"i dont want to go very deep in conversation now...but do you know that I really feel something deep for you??"
Impy and I were talking about keyboards and non-English characters. Then he said that. Out of the blue.
Four months ago, he left. I waited. He stayed away. I packed. He returned, but he couldn't promise anything. I thought what we had in the past would remain in the past. He said that he viewed me as "a close friend from across the sea." I took his word "friend" to mean "platonic."
Because he logged in as his primary alt most of the time, I thought it was a confirmation that he really didn't want that kind of relationship anymore. Not only because he didn't have time, as he had said, but also because he really didn't feel that way anymore, as I had assumed.
I've gotten used to imbalanced relationships. Imbalanced in terms of level of anonymity, in terms of commitment, in terms of depth of emotion. So, I coped. He remained in my life and that was enough. I had stopped hoping for anything more than platonic, although I still consider him a lover.
But, as with past lovers, I've packed away the deep emotions and left only the "safe" ones visible -- the light emotions, the fun emotions, the noncommittal emotions. I gave him his space. I avoided being too clingy.
So when he said that today, I felt a soft punch on my chest. But my mind refused to believe.
"No, my love, I don't know."