remember someone with more than just still images or chat logs or machinima. In SL, you can remember with a dance.

Yes, his avie is just an empty shell now. Yes, there's no conversation that makes the dance special. But mfpwtff and I made our anniversary dance somewhat of a tradition. Even if he's no longer here, what's wrong with continuing a tradition to remember what we had and to honor his memory?

Yes, I'm sentimental.
Yes, I'm weird.
Yes, I miss him.

At this date of valentine

[2017/02/14 06:22]  

Wolfgang#7: I had a litte thought

Alt#35: yes?

Wolfgang#7: I know it is precipited and maybe little sily, and i m not very much in symbols

Wolfgang#7: and i don't know if you ll wish

Wolfgang#7: but in case you d wish, and thought it was nice to do, although the complication when we don't use the couple

Wolfgang#7: we could partner them at this date of valentine

Alt#35: :D

Alt#35: I wish! And I accept!

We were talking about his two alts whom I rejected, because they've been with his other lovers. I deemed them "unpure". Then we talked about my other alts.

He wanted to wake up Alt#27 but he didn't want to wake up his alt that was paired with her. That particular alt of his is male, and he didn't want to do MF. Instead, he wanted to created a new (female) alt to be with #27. I declined. #27 belongs with that specific alt, and I couldn't see her waking up while her lover remains hibernating. So, instead, I introduced him to #35.

He had mixed feelings.

A screenshot of my horoscope for today.
 © AstrologyZone Susan Miller

Almost three years ago, I was deeply hurt because he showed favoritism to one of his other lovers. Just as I personified Death, I personified my pain, my jealousy, my anger. Alt#35 was born. She roamed for a while, then I finally decided to stop hurting myself with my own anger. So I put her to sleep, with no one knowing about her at all.

When he met her, Wolfgang said that, in a sense, she was our daughter, taking a hint from something I wrote in her profile. Plus, I explained that her name came from a poem that he wrote for me. He was very glad to meet her; however, the reason for her existence bothered him.

I was surprised when he created his own alt to be with and to be like Alt#35. They would be another pair that are exclusive only to us, to our "inner circle". Pure.

Today was the first day those alts "met" and spent time together. About fifteen minutes before I had to leave to get ready for work, he had a little thought. So, we quickly wrestled with the partnering process.

By the time I hopped in the shower, they had each other's names in their profiles. My fourth SL partnership; two with him.

I also agreed to go back and partner Alt#27 with her lover, a partnership that I declined angrily in the past. But we would do that next month on the fifth anniversary of our very first meeting in 2012, so it would be a significant day for us. Then, I would have a total of five partnerships, three with him.

Melting walls

Wolfgang:

this is the contradiction inside these [abysmal] creatures
She reject like, and desire to be liked
the doomed creatures
cursed

Me:

Those are the creatures who really need love most.
But they build walls around them, so they cannot feel the love that's just outside the door.
So they keep looking for it and craving for it.

Wolfgang:

yes something like that
and when they feel it around, they get panicked
or strangled by

Me:

Because it means the walls melted and they feel vulnerable.

We were talking about one of his personas, but my responses were also about me.


That was part of the hour-and-a-half conversation that we had on Saturday (yesterday). During our twelve-and-a-half meeting today, the walls melted away.

Yesterday, I challenged him to let me do something that I knew he would never agree to. It was just a joke. After a lot of back-and-forth about levels of gifts, he agreed. I thought it was still a joke.

Today, we shopped for what we needed. I still thought he would back out. Or we'd call it just another RP and have fun. He later admitted that he also delayed it by taking me shopping at another store. He was nervous about it. But it was almost time for his bedtime. And he promised it today.

Just a few moments before I started, I realized how significant this was. And almost instinctively, I tried to distract him, like the best doctors and dentists do when they know they are about to do something very uncomfortable for the patient. I asked him detailed questions about what he had for his RL dinner.

It was over in less than a minute. Then, I held his avie tightly. I was very overwhelmed. My tears fell irl, and I told him so.

There are a few very significant moments in our relationship. The first time was during our RP when I felt as though we became wedded, because I surrendered to him. In that moment, it felt as though our relationship fast-forwarded to a deep intimacy. Today's experience felt just like that. Except it felt like it was he who surrendered to me. The effect was the same and just as strong as the first time.

And I realized many things. I understood many of the things he told me in the past, and now I believe him because I experienced it myself. It is very illogical, but I cannot deny what I felt.

My anger dissipated. My pain was soothed. He gave me a very big gift. And I felt it. And he felt my response. For real. Today, he paid his emotional debt.

Many men have lost sleep just to spend a few more hours with me. But not Wolfgang. Until now. He went to sleep three hours late. because, as he said, "it s hard to leave when you are sweet like that."

I've never returned to a past lover. Until now.