Wolfgang#3: first because you have some love for me, and would be supposed to love me [through] her
Wolfgang#3: ah you wait [for a] second lol
Alt#27: You said "first"! So I expect there's more.
Wolfgang#3: second because i was sure you d like my gentle and soft parts
Wolfgang#3: third because you like rp too
Wolfgang#3: 4th because a female is always in competition ... with another, and would not have been like that with me as i m not a female
Wolfgang#3: 5th because you like aesthetic as much as me
Wolfgang#3: 6th because you like explore things, and parallel behaviours that only sl [allow us to] do
Wolfgang#3: 7th to enjoy my nature [appeased]
Wolfgang#3: 8th because all the other numbers could let you be in love with her [as with Wolfgang#3]
Wolfgang#3: i probably forget a few other reasons lol
We had been having this discussion for days. At one point, he had an epiphany about how differently we react to our relationship. Because I love him, I wanted Wolfgang#3 only to myself and not share him. Because he loves me (of course, he still didn't explicitly say so), he wanted to share Alt#27 with his other alts.
He had one specific female alt in mind. And he wanted to share Alt#27 with her.
He had never done this type of relationship with another. He had a sub as that female alt, but it wasn't satisfying to him. He never had a female-female relationship where both are equals, and that's what he wants to experience.
Finally (and reluctantly), I agreed ... but on my own terms. I didn't want to lose the exclusivity between Wolfgang#3 and Alt#27. And I wasn't comfortable with that particular female alt because there's an uncomfortable "history" between us during our old RP. Besides, there was still that risk that his stalker would discover us.
So I suggested using entirely new alts. So, Alt#32 and Wolfgang#6 were born.
I must say that his general demeanor through this alt is much more tender, sweeter, less restrictive. I took the lead in this relationship, mostly because we were fixing up our avatars and shopping as a female was my domain.
But, it's only been a few days, and we've already had a big fight. I couldn't relate to him through his alt. It felt as though I was conversing with the RL him in IM while some female bot was cuddling with me.
We were in the middle of a seduction the day of that fight. At some point during that seduction, an old issue came up and I stopped. He was disappointed. I became quiet and he continued to explain, as I'm sure he sensed me distancing myself. But his continued explanations felt more like an incessant attack. So I blurted out that I hated Wolfgang#6.
He was hurt. She represented his more tender inner self, and he felt that I rejected that part of him. But, to me, she wasn't him at all; she was competition. Because he created her, I saw her as his ideal of what a woman should be. We have very different styles. I even told him that she (his alt) looked like a sophisticated and cultured cosmopolitan woman, while my alt looked like an earthy California hippie love child.
Anyway, when I felt that I disappointed him, I blamed it on "her". But I felt sorry after I realized I was bringing up my own childhood issues -- the sibling rivalries with my sisters, the sense of not being good enough because I was being compared with them.
And I also realized why these issues are coming up with him. I had been (and now am) in situations with him where I really didn't know what to do or how to behave, because I was new to those situations. First, BDSM and then this. So, my brain brings up situations from my past that were similar in one sense or another to give me some context. And the psychological issues also come with those memories.
In our past arguments, he would respond with anger. He even admitted that anger was the only emotion he expressed. But this time, he expressed deep sadness. That in itself melted my heart, so I stopped the fight and apologized.
So we reconciled that same day and, somehow, we feel so much closer faster than ever. He had made himself vulnerable to me, and because of that, I feel more protective over him.
I never thought I'd be comfortable with this. I thought it would just be a short experiment and we'd go back to the way we were. Just a few days ago, I'm pretty sure I felt exactly what little boys felt about kissing little girls, like "Ewwwwww! She has cooties!" And, yet, in the past 24 hours, we had made love twice. And we rarely made love before.
I told him that I won't do this with anyone else. He said he wouldn't either. It wasn't my nature and it wasn't his. So this relationship is something unique to each of us and to both of us.
He was surprised that I actually enjoyed the lovemaking. So was I. But it wasn't because his avatar is a female. I still try to suppress that "ewww" feeling. But I can RP the lovemaking well because I know how I want to be made love to, so I simply describe that. And most importantly, it's because I know it's ultimately him in the back end.
It was something I myself told him that made me realize why my perspective changed. I said, "I will love you in any form you take. Even if it takes me a while to learn how to."
If he chose a dragon avatar or a furry or a tiny or an elf or a drow or a minotaur, it wouldn't be so hard to love him that way. So why then is it so hard to love him as a human female? Am I really the type of person who is so stuck on societal prejudices and stereotypes, even with someone I love?
I am grateful he asked for this. I am getting a better sense of his inner world through this new relationship. But we're not giving up the old one. Now, it feels like this new "relationship" with these new alts is just one subset of our relationship, like a small bubble inside a bigger bubble.
And if this is the only door to his soul, then I'm gladly walking in.