Last night (or early this morning) was the first time we talked about it. It was already past his time to head out for lunch, but we were still at an impasse. We were repeating the same things we said before my timeout week. I could feel my own anger and frustration starting to rise again. I asked him if he was having a long lunch or a short one. He said it would be a short one, and that was the last thing he said before he suddenly logged out.
He didn't log back in right away, so I figured he decided to go to lunch after crashing. I thought he'd be back in about an hour. So I browsed some freebie blogs and went to go to a shop that had a hunt going on. While waiting for things to rez, I decided to brush my teeth and wash up to get ready for bed. If we were still at an impasse, it was likely going to be a short conversation.
A lot of things went through my head. Was there really no solution to this? He turned down the only solution I had in mind, which was to go back to the BDSM relationship.
It was a series of events that changed our relationship:
1. One of his subs became jealous that my name was on his profile. And my name was the only one that was ever on his profile.
2. Therefore, he removed my name from his profile to solve that issue.
3. Therefore, I became upset because it felt like I lost something, something more than his "protection" (in BDSM terms).
4. Therefore, I again asked him to create an alt just for me. But he didn't agree right away, which I took as a refusal. But he eventually created the alt, with a "limitation" about being unable to project into the new alt.
5. Only a short time after he started using the new alt, he released me, even though I was reluctant. And he said that he felt he lost something, but he refused to do anything that I didn't enjoy.
When I got back to my computer, he had tp'd me back to where we were. (I still haven't picked up that freebie I wanted to hunt for.) His building lost power, and that's why he left so abruptly.
So, we continued our conversation. Just before he lost power, we were talking about our issues with sex. I had always thought that he didn't want sex, just the sensuality, because he didn't like the way he felt after sex. As we kept talking, I realized that it was because he usually couldn't have sex because he could easily be interrupted irl. I also understand why he gave me a different reason in the past. After all, we didn't know each other well in the beginning. I understood the "I cannot" much better than the "I don't want" or "I prefer not." So we agreed that I won't expect sex even if we do "sensual" things. But if he has the opportunity, he would give me a signal to let me know that there's a chance it would be more than "sensual" that day.
It's all symbols
We again discussed the issue of him claiming me. When we talked about BDSM, he asked what I liked about it and I said that I liked the sense that he was claiming me as his. And we talked about what indicates a claim.
The collar and leash was what we had because D/s was the relationship that we started with. Having my name in his profile was also a way of claiming me. Partnering (as Impy had chosen) was another way of claiming me.
To Wolfgang, the collar and leash were the most powerful symbols of possession. But I didn't quite understand why.
I mean I understand why that is true for BDSM people. Those symbols have acquired a meaning based on their use by so many people for a long time. It's like words in the dictionary. A new word goes into the dictionary because it has been accepted by the public to mean something specific. The society had "agreed" on the meaning and symbolism of that word. It's the same with the collar and leash in the BDSM community.
However, Wolfgang prides himself in being individualistic. He is not the type of person who would go with the crowd. And he even says that he's not really a BDSM type either. It was just something different to try for fun. So it didn't make sense that he would think that the collar and leash were powerful symbols.
I suggested that we come up with our own symbols and assign meaning to those symbols. After all, we were both very independent people. Why would we have to use symbols that the rest of the world have defined? And, besides, with new symbols, there would be no negative connotations that would affect me emotionally and psychologically.
I realized that even his alt is a symbol. In fact, everything in this world and in the real world are symbols. (That's another book idea right there.) Anything that we attach meaning to is a symbol.
Adding the "h"
He asked what we should do. I said we could stay the way we are until we come up with an idea. He reiterated that he was fine the way we were without BDSM. Then he joked...
[2012/07/23 05:12:42]But the idea of a symbol gaining a different meaning for me made him more open to trying it again, in case there's a possibility that I would associate the collar and leash with the concept of him claiming me, which I like, as opposed to associating them with oppression, which I don't like.
Wolfgang#3: ((and you look damn sexy leashed ;) ))
Alt#27: Then leash me!
Wolfgang#3: but you don't like that !
Alt#27: Will you fuck me if you leash me?
Wolfgang#3: leash is not necessary to fuck by luck lol
Alt#27: okay, here's what I'm saying....
Alt#27: If you make love to me each time you leash me, I will associate the leash with pleasure.
Alt#27: Then the meaning of that symbol changes.
Alt#27: For me.
Alt#27: And it's a very concrete signal that means "yes, today, we can fuck."
Wolfgang#3: leash claim you, it is not a message of fuck lol
He said that it was my decision what to do next with us, "i just want that you are happy with what we do." I was surprised. And awed. He's a dom by nature, but he was explicitly giving me the decision-making power.
When I thanked him, he said that, when he released me, it was essentially my decision too. He knew that the only reason I didn't want to be released was because I was afraid to lose "us." And to him, that was a very wrong reason to stay in BDSM.
We both know that there's no guarantee that it would be better this time around, so we agreed to try it for two weeks then we'll discuss it again. Then I made the collar visible again, and he re-leashed me.
Right then and there, something changed between us and in each of us. And he noticed it too.
The power of little things
I realized that we both had already associated a different meaning to the collar and leash. But we had to "lose" the symbols, in order to see the meaning. Like we need darkness to define light.
The reason we didn't see it before is because those symbols gained their new meaning during roleplay. It was the night when we did our first "live" roleplay after weeks of RP in email only. It was the night my character as a sub "surrendered" to his character as a dom after he "caught" me. Even though it was just roleplay, we both felt very strong emotions and I remember thinking that it felt like a wedding. Later, I remarked that the collar and leash bound us together like wedding rings, because even the leash ended in a "ring" around his hand, so he was as bound to me as I was to him. Of course, at the time, he insisted it was different, even though he later called the leash "the string of our love" during roleplay.
So when he released me, it also felt like a divorce. As he said, he gave me my "freedom" in more than one sense of the word.
Wolfgang#3: that s funny how much 2 little things can make you so more desirable
Alt#27: The leash and the collar?
Alt#27: It's funny that the same two things make me feel closer to you.
Wolfgang#3: that is more understandable for me as it link us materially
Alt#27: For me, it's because of that night.
Wolfgang#3: the link was cut, and it appears again, symbol of it
Wolfgang#3: so it leads us to feel closer
Alt#27: /me nods.
Alt#27: Because of a meaning that we previously attached to it.
Wolfgang#3: power of little things