Eight reasons

He wanted a femme-femme relationship, not just a sexual one, but a deeply emotional romantic one. He knows I'm not bisexual. I suggested that he ask his other lovers, since we're not exclusive, but he specifically wanted it with me. So, I asked, "Why me?"

Wolfgang#3: first because you have some love for me, and would be supposed to love me [through] her
Alt#27: ...?
Wolfgang#3: ah you wait [for a] second lol
Alt#27: lol
Alt#27: You said "first"! So I expect there's more.
Wolfgang#3: second because i was sure you d like my gentle and soft parts
Wolfgang#3: third because you like rp too
Wolfgang#3: 4th because a female is always in competition ... with another, and would not have been like that with me as i m not a female
Wolfgang#3: 5th because you like aesthetic as much as me
Wolfgang#3: 6th because you like explore things, and parallel behaviours that only sl [allow us to] do
Wolfgang#3: 7th to enjoy my nature [appeased]
Wolfgang#3: 8th because all the other numbers could let you be in love with her [as with Wolfgang#3]
Wolfgang#3: i probably forget a few other reasons lol

We had been having this discussion for days. At one point, he had an epiphany about how differently we react to our relationship. Because I love him, I wanted Wolfgang#3 only to myself and not share him. Because he loves me (of course, he still didn't explicitly say so), he wanted to share Alt#27 with his other alts.

He had one specific female alt in mind. And he wanted to share Alt#27 with her.

He had never done this type of relationship with another. He had a sub as that female alt, but it wasn't satisfying to him. He never had a female-female relationship where both are equals, and that's what he wants to experience.

Finally (and reluctantly), I agreed ... but on my own terms. I didn't want to lose the exclusivity between Wolfgang#3 and Alt#27. And I wasn't comfortable with that particular female alt because there's an uncomfortable "history" between us during our old RP. Besides, there was still that risk that his stalker would discover us.

So I suggested using entirely new alts. So, Alt#32 and Wolfgang#6 were born.


I must say that his general demeanor through this alt is much more tender, sweeter, less restrictive. I took the lead in this relationship, mostly because we were fixing up our avatars and shopping as a female was my domain.

But, it's only been a few days, and we've already had a big fight. I couldn't relate to him through his alt. It felt as though I was conversing with the RL him in IM while some female bot was cuddling with me.

We were in the middle of a seduction the day of that fight. At some point during that seduction, an old issue came up and I stopped. He was disappointed. I became quiet and he continued to explain, as I'm sure he sensed me distancing myself. But his continued explanations felt more like an incessant attack. So I blurted out that I hated Wolfgang#6.

He was hurt. She represented his more tender inner self, and he felt that I rejected that part of him. But, to me, she wasn't him at all; she was competition. Because he created her, I saw her as his ideal of what a woman should be. We have very different styles. I even told him that she (his alt) looked like a sophisticated and cultured cosmopolitan woman, while my alt looked like an earthy California hippie love child.

Anyway, when I felt that I disappointed him, I blamed it on "her". But I felt sorry after I realized I was bringing up my own childhood issues -- the sibling rivalries with my sisters, the sense of not being good enough because I was being compared with them.

And I also realized why these issues are coming up with him. I had been (and now am) in situations with him where I really didn't know what to do or how to behave, because I was new to those situations. First, BDSM and then this. So, my brain brings up situations from my past that were similar in one sense or another to give me some context. And the psychological issues also come with those memories.

In our past arguments, he would respond with anger. He even admitted that anger was the only emotion he expressed. But this time, he expressed deep sadness. That in itself melted my heart, so I stopped the fight and apologized.

So we reconciled that same day and, somehow, we feel so much closer faster than ever. He had made himself vulnerable to me, and because of that, I feel more protective over him.


I never thought I'd be comfortable with this. I thought it would just be a short experiment and we'd go back to the way we were. Just a few days ago, I'm pretty sure I felt exactly what little boys felt about kissing little girls, like "Ewwwwww! She has cooties!" And, yet, in the past 24 hours, we had made love twice. And we rarely made love before.

I told him that I won't do this with anyone else. He said he wouldn't either. It wasn't my nature and it wasn't his. So this relationship is something unique to each of us and to both of us.

He was surprised that I actually enjoyed the lovemaking. So was I. But it wasn't because his avatar is a female. I still try to suppress that "ewww" feeling. But I can RP the lovemaking well because I know how I want to be made love to, so I simply describe that. And most importantly, it's because I know it's ultimately him in the back end.

It was something I myself told him that made me realize why my perspective changed. I said, "I will love you in any form you take. Even if it takes me a while to learn how to."

If he chose a dragon avatar or a furry or a tiny or an elf or a drow or a minotaur, it wouldn't be so hard to love him that way. So why then is it so hard to love him as a human female? Am I really the type of person who is so stuck on societal prejudices and stereotypes, even with someone I love?


I am grateful he asked for this. I am getting a better sense of his inner world through this new relationship. But we're not giving up the old one. Now, it feels like this new "relationship" with these new alts is just one subset of our relationship, like a small bubble inside a bigger bubble.

And if this is the only door to his soul, then I'm gladly walking in.

More involvement

Updates

Sometimes, you think you're recovering nicely, then suddenly some random thing, some random phrase, some random piece of music sends you sobbing again.  I probably should start packing the home I shared with Impy, but the pain is still too fresh for me to even go there.

Meanwhile, mfpwtff has been on email with me lately, asking me to review his personal ad profile and asking for my thoughts on things in his RL.  We've always had a wonderful friendship.  I relied on him for a hug and a chat on many occasions when I've been heartbroken.  Now, it's my turn to be there for him as he gets back on his feet after his divorce.  If only all my relationships end up like this, life would be good.

A close call

I haven't had much time for Rapido, nor he for me because he's going on a trip soon.  We've been taking our alts out (Alt#31 and Rapido#2) and doing multiples.  We've even tried to do a little bit of RP between ourselves.  Of course, the focus is still on sex.

However, I had a bit of a scare once when we were at a public sex place.  We were in a room in a castle when another couple came into the same room and used the bed.  Rapido, thinking it would be more exciting to do multiple, asked the guy if they wanted to join us.  The guy seemed to be all for it, but he said that his girl was too shy and would probably not agree.  Whew!

I have this "rule" that if someone who knows me from one alt approaches another of my alts by accident, I would admit that they know me.  I've only had to make good on that promise twice -- Impy was the second one.

And the guy that Rapido was inviting to join us in a foursome, well, ... he was once an admirer of Alt#11.

More involvement

When Wolfgang found out that I lost Impy, he simply made a comment about how fast relationships don't last.  That was it.  We were just chatting about the state of his relationships and how many he had left.

Then, the other day, he came in outside his usual time, so I tp'd him for a hug.  Then he said he had to say hello to one of his former subs, the same one who was jealous of my name in his profile.  She had just logged in.  So I released him from the hug, thinking that he had to tp away.  But he didn't.

He remained there, with his LookAt crosshairs on Opal.  He noticed that Opal has the same feet as Alt#27.  I said, yes, but Alt#27 has the mesh version and Opal has the sculpt version.

"She is beautiful," he said, referring to Alt#27.  "But I didn't lose hope to make you mine someday too."

Whoa!

That started a long conversation that is still unresolved.  It wove in and out, as I tried to figure out exactly what he wanted.

He likes watching female-female scenarios.  We tried it with one of his female alts, but it didn't feel right for me, so he aborted it, even though I was willing to go through it.  I wondered if it would feel more comfortable if both females were my alts.  He wasn't enthusiastic about the idea before, because he felt that I would still be doing something that I don't particularly enjoy.

But, now, he seems to be revisiting the idea.

I thought that if he just wanted a sex RP, I could use Alt#6.  He refused.  He said that she "belongs" to everybody and he doesn't want emotionless hard sex.  "i prefer more intimate relationships," he said.  I offered Alt#4, but he wants more than just RP.  I offered other alts that I don't use, and he said he'd like all of them.

His idea was to resurrect my sleeping alts, because he never liked the idea of putting avatars to sleep.  He puts so much of himself in his own alts, and he shivered at the idea that Alt#27 would be put to sleep if our relationship ended.  He feels it's like real death.  Of course, I objected that he shouldn't care what I do with her if he doesn't care about her anymore.

He said it was just a simple idea to pull my free alts into a "family."  He agrees that Opal would be more complicated because Opal is no longer anonymous, although he somewhat expressed a preference for Opal because she is the most "me" of all my alts.

To be honest, the whole thing was a big surprise.  He thinks it's no big deal.  But it seems that his idea of where we are is different from my idea of where we are.  I gave him the metaphor of a range from 0 to 10, where 0 means we are not involved, and 10 means we're married.  It seemed like (and these are random numbers) he thinks we're at 3 and he wants to go to 4.  Meanwhile, I think we're at 1, so it's a big jump from 1 to 4.  So, to him, his idea wasn't a big request.  But, to me, I'd have to rearrange my whole SL.

Last night, he logged in one of his female alts to give me a gift.  He had bought some nylons for me through her.  And, he started RPing as her, while I tried out the different colors.  And the conversation was very eye-opening.  Through the mask of a female alt, he spoke more freely.  He noticed I was calmer too.  And through that female alt, I gained a better understanding of a man who has been mostly a mystery to me.

And this past week, I'm beginning to see that we really are closer to "3" than to "1".  And I'm beginning to understand what I really mean to him.

The final countdown

Almost two years ago, on the second day I met Spot, he and I had a very bad argument about trust.  It was more than an argument; it was a real fight.

We stopped talking to each other after that, and not in good terms either.  Then three months later, he sent me a notecard saying that he was leaving SL, but that he had hoped we'd have a correspondence by email because I was one of the few "different" people that he had met during his years in SL.

That invitation was very unexpected.  What's even more surprising is that he's one of my closest friends in SL now.  (No, we were never lovers.)  Maybe the arguments themselves strengthen the relationship, because you air things out, because you know where you stand, because you discuss things, instead of allowing the resentment to simmer.

Anyway, during that argument, he said, "people in relationships [fight] to *keep* the relationship... it's so much easier to walk away."

He's right.  It's so much easier to walk away.



I've had my share of arguments.  Some lovers even claim that I enjoy arguing.  But sometimes, you have no other choice except to walk away.

Sometimes, there's really nothing to argue for.  Sometimes, you have to admit that maybe that was all it was meant to be.  No matter how wonderful the relationship was.  No matter how special it seemed.  No matter how much that realization hurts.

Sometimes, you have no right to fight for what you want, if getting what you want means you'd be putting your lover's happiness and well-being at risk.  Because he made previous commitments.  Because he has higher priorities.

"If you love something, set it free."



Impy used to do a countdown before he said goodnight.  It was a wonderful technique that soothed my abandonment issues.  They also say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit.  Since he's not here, I suppose I'd have to do it.

So, here we go...

3...

A mother's lap

My middle sister is only a year younger than I.  A year and twelve days, to be exact.  So, I was only about three months old when she was conceived.  And I wasn't even a year old when my mom pushed me off her lap, because her belly was too big and I posed a risk to the fetus when I tried to climb over her belly for a hug.

I was hurt.  I felt rejected.  Her lap wasn't my place anymore.  Her pregnant belly -- and later, my sister -- occupied it.

I vaguely remember this, of course.  I think it was my grandmother or my mom who told this story.  But I remember wrapping my arms around my dad's neck for solace and looking back at my mom with resentment, feeling the pain of rejection without understanding why.  I became so jealous that I refused to come near her for a long time.


Each of us have our lists of priorities.  I understand that.  Each of us shift our priorities depending on changes in circumstances.  I understand that too.  And sometimes, the lap, that was once our favorite place in the world, can no longer accommodate us, because something else -- or someone else -- now occupies it.  And rightfully so.  But it hurts anyway.

There's no room at the inn.  There's no room on a mother's lap.  There's no room in a lover's daily life.

Six

Six years in Second Life

60,000+ items in my inventory (And lots of them are boxed!)

336 avatars in my friends list

36,000+ in my L$ balance

The past six years have certainly been the most intense and most interesting part of my life.  The past six years have changed my life.  My world has expanded exponentially in more ways than one.

I've hidden my virtual life from the public during the first four years or so for fear of being judged.  But now, I stand vulnerable and exposed to the world through my book.

Where I'll be another six years from now, who knows.  But I'm pretty sure I'll still be living in a virtual world somewhere.



In other news, ...

I just released the first episode of the new talk show "Talk, Like Dim Sum" which is based on the book.

It felt like I have been guided throughout this project.  Even though it wasn't easy, it felt as though there were an unseen hand helping me get this done in such a short time, from conception of the idea to the release of the first episode.

My brain is too tired now, but soon I'll have time to sit down and examine how things just fell into place.



Meanwhile, ...

Wolfgang has been on vacation for a few weeks now, so I haven't seen him inworld.  His internet connection is so bad, that even Radegast crashes.  He emails me when he can.  And I'm experiencing a different side of him.  He's more lighthearted than I originally thought.  He makes more jokes.  He is more playful.

Maybe it's because, when I usually meet with him, he's at work so he is distracted and more serious.  Now that he's on vacation, he's more relaxed and that affects his interactions with me.

Because he's gone, I get more work done during the early morning hours which is when I usually meet with him.

And I also get more time to spend with Rapido, who is usually in during the early mornings.  Although, he is usually already dancing with someone else by the time I log in.

We have new alts but we've never really spent time to fix them up.  Mine has one outfit.  The same one she was born with.  :D  But he wants her to be chubby so I have to figure out what outfits work with a chubby shape.  (I already have that problem in real life, why do I have to have the same problem in SL?!?)

Meanwhile, Impy and I have a little crisis.  His RL leaves him with no time to come into SL anymore.  Even his emails are a lot fewer than usual.  I thought I was losing him.  I was panicking.  Lack of time is the most common reason my lovers leave SL.  I saw the same thing happening again.  But he assures me it's not the case.  He thinks that the crisis will pass and that he'll be able to come in more often again.

To be honest, I don't know.  I've seen this happen too many times.  When push comes to shove, I fall off my lovers' priority lists.  And I understand.  On the other hand, the circumstances of how I met Impy was strangely synchronous that it feels like this relationship is meant to be something more than a passing romance.  That's why I don't know.  Meanwhile, I am grateful for each day.  Each email.  Each typed kiss.  Each imagined touch.

I've been through this many times before.  It still isn't easy.