My MAMJJ love

Month-ends make me nervous. Well, you know my history. But, just because I didn't have a lover these past five months, it doesn't mean I didn't fall in love. In fact, I did. Deeply.

Perhaps because it wasn't officially a romantic affair that it lasted this long. It was loving, it was tender, it was sweet, it was intimate. But it wasn't sexual. It was more than a friendship, but not quite a romance. Although I loved him as though it were. Perhaps he was, in fact, Mr. March-April-May-June-July. Perhaps he was the real reason why I could not be with any other man.

I panicked when I thought I was "about to lose another friend to real life." I gave up my anonymity to regain his trust and his friendship. I felt intense jealousies well up inside me even as reminded myself that I had no right to feel that way. But I stayed. The next time I was hurt again, I tried to squash the romantic emotion. I failed. Finally, I tried to seduce him, in spite of the cricket.

Thankfully, he was strong enough for both of us during my moment of weakness. My soul is saved, but my heart is not. Not this piece of gravel.

I had no fool for a lover; *I* was the fool.

Trust withdrawn

If you realized that an entry from a few days ago is now missing, yes, I intentionally deleted it, at the request of the person I had quoted in it. He gave me his permission to quote him prior to me writing the blog. But, today, he asked that his name be removed. I figured I'd do him a favor and just delete the entire entry, since my limerick describes him specifically anyway.

Very rarely have I had a falling out with anybody in all my Second Life. Besides griefers, people generally respect my wishes, my work, and my emotions.

This blog is not a rambling of the mundane things I do each day. It is a revelation of who I am and a journal of my evolution. It is a reflection of the wisdom I am gaining as I go through my Second Life. And I am grateful that this blog occasionally touches and inspires some of my readers, even if all I do is show a different perspective of a universal situation.

But if someone is so "inspired" that he would use the same original metaphors (as in my "Heart Gravel" entry) to say the same things, -- not by properly quoting me but in a different form (like a poem), -- am I not justified in distrusting him? And yet *he* is offended that I no longer trust him.

Trust is not a right. Trust is earned. It cannot be bribed by saying, "I trust you; therefore, you must trust me."

In a world where we know very little about the people we deal with, we suspend distrust to allow a connection to happen. But when we realize that the person does not have our interests at heart, when they insist on having their way, then we withdraw the trust, like a turtle pulling back into its shell. It is only natural. It's a survival instinct.

I Have Killed Her

I have killed her.

I have crushed her in my hand
to avenge the deep cuts of her thorns.

Deep red passion spill out of my veins and drip over her bruised petals.
Dark red bruises creasing dark red velvet.

I have killed her
as I touched her fair sister to my lips,
inhaling the fragrance of golden tenderness.

It will have to suffice.

Hear a reading of this poem at


Have you ever had moments when you'd hear a song or you'd smell a scent or you'd see a certain sky color, and you'd be so homesick? But the problem was that you count off the places you've ever lived in and the places you've ever visited, but you're not homesick for any of them. Instead, you're homesick for a place that only exists in your mind. Maybe you dreamt it one night, maybe your imagination created it while you were reading a book, maybe you saw a glimpse of it in a movie or a painting. However your mind created that place, it exists in your head and you're homesick for it.

If you're lucky, you could reread the book and live in that universe again. Or you can watch the movie over and over. Or stare at the painting for hours on end. If you're not so lucky,... Well, let's just hope you're a great builder. ;-)

So I pity the people who never discovered the joy of virtual reality, of bringing worlds into existence. Worlds that were, until then, locked up inside someone's head.

I pity the people who still haven't experienced walking into a dream while fully awake.

I pity the people who hang on tight to their narrow definition of "reality" and so miss out on out-of-this-world experiences.

If you've discovered Second Life and virtual worlds and realized the potential immensity of this reality, count yourself lucky.