Wishes of future

Wolfgang and I had been arguing again.  It was mostly because of my stress lately.

First, Rapido was admitted to a hospital because of a heart attack.  Two days later, my mom was admitted to a hospital because her heart stopped beating.  They had to install a pacemaker on her.  My sister wanted me to come home to help out.  I decided it was time to go home for good. So, I'm in the middle of finishing up commitments, planning the move, and looking for a job in California.

Wolfgang senses the stress because I'm touchy and he's normally touchy anyway.  So we argued.  Even with our F-F pair.  The last one stretched for three days and ended yesterday.  It's not that we argued for three days; it's just that the feeling lasted for two additional days.

He doesn't promise to keep the friendship if we ever break up.  So I proposed that we downgrade our relationship to a friendship now before we have an argument that is so explosive that he'd never speak to me again.

My proposal upset him even more.  He knows I rarely have time for friends, so, from his perspective, it's the same thing.  He was feeling rejected and the argument continued.  I had to explain that I was actually trying to keep him in my life, but he doesn't see it that way.

On the second day, we were both calmer but still melancholy.  I told him that, because of what I'm going through in real life, I needed to be held and I needed his protection, his support, and his maleness.  But I was afraid to ask for our M-F pair because he might construe it as rejecting our F-F pair.  He agreed that he probably would have, but he said I could ask anyway.

We had already decided that we would meet as our M-F pair on Thursdays, because the last time we did, it felt like we were strangers again.  So we met as our M-F pair this morning and it feels warmer and more comforting.  We started to talk about our RPs and about doing a recurring RP for each of our pairs, with occasional short RPs with different scenarios.
Wolfgang#3: i like think about projects
Alt#27: projects?
Wolfgang#3: yes like main rp, it shows some future wish
Alt#27: Future wish for what?
Wolfgang#3: wishes of future
Alt#27: a future together, you mean?
Wolfgang#3: build some future
Wolfgang#3: yes, not with my ponytail
So, that settles it.... We're building a future with him and me.  Not him and his ponytail.

/me shakes her head and mumbles, "Smart ass...."  :D

7 days

It's amazing how much could happen in a week! This will be a long post so I'll split it into sections.

"you are mine"

Rapido and I were talking about the sexual roleplay scenarios that we've been doing. We've been doing multiples lately with strangers in the places where we take our alts. And, out of the blue, he asked me if my other lover enjoyed RP. I replied that I actually met him (Wolfgang) in an RP sim. Then Rapido asked if he offered me to other men and if I would like a threesome with both of them. I said that I don't think Wolfgang would like that. First, he prefers to share me with other women, not men. And second, even though he's aware that I have other lovers, I sense some jealousy when I mention them.

When I reiterated that Rapido has Alt#31 and Wolfgang has Alt#27, he said that I was his "slut". I was logged in as Opal, so I thought that he was claiming Opal. After all, he met me as Opal and Opal was his lover two years ago. But he replied, "you are mine ... all ... opal ... lea ... [Alt#31] ... and all".

The fact that he mentioned even my real life nickname took me aback. If he knew the names of my other alts, he probably would have mentioned them too. All I could say was "Querido! You have to share!"

As expected, Wolfgang said no to a threesome with Rapido. And he had already been trying to claim Opal and my sleeping alts even before Rapido said that. Just today, he confirmed that he is "quite possessive" with regards to Alt#32 and Alt#27. Then he added, "i m quite [possessive] with opal but she doesn't know ... ;) ... and with some [alts] i don't know ... ((meaning i don't remember the names))".

At least neither of them is forcing me to choose. After all, they both know how I do things in terms of relationships.

"i prefer he is your lover than another"

Before this femme-femme relationship, I saw Wolfgang maybe four times a week -- a few hours for three days and only an hour or so on Fridays. But even while we were negotiating/arguing about whether to start this F-F relationship, he had started to see me more often and for longer hours, even during days when I don't usually see him.

And the hours are getting longer and longer. Now, I usually see him twice a day. I'm with him during his entire workday. (It's a good thing he works for himself.) And often, I see him for a short while in the evening before he goes to bed. And if he couldn't be on the computer, there would be at least 15 emails back and forth during the day.

I hardly see Rapido anymore.

At one point, I thought that Rapido was upset with me because he didn't say good morning to me last weekend, as he usually did on Sunday mornings. I mentioned it to Wolfgang and he advised me to try to patch it up with Rapido. As he said, he didn't want me to have a desert around him.

Then during that conversation, he said, "selfishy.... i prefer he is your lover than another". I asked why. He replied, "because he takes less place in your soul than another could, i think ... that let me more place for my selfish person".

I laughed. Then I said, "You know, ... I am aware that if Impy didn't disappear, you and I would not have this."

He thought that wasn't a nice thing for me to say, but he misunderstood. I explained that he brought up the idea of F-F and being more involved after he found out that Impy had disappeared. He asked, "you think if he was still here i wouldn't go forward? wouldn't have advanced?" I said, "We would have stayed the same as before."

His reply was longer. "because [of] you ... i didn't felt shadow on me ... but you affect me ... so, i felt your love for him ... and so, maybe you are right ... it would have forbidden me to share what we do ... and would have keep idea of [female alt] or another alt from you".

He added, "i can't thank something which hurted you ... but i m happy how we are now".

a birthday gift

The sim where we set up our home had been attacked by griefers for a few days. Linden Lab already knew about the problem when I reported it. One day, we both logged in and we were sent to different infohubs because our home sim was offline. Because his alt was fully naked when he logged her out, she was naked when he logged her back in, and several men in that infohub propositioned her while he was looking for clothes to put on.

After I rescued her with a tp to another parcel, he RP'd being shocked. I just laughed and said that, now, he knows what women go through in SL. But he actually had experienced it even with his two other female alts.

A little later, he dressed her in a white mesh cocktail dress that he had just purchased. I said that it was beautiful and joked that she could wear it when we get married. Then the conversation became serious.

I had brought up the idea of partnering when we first created these alts. In my mind, it just made sense, since we created these alts only for each other. But he refused because he didn't like doing "conventional" practices. He preferred that we have symbols of our partnership that are different from symbols that other people used.

Well, needless to say, we argued again.

This time, however, he agreed because he said that, if it makes me happy, it would make him happy. He is aware of the sacrifices I made by going into an F-F relationship even though it really didn't bring me enjoyment. Therefore, in return, he was also making a sacrifice of doing something he doesn't particularly want.

I didn't want it in the spirit of a sacrifice, so I started to withdraw my request. Then he said that, in fact, I'd make him feel bad if I pull back, because it was as though I was rejecting his sacrifice because it wasn't good enough. I got pissed. It was manipulative behavior. But in the course of that conversation, the tables had switched. He wanted the partnership and I didn't. Suddenly, it felt like he was worried he's lose me if we didn't partner.

I told him I'd decide the next day.

I found a similar dress also in white but more like embroidered linen. (It seems to be a popular mesh base.) When he logged her in, we went to a dance in our white dresses and bare feet and flowers in our hair. Then I sent the proposal.
I don't want a sacrifice; I prefer a gift. So, ...
Will you be the best ever birthday gift I receive this year?
a) Yes!
b) Oui! Oui!
c) Yes! Yes! YES!
d) Oui! Oui! Oui! OUI!
e) Absolutely!!!
f) All of the above
He replied with "Yes I wish".

In his five and a half years in SL, he had never had a place to call "home" and he had never partnered. Until now.

During our conversation afterwards, he discovered that I wasn't joking about it being my birthday. And, of course, we started arguing again, because I didn't tell him sooner that my birthday was coming up....

tracker redux

"Oh, I wished to say you something," he said a couple of days ago. "If you wish, I accept I am on your tracker."

I was stunned. We had a big fight about the tracker a long time ago and we never mentioned it again. But suddenly, he brought it up.

It didn't make sense to me to put his alt in my tracker. I know his schedule well by now. And he makes sure I know his availability and he even tells me exactly why he's not available. Before he logs in his alt to be with his sub, he tells me so I would know why he would be distracted.

But, for him, the tracker would be a symbol of exclusivity. He could easily know when I'm logged in anyway, because he could look on the SL website. And he could also map me. But he wanted the tracker and I couldn't understand why.

So I agreed to rewrite it so that both our alts would be tracked. It was only fair that, if I tracked when he logged his alt in, he should also be able to track when I logged my alt in. I also asked if he wanted me to add Opal to that tracker so he would know when I'm available, and he said no. His reason was that, when I logged in Alt#32, he knows that I was logged in only for him. But if Opal was logged it, I could be logged in for work or for Rapido or for someone else. And, besides, it would bother him to know that I'm logged in for someone else.

So, I rewrote the tracker and he gets an email when I log my alt in and I get an email when he logs his alt in. It's not really a matter of trust either, because I wrote the code. I could control when it sent him that email. I still don't see the practical reason for it, but it's a symbol for him. If he knew I logged in as Alt#32, he'd know that I was thinking of him and only him. And that knowledge pleases him. So, there.

packing the past

Since I was in coding mode, I figured I'd finish the script I was writing to detect objects that were around, including the owners, the positions and the rotations, so the objects could be put in rezzers and re-rezzed later. I had told Impy that I would do it for our home, but I never had the time. It wasn't a priority when he was here, and it was emotionally difficult to finish when he left.

But the countdown had ended.

So I finished the script, put together the inventory in a spreadsheet and started sending back the objects, one at a time. I did Opal's objects first, then Alt#24's objects. Then I sent an email to Impy with the spreadsheet first before I started returning his objects.

I didn't expect him to reply. It had been a long time since our last communication. More than a month. If he replied, I figured it would be a quick thank you and that would be the end of it.

He *did* reply. And it was much more than a quick thank you. He started with a heart-felt apology and continued with very sweet and very tender sentiments. I had kept my email as unemotional and matter-of-factly, but his reply brought the emotions back again. When he called me "mahal" in the end of the email, I lost it. I couldn't be impersonal anymore. It was a term of endearment from my own language that he had started to use before he left.

He said he would be back eventually, and he would let me know when he could log in more regularly. I didn't know how to respond to that. I want him to return, but, if and when he does, life would be very, very complicated.

Loving strangers

Last night, I watched the movie "Room in Rome". It's a Spanish-produced movie in English. Two women visiting Rome -- a Spanish mechanical engineer who came to Rome to exhibit her new invention, and a Russian doctoral student whose sister gave her the trip to Rome as a wedding gift. They met at a bar and spent their final night in Rome together. It's a very sensual, romantic, and sexual movie.

There were times when the acting felt contrived, and the blood in the bathtub scene was a bit over the top. But it was a beautiful movie anyway. And the theme song "Loving Strangers" by Jocelyn Pook (Russian Red) is charming.

I think it's the first lesbian movie I've watched. And after watching it, I understood why Wolfgang wanted us to do this scenario. It was more than a sexual roleplay; it was a tender romance that was very different even from his RL relationships because he is an alpha male.

We had been arguing again. I don't even remember how it started. We were just talking about our relationship and how we felt in it. I said that I still feel lost in the new femme-femme relationship. I explained that I know why I'm in the relationship but I don't know why he is. He also wanted me to fall in love with his female avatar's face so that I would feel the urge to kiss her as I see her. I kept insisting that I already feel the urge to kiss her because she is him, and that it has nothing to do with her beauty.

He was touchy. I was touchy. We weren't really listening to each other. We were feeling rejected by each other.

He wanted us to go back to Alt#27 and Wolfgang#3, our M-F pair. So, when we met again, I was waiting there for him. We danced and we talked.

Old issues kept coming up. I realized how deeply he was hurt, simply by the fact that I was uncomfortable with our F-F relationship. I realized that it was as though he had embedded his innermost self, his most vulnerable self in that female alt. And by rejecting her, I was rejecting his soul.

He compared me to a bulldozer going through a glass store, because I am blunt and direct with my words. And suddenly, I remembered Mr. October. I was hurting Wolfgang simply by being who I am, like I did with Mr. October six years ago. My initial urge was to just walk away, but there are more emotional entanglements in this relationship than in my relationship with Mr. October.

Because I met Wolfgang in a BDSM environment, I assumed that he was thick-skinned, that he wasn't easily fazed. He had several relationships and so did I. We were secure in ourselves. He was also emotionally distant and he warned me about not assuming anything about him, based on our RPs. So I chose to simply assume that I was the only one who feels love in this relationship, and that this was just sensual pleasure for him. I refused to assume he felt any affection for me because he never said so, even though he says there are many clues from how he behaves toward me.

I realized how hurt he was when he said that he wanted to destroy Wolfgang#6. This is the man who doesn't even like the idea of my alts being in hibernation because hibernation feels like death to him. I begged him not to destroy her. If he did, I would lose that door to his soul and I may never access it again.

At the end of our dance, he asked if I wanted a cuddle with our F-F pair before I went to bed. I agreed. So we logged into those alts and cuddled and talked, more tenderly this time. As we were saying goodnight, we talked about when we would meet again. He had some RL commitments and I told him to not worry about me. And that set off another argument.

"I don't worry about you," he said, "You are making me angry again... I wish to see you... You are not an obligation."

Then he said, "I have feeling for you... whatever you want to know or think."

I have feeling for you.

That was the closest he had come to saying he loves me. And he said it with frustration because I refuse to acknowledge that he really does or that he is happier with me than with anyone else. As he says, "Or else I not be here."

I'm beginning to realize how very vulnerable he allowed himself to be in this new relationship. I've hurt him twice in less than two weeks. And deeply. But he doesn't blame me, because he views it as a consequence of opening himself up.

At the same time, he also created this new relationship to protect me from himself, from his harshness, his bitterness, his "acid" nature, his armor.

I'm beginning to realize what I really mean to him.