I was browsing back through old emails and chat logs, searching for clues where we got off-track, when we started arguing, when I started being unhappy.
Then I found the last email with our private roleplay. He had sent the last response to that roleplay on May 6, but I didn't continue with the RP because the book had just been released so I had to focus on that. And, besides, the RP was making me nervous. It was coming up to a certain climax.
Then I had an idea.
This morning, before I went to bed, I replied to that email and continued the RP. When I woke up this afternoon, he still hadn't replied. He's probably still angry.
I think he'll argue against continuing the RP. For one, we already gave up the D/s relationship and, in that RP, we are dom and sub. Continuing that RP means we would go back to that kind of relationship. And we left it because it wasn't comfortable for me. And he refuses to do anything that makes me uncomfortable.
But, in a sense, rewinding back to that time and to that relationship would give us breathing room until we figure out a more permanent solution. And there are benefits to it.
1. Doing an RP is better than not communicating at all. At least we stay in touch.
2. Roleplaying opens up a way to express emotions indirectly and in a less threatening environment. Our RP characters become another mask. And, often, masks make it easier for us to express our inner selves.
3. A sub doesn't argue. A sub can recommend, but the final decision belongs to the dom. There won't be any power struggles. At least, not during the RP.
4. When we switched from a D/s relationship to a normal relationship, he said that he felt as though he lost something. He claims that without the D/s relationship, he becomes just another of my lovers. By rewinding, I give him back what he thinks he lost.
Sure, I can try to change him instead. But I've learned that you really can't change anybody, except yourself.
Sure, I can just walk away. I can handle my own heartaches; I've had so many of them. But if my leaving gives him pain, I cannot go. His happiness is important to me.
So, I guess, on more than one level, I am surrendering to him ... again.