True power

"Are you ready to submit?" he had been asking for the past week, each time he pinged me. My answer was always, "Never." Well, actually, I tried to vary my response, but the gist was the same. He even bought me a collar last Friday, and I said that I hope he could get his money back. And, since then, his question changed to "Ready for your collar?"

He wanted me to yield to his power. What power? For the same reason that bullying is a sign of fear and arrogance is a sign of insecurity, subjugating another is a sign of weakness. His power is illusory; he's at the mercy of his submissive. No submissive, no power. If he had true power, he wouldn't need anyone to submit to him.

In traditional marriages, a wife submits to her husband's will. But he is committed to care for her well-being. Why on earth would I submit to the will of a perfect stranger who doesn't love me and therefore couldn't care less about my well-being? That would be utterly stupid. Would a CEO give up control of the company to anybody who walks in from the street and says, "I want to take over your company"? No. So why does he expect me to submit to him?

I understand roleplaying. I've roleplayed being a dom and being a sub with other lovers as a sexual scenario. But he didn't mean roleplay.

His persistence reached its limit today and he finally gave up. I wished him well and he removed me from his friends list.

I'm not entirely against submitting. But I will submit only to one who has true power, great wisdom, and a deep love for me. Until then, I live my own life, thank you very much.

Stronger medicine

I met him at Frank's. He saw me standing alone upstairs on the balcony, the only one to notice me that night. I had checked out his profile before he pinged me. His About was intriguing, but something in his Picks was disappointing -- he is into BDSM. Firmly.

I respect people's lifestyle choices, but I have always known that BDSM and Gor are not for me. I don't make a good submissive nor a good mistress. Nor do I want to. I am much too independent.

He asked for a dance and I agreed anyway. It was just a dance after all. He himself figured out that I'm "independent and strong" and yet he wanted me to submit to him. After I said I was certain that it wasn't what I needed, he stood up. He said that he misread me and that I had steep walls. Then he said goodnight. He went off to dance with someone else, while I continued to check out other profiles. A few minutes later, he IM'd me again, inviting me to his home for a dance.

I saw him again the next day and the next. Setting boundaries, arguing about them, defining ourselves. I told him I will never be his sub, nor his dom. He agreed that he will not try to control me, although he tries anyway. At the same time, he fights off my attempts to control him. I have not said "no" to anyone in SL as many times as I have to him in those two days.

I told him I don't need just another sexual lover; I told him I needed an emotional lover. He said he wanted me and he wanted to be my lover, sexually, emotionally, and intellectually. He said it in voice, while he was pleasuring me.

I don't know where this would end up or how long it would last. We're both still fighting over the reins. He wants to take my power; I think he had given his up to me and he doesn't realize it. I push him away and he hangs on. He claims he's not hanging on, that it is my strength that attracts him. Regardless, his persistence impresses me.

When I was chatting with mfpwtff about my last lover, he joked that I need someone who's "strong willed too". I laughed. But he might be right.

But maybe not the last lover; his will is no match to mine. Maybe I need stronger medicine. Like this new one.

Condolences to the bride

It was difficult enough to stand there as his best man as he pledged his love to another woman. But he twisted the proverbial knife when he dedicated a song at the reception to his new bride, telling her in public chat that it was their love song. It was the same song he dedicated to me just a week ago because he said it was how he saw me.

It was just a song after all, but it had meaning to me. It was as though a gift I treasured was snatched away and given to another. There are millions of love songs in this world. Why did he have to give her that song? What he did was a pure act of sadism.

Most of my past lovers have remained friends. Good friends, in fact, both in SL and irl, because they truly care about my well-being. He won't be. Because he doesn't.

I have a tab in my Picks titled "Leave me be...". I added a new paragraph at the end of it.

... if you think SL is a game, because it isn't to me and my heart is not a plaything.

... if you don't want drama, because drama arises from strong emotions and, when I love, there *are* strong emotions.

... if all you see is the beauty of my avatar, because my avatar is merely a product of my creativity. Would you claim you loved me if you fell in love with a piece of furniture I created?

... if I have to fight for your affections, because love should be a willing coming-together of two souls, not a chasing-after. If I have to fight for you, you're not worth fighting for.

My condolences to the bride.