Minding my age

Sometimes, someone says something that rubs me the wrong way. Last night, a young man (who admitted being half my age) said to Alt #11, "i dont worry if ur 40 and divorced."

I bristled.

By saying that he doesn't mind my age, he implied that being in my 40's and divorced somehow makes me less desirable.

I told him that his comment made me feel insulted. I didn't put that information in my profile to apologize for being older. I put it there to attract older men, or at least to attract men who actually enjoy -- and not just settle for -- women in their 40s.

So I wished him goodnight and ended the conversation.

To his credit, he apologized and said that he didn't mean it that way. Some people are not aware of their own prejudices.

I'm not saying all young men think that way either. Just a couple of weeks ago, I met a very sweet (and very flirty) 18-year-old at the same place, and he flatters me. In fact, he's one of my new would-be lovers, but I haven't mentioned him in this blog til now. I don't think it'll get deep, however, but the flirtations are charming. His nickname? "Hot Wings". ;)

Immensely blessed

The break-up with 6-Minute Dancer stunned me in a way that was very unexpected, and what he said made me rethink my lovestyle.

Two lovers have consoled me since, two others have distracted me with fun conversations, and one other has sent me hugs and kisses. And I remember again why I chose this lovestyle.

I don't have to ask for more than each of them is willing to give. I don't empty their cups with my needs. That allows me to keep my independence, and them to keep theirs. We avoid co-dependency. Therefore, we know that, when we get together, we get together willingly, because we enjoy each other's company, not because we are obligated to be there.

There are times when I wish for more time with them. But when I miss one of them, it's not a generic emotion; I miss that specific lover. None of them is replaceable. Each of them is different. And that diversity in personality enriches my life. How could I give up that richness?

6-Minute Dancer is wrong. It's not that I can not be exclusive; it's that I do not want to be. Traditionalists may think that I'm being selfish, because I go for what I need. I would have thought so in the past, but, these days, I disagree. I share myself with more lovers than I would have in an exclusive relationship. At the same time, I allow my lovers to share themselves with others and to enjoy others. From that perspective, I think it is exclusivity that is actually a selfish act.

Being polyamorous doesn't mean I take on anyone who's available. In fact, as accepting as I am of people, I am very discriminating with lovers. The better ones stay with me longer, because I actively seek out their company, just as they seek out mine.

It was silly to grieve for losing 6-Minute Dancer; he wasn't right for me for several reasons. But that incident made me appreciate how incredibly lucky I am to have these lovers around me when I needed them, even though one of them waited almost a year before I considered him a lover and even though another hadn't been my lover for almost two years. Now, that is overwhelming.

I am immensely blessed.

Heavy breathing

Once in a while, a man says something that totally makes your day. It's not always the words he says, but the situation too and, most importantly, the sincerity.

"Lucky Bastard" and I were at Vista Animations, and he was testing the "Irresistible Male AO" which had the breathing animations.

After we both agreed that we liked it, he suddenly said, "i am breathing heavy when i see you."

LB is a quiet man; he's not the effusive type. So, when he says something like that, it hits me hard.

And it made my day. :D

Because I am who I am

He just left ten minutes ago. 6-minute dancer. I'm still stunned.

I had made him my primary after that 15-hour session. Then we dropped the ball. We both did. Today, we admitted it wouldn't work.

My reason was that he couldn't give me enough time. His reason was that he was "a little bit more old fashioned and traditional when it comes to relationships." Once upon a time, so was I.

But I had felt too much pain and endured too much heartache. My current lovestyle is how I control the pain and the heartache. I diversified to reduce the risk.

Sure, I lost the chance to delve deep into a relationship. But I never had much of that chance in the past anyway. So, who's to say I lost anything?

But the emotions still run deep. Oh, God, how deep they run! The pain remains, the heartaches still come, but the only difference is that I have someone else to catch me, instead of splintering into pieces alone like I used to every time a lover left.

Could I go back to who I was? Would I go back to who I was? He doesn't think I could because he couldn't meet my needs. I think that he couldn't meet my needs because he doesn't love me.

So my heart breaks. Because I am who I am.

The Igloo, the Surf, and the hermit

Maybe it was out of spite because "6-Minute Dancer" didn't come in at 7pm that evening as he said he would. But I took Alt #11 out again and met someone new again.


Igloo

It was already past midnight when he finally got the courage to IM me. He said he was waiting for the other guy who was standing next to me to leave. Like "6-Minute", he remarked about the comment I had in my 1st Life tab. At the start of the conversation, he was chatting as though we were buddies, but, towards the end, his tone had changed.

"I have met a lot of people in SL," he said. "You take the cake."

I was explaining why I have multiple alts and he said I was complicated. We talked about a lot of things. He was reluctant to reveal much about him so soon. So I did most of the talking. We talked about my lovers, about my work in SL.

"Ever considered living in an igloo?" he asked out of the blue.

By the end of the dance, we kinda had an understanding that he would be one of my lovers and that we would buy an igloo to live in.


Surf

"Surf" is not really a new friend. I met him almost a year ago, while updating my vendors and paying rent at Surf Camp. He was very new. Somehow, he offended me with something he said. To apologize, he bought a bikini set from me. But since it wasn't transferable, he essentially lost his money. But he was a good enough sport and offered to put it on. His arrogance turned me off.

However, since then, every time he saw me, he would say that mine was still the best avie he had ever seen in SL.

Then a few months ago, he said, "You are very complex and I want to consume you." Well, I didn't want to be consumed, so there'd be nothing left of me, so I avoided him.

When I first met him, he was about to have surgery. And now that I've had one, although a different one, it feels as though we now have something that binds us. I suppose I've softened towards him. And suddenly, he pulls back. In spite of all the chasing he had been doing, now that I turn around and pay attention, he is suddenly scared. I told him that I think he's afraid of me because he knows that an experience with me would transform him. And yet, he can't stay away.

"It's like you have kryptonite and I am Superman," he said.

Well, he'd be one of the lovers I'd ravish at the end of my fast.


So, what's wrong?

Five lovers. The Captain, the Lucky Bastard, the 6-Minute Dancer, the Igloo, and the Surf. Except for the Igloo which was a more casual feel to it, the other four have strong emotions involved. Too strong. And I have no outlet.

I'm having a spat with 6-Minute Dancer and I'm not handling it well. It feels like a break-up and I have this urge to crawl under a rock and die. To begin with, my intuition screams for me to run away from him anyway, just like I felt after the first kiss, because he would break my heart. But, at the same time, I know that, if I left now, I would be the young monk and carry him around for a long time.

I am overwhelmed. All these strong emotions that I feel for each of them overwhelms me. I am losing my balance.

So I'm thinking of being a hermit again. At least until my fast is over. But I don't know. I have made too many commitments to just disappear. I'll have to think this through. I just know I need to get centered.

6-minute dance

"You rezzed quickly," he said after eleven hours. "And you tended to stay on the edge, away from the crowd." He was talking about how Alt #11 caught his eye at Frank's. It would be another four hours after that comment before we finally said goodnight.

At 9pm the previous night, he sent an IM almost as soon as I got settled on a spot at Frank's. I had just IM'd my sister that it was cloudy at Frank's, referring to the many unrezzed avatars there.

His first IM was that he thought my 1st Life tab comment was hilarious. And the conversation started. His avie had a unique face. Something about the face reminded me of my favorite uncle, and it was eerily realistic. I asked him where the skin was from, but he refused to divulge that information unless I danced with him. I agreed. But I warned him that if he didn't give me the information in the first five minutes, I would leave. He figured he'd have at least a 6-minute dance.

The 6-minute dance lasted 15 hours, from 9pm to noon the next day.

He is very sweet and very romantic. He showered me with compliments the entire time, and he is disappointed that I don't seem to be as enamored of him as he is of me. Yet, twice, he himself dared to declare that I love him. Then a few minutes later, he'd display this insecurity and behave as though I had rejected him. It was like talking to two different people!

We were just chatting -- animatedly, if I might add -- then we kissed. Five hours into the dance. And the world changed. I was reeling. It was so intense that I was losing myself. I had to pull away.

Then he called it a "basic light friendship kiss." I was livid. That comment felt like a slap on the face. I accused him of playing with me; he said I was playing with him "on the same premise."

My emotions were pulling me both ways. I wanted to get up and leave. On the other hand, a part of me questioned the intensity of the anger. If there was nothing there, I wouldn't have cared and I would have just left right away. Yet I hesitated. As though he could read my mind, he broke the silence with "... and if we were truly playing, we would both have left hours ago."

At that point, he became my lover. He knows I have two others and he was fine with that.

There was something about that intensity. There is a tremendous force pulling us together, even as we both try to pull away. I try to pull away because I fear losing myself. I think he tries to pull away because he thinks I don't reciprocate.

The whole thing reminds me of another encounter a long time ago. Similar intensity. Similar push-pull.

"I need be your captain again"

"I need be your captain again."

That's what he said tonight. After a long absence from SL, he's back.

I told him that, because of my RL surgery, I can't have sex for six weeks. After joking that I still think the same way :D , he said that sex wasn't what he came back for, primarily. He came back for me. For our conversations.

He'll join my RP alt again because he still thinks she's "enigmatic". And we'll continue our RP.

He still won't be in very often. Maybe once a week. But that's enough. I need time for my other lovers anyway. ;) But I'm very happy he's back.

On the opposite bank

I write this as I wait for him to log in. Today is the last day of my binge.

It's not that we spent all of the past week together; he had other obligations after all. But he gave me all his free time, and even some of his sleep time. Before he met me, he rarely logged in. But he was inworld every day this past week, even if only for a short while to say hi.

I am overwhelmed. I go into surgery tomorrow, and, at a time when I most needed someone, he was here for me. Going out of his way to be here with me. To indulge me, a stranger.

Our conversations have always been lighthearted and flirty. He is gentle with me and his consistency amazes me. No drama. No heavy emotions. And yet I wonder. We never exchanged "I love you"'s, but if he didn't love me, would he have done this much for me?

I don't have the words to tell him how much this means to me. All I could say was that I really really appreciated it, and even that felt insufficient.

After today, he would not be exclusive to me anymore, because he couldn't be here often and because we are both fiercely independent spirits. But we remain lovers. And most certainly, we remain friends.

But the strange thing is that I'm crying, because it feels as though I'm losing something precious. We've crossed the river and we stand on the opposite bank. We'll walk together for a little while longer, but I know that our paths would slowly diverge. And that is what saddens me.

6-day binge

The horse carriage happened. :D OMG, I was so weak afterwards.

We decided I'd do voice even if he couldn't because he doesn't have a mic. He had never done voice with anyone before. And I thought he had never roleplayed before, but he did very well. OMG Too well.

He indulges me. I asked him to change his shape, he did without argument. He cuddled with me afterwards for a long while. I warned him that it was the point where we would bond, and he was fine with it, as though he *did* want to bond. Whenever possible, he would request that I be on voice; he loves listening to my voice. When he's sweet and romantic, it's not because it's a prelude to sex. He's sweet and romantic, just because.

We both wanted the same things. We both didn't want exclusivity, but I wanted him all to myself for a while, and I told him so. But it was time for him to leave and that gave me a bit of time to think. When he logged back in the evening, we had a talk. I rescinded my request because it would be unfair to him. I can't hold him for a couple of months when I couldn't be here myself.

Then I told him the story of the two monks and the woman by the river. I told him that Buddhists believe that the reason we keep reincarnating is because of our desires that keep us attached to this existence. So I didn't want to be that young monk. I wanted to indulge my desires.

I wanted to binge on him.

He understood.

So, he'd give me exclusivity for the next 6 days, or at least whenever he could log in. And that makes me happy. I'm getting my 6-day binge.

Personal boundaries

Before I start, I just wanted to give an update. Racer and I went our separate ways because he said that, if I would not be his love slave, he didn't want me. So that was that.

New lover

But now, I have a new lover, also with Alt #11. I danced with this one before and I thought it wasn't going to develop into anything. But he saw me today at Sweethearts again when he logged in. (Apparently, he doesn't leave Sweethearts.) And almost immediately, he asked me to dance even though I was already in IM with two other guys. So I said I was going to wrap up my convos first. He waited. Both the other two also asked me for a dance but I said I was already asked. One of them actually waited for hours, hoping to get a dance afterwards, until he finally gave up and went to bed.

Even though he was already sleepy, new lover stayed with me for hours, and somehow the conversation felt as though we were negotiating terms for a romantic and sexual relationship. We went to Sunset Jazz then to the Africa sim for a balloon ride. I've been to the Africa sim many times before. A lover introduced me to that sim. However, I had never taken the balloon ride before today, and the last time I went on any rides with a lover was on the now-gone Acropolis sims.

I'll call this lover "Victor", because I told him that his avie (with the tux he was wearing today) looks like a Victorian gentleman, which somehow made me think of being ravished inside a horse carriage. Yeah, we'll be trying that RP sometime. *winks*

(Update: I'm changing his nickname to "Lucky Bastard" because, when he asked me for a dance, one of the convos I had to wrap up called him that. And after my week-long binge I gave him a custom "Etched" set with those words on it, as a thank you gift.)

Anyway, after he logged off, I logged in as Opal and decided to go to Franks since I was still dressed in that new gorgeous red gown that I bought from Son!a's for New Year's.

Boundaries

I was standing quietly in the corner by the stairs, checking out profiles when I suddenly got an IM that said:

[2011/01/01 23:58] Flirt Sorciere puts some mistletoe over head and boldly kisses her while saying "Happy New Year"!

That pissed me off. I wanted to choke him. Instead, I said, "You can easily get slapped that way."

How would you feel if you were just quietly standing in public and a complete stranger comes up behind you and kisses you? It's a transgression in my personal space. I'd consider that a form of rape. He didn't even give me a chance to react and prevent him from kissing me. Even the vampire in the Africa sim at least asked for my permission first.

Some people would say it's just SL. I'd say how is that different? Just because I'm in SL and my avatar is just made of pixels, it doesn't mean anybody can do with my avatar as they pleased.

This guy's rez date was recent, so I asked if this was his first account in SL. He replied "no". If he were a real newbie, I would have forgiven him. I would have thought that he just didn't know what the proper etiquette is in SL. But if he's been in SL a while, that behavior is inexcusable.

If he did that in real life to a complete stranger, his face would be slapped, his foot stomped on, and his balls kneed. And deservedly so. And if I had a boyfriend with me, he would probably have been beaten to a pulp too.

The guy disappeared soon after. I guess he finally realized what he did was not welcomed at all.