Is love ever wasted?

If a relationship ends,
because it wasn't what you thought it would be,
because the magic dissipated too soon,
because the other misrepresented their feelings for you,
because their heart was fickle,
was your love wasted?

Would you want to experience it again anyway?

If you knew that an affair could only be brief,
because society would ostracize you for it,
because being together would be near impossible,
because you'd have to break previous commitments,
because you risk losing your security in the future,
would the love be wasted?

Would you allow yourself to be pulled into its depths anyway?

Is love ever wasted?

Damn oxytocin

I warned him about oxytocin, even before we met irl. He said he wouldn't be affected; he worried more about me. I told him that I had to allow it to do its work. Without it, I wouldn't even have agreed to meet him. And I wanted to experience him.

At first, I thought I could control it. The experience was wonderfully comfortable, not uncontrollably crazy.

But when we went back to our normal lives, my insecurities started coming out again. And the doubts came. Strongly. Suddenly, I felt that familiar fight-or-flight panic.

The RP had stopped. I tried to restart it a few times, but each time, the RP just faded or didn't even start at all. Our conversations suddenly shriveled to a very short chat before he fell asleep.

Had he lost interest? Should we even plan to meet again? Am I being played?

Logically, everything seemed fine. He had work issues to deal with, so I expected he would be very busy. But, when we voiced the other night, I asked him anyway. His answer was immediate and sincere.

He said that, before that weekend, the RP was very exciting. But after that weekend, the RP lost its luster, compared to our real life meeting. My heart melted.

I understood what he meant. I had in fact wondered how the RL meeting would affect my virtual sex life. Two weeks ago, virtual was all I needed, virtual was what I preferred.

Suddenly, I've become hungry for physical touch. Not just anybody's touch, but his touch. His hugs. His cuddles. His caresses.

There was a certain quality in how he held me that I didn't expect from someone so young. It felt like a claiming. He claimed my body, without tentativeness as though I was naturally his, and yet without possessiveness either.

Most men flatter with words and gifts. He flattered me with his fingertips exploring my skin, his arms wrapped tight around me, his body pressed against me, his legs entwined around mine. He flattered me in such a way that I forgot who I am.

*sigh*

It was supposed to be just a booty call.

Damn oxytocin. I lost control.

Enjoy now; define later

He made it sound like it was a common occurrence for everyone else.

"This is my first time to read a book with the author lying next to me.... With my hand between her thighs."

No, sweetie, I don't usually lie in bed with everyone who reads my book while they read it. ;)

I suppose it's just one of the possible things to do when you're spending an intimate weekend with someone you meet for the first time in real life.

The whole weekend felt very comfortable and familiar. As though I've done this with him before. Kinda deja vu, but not as mysterious or dramatic. There's just a certain way about how he touched me and held me, that I couldn't have imagined from our SL interactions.

It wasn't perfect. He had his insecurities (that I know about) and I have mine (that he doesn't know about). It didn't have the emotional intensity of my RL meetings with other lovers. After all, we had been lovers in SL for just two weeks. But it was very nice anyway.

And we each agreed we'd like to do it again. The question is whether it would be worth the expense, the time out of our busy lives, and the long drives (three hours for me and five hours for him, each way).

We continue to be lovers (and RP spies) in SL, but what are we in real life? Close friends? Booty calls? Cuddle buddies? Lovers? Whatever it is, it is definitely only short-term, for many reasons. So, maybe it doesn't really matter what we are.

I'll just enjoy it now and define it later. :)


DISCLAIMER: I don't encourage people to take the risks I do. I knew Agent A's RL identity before he knew mine. There were things he said about himself and things about the way he behaved towards me that made me believe I could trust him. I've met other lovers alone before, and each experience proved to be wonderful. But I have known them for much longer. So, meeting Agent A (someone whom I met inworld only a couple of months ago) was very risky from a personal safety standpoint. Please understand that, just because I do it, it doesn't mean it is wise, even though it turned out fine. Evaluate your risks carefully.