Homesick for no where, no when, no whom

In January 2004, I wrote this in my real-life blog:

Once in a while, I'd yearn for places that I've once called home. But they are no longer there. The physical places are still there, but they are changed somehow. Or perhaps I am changed somehow. Home is not a place; it is the atmosphere of the place, its ambience, its essence. It may even be a character, a way of being, a state of mind. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; home is in the eye of the homesick.

Sometimes, I even miss places that I have never been to. Places that only exist in my mind. Places created when I read a book.

I missed one such place a long time ago. The book was "Legend of Lost Earth" by G. McDonald Wallis. It's one of those pocketbooks that had a second novel in the back. I read it in my late teens from my mom's bookcase. Years later, after I had gotten married and moved a continent away, I started missing that place described in the book, the characters, their emotions, their struggles. There was a hole in my heart for that place. At the time, I couldn't even remember the name of the book so I couldn't ask my mom to send it. Then one time, after I moved back near her, she sorted some books to give away, and this book was on that pile. You can't imagine the joy I had on finding it again! It was like getting reunited with a dear old friend.

I feel that homesickness again.  I've felt it many times before, each time just as strongly.  But it isn't homesickness for the book.  It's not a homesickness for a place.  It's not a homesickness for anyone.  It's not even a homesickness for a time in the past.  It's a homesickness for everything in the past.

A few days ago, I found out that both Spaceport Alpha and Spaceport Bravo, sims of the International Spaceflight Museum, are gone.  I contacted Paradox Olbers to confirm that the sims were really gone. He said they were working on it, but it doesn't look good.

About 80% of the places in Second Life that held memories for me are gone.  About 95% of the people in Second Life that meant something to me are gone.

Maybe it's because I had to let Holstein go yesterday.  He had reconciled with his real-life long-term partner the previous night.

Maybe it's because I'm sifting through old chat logs for the book and remembering past loves.  It's all a blur now.  Memories are blending into each other.

I don't know what I want anymore.  I don't know what place I'm homesick for anymore.  I don't know which lover I'm missing anymore.

The ache I feel is for all of them.  It hurts like hell.

And my heart is weary.

I hate falling in love

I hate falling in love.

I get very insecure.  All my relationship fears resurface when I am vulnerable, like monsters under my bed just waiting for the lights to go out.  I wonder how long he would stick around.  I wonder what every gesture meant.

Because of that, I lose my power.  All of a sudden, I become more submissive.  I defer to him.  Maybe if I gave him what he wanted, he'll stay longer.  My abandonment issues come up.

I told Holstein that I actually prefer to have sex with a man early on in the relationship, because, if that was all he wanted, he'd be gone sooner.  And that meant I didn't have to waste too much time on him.  It meant I wouldn't risk being heartbroken.

We had sex.  We were supposed to meet the next day.  He had to cancel because of a prior commitment.  He said he couldn't come into SL until 4am.  I waited.  Then he said another hour.  I waited for an hour and a half.  I left him a message that I was going to bed.

The next day, he logged out when I logged in.  No responses to the messages I had left the night before.  In the evening, I didn't notice him come in.  When I did, a couple of hours later, I said hi.  No response again and he logged out a few minutes later.

I was hurt.  I figured that was the end of it.  Maybe sex really was all he wanted and he had moved on.  Or maybe his "prior commitment" was with his ex and they decided to get back together and she forbid him to talk to me again.  It didn't matter that he told me he loved me for a long time, since he met me when he was new to SL.  After all, another lover had told me he loved me and later admitted he really didn't.

I assumed he was intentionally avoiding me.  So, I emailed him to release him.  He replied, "If I no longer wanted to see or talk with you, I would say so and not just ignore you."  So, we made up.  I saw him briefly earlier today; we chatted and flirted.  Then he had to go.

I didn't think he'd be back again until 1am or 2am, so I worked on the book.  It was close to midnight when I noticed the time, so I closed down all my apps to take a shower before he logged in.

When I got back to my computer after my shower, I saw an offline message from him: "I came - you left............"  He had logged in about a minute before I logged out for my shower.

Ooops.

Holstein

He was just a newbie, when Alt #11 met him at Frank's.  He had a gorgeous black skin with a gentle face that I hadn't seen before.

[2011-07-24 20:44:55]  Holstein: btw - i'm only half black
[2011-07-24 20:45:01]  Alt #11 smiles.
[2011-07-24 20:45:28]  Holstein: the bottom half is white
[2011-07-24 20:45:36]  Alt #11: lmao
[2011-07-24 20:45:50]  Alt #11: At least you're not spotted like a cow!

Several weeks later, he called my attention to his real-life photo in the 1st Life tab of his profile.  He has fair skin.

[2011-08-03 02:55:30]  Alt #11: I thought you were black?
[2011-08-03 02:55:41]  Holstein: im half and half
[2011-08-03 02:55:59]  Alt #11: And the bottom half is black?  *giggles*
(I had to remind him of our old conversation.)
[2011-08-03 02:57:00]  Holstein: geez throwing my own jokes back at me

The day we met, he already wanted to be my lover.  I gave him a condition -- he had to ask his RL partner for permission.  After pondering it for days, he chose not to, because he was worried of how she would react.  So we decided to just be friends.

He had a partner in SL for a short while.  I had several lovers in the meantime.

But he remained sweet, and he almost always said hi when he saw me logged in.  He was always willing to "rescue" me from jerks I meet at Frank's. *grins*  He often called me "my love" and other terms of endearment.

Last month, I introduced him to Opal and, by extension, my RL.  He said, "The more I know about you the more I like."

For Christmas, he gave me a white stole.  So I took this picture for him:


Yesterday, I learned that he and his RL partner no longer live together.  But he said he wasn't hitting on me, because he worries "that it may ruin what we have."  But he wanted more time, so he couldn't be just another friend.

[2012/01/08 00:50:41]  Alt #11: Even without sex, I consider you a lover starting today.
[2012/01/08 00:51:10]  Holstein: awwwww thank you my sweet lady - well it is appropriate because i do love you
[2012/01/08 00:51:24]  Alt #11: I have to warn you though.... I blog.  ;)
[2012/01/08 00:51:55]  Holstein: thats ok my dear i have nothing to hide
[2012/01/08 00:52:25]  Alt #11: It's okay, I don't use SL names or RL names.  And I already have a nickname for you.
[2012/01/08 00:52:29]  Alt #11: :D
[2012/01/08 00:52:46]  Holstein: what is my nickname?
[2012/01/08 00:52:50]  Alt #11: /me giggles.
[2012/01/08 00:52:55]  Alt #11: Holstein
[2012/01/08 00:53:01]  Holstein: ???????????
[2012/01/08 00:53:04]  Alt #11: It's the cattle breed that's black and white.  *giggles*
[2012/01/08 00:53:15]  Holstein: lmao