If only...

Kyota just sent out this video link in a notice to her group. It's her new marketing video, titled "Fairy's Dust who heals disappointed love".

Of course, I went and bought the fairy. You never know. Might be true.

/me hangs on to the smallest sliver of hope.

The cricket's thumb

Sometimes, friends remember things I've said that have impacted their lives, even if I don't remember saying them. Sometimes, friends say things that have impacted *my* life, even if they didn't think anything of it. Oftentimes, it takes a while before the impact hits me.

Howard pinged me yesterday after reading my last blog entry. So, I figured I'd get his advice and the conversation got to why a man would hide his virtual affairs from his wife, even though he claims that she doesn't care about him anymore. Howard's response was essentially that the man still loves his wife and still wants to spend his life with her, and he doesn't want to jeopardize that, whether he is aware of it or not.

I had to let Howard go when Lover logged in. I wanted to know where we stood. I had separated Alt #9 from the rest of me and put her to sleep, so that I could be free to be with someone else. Now that there's only him again, the question becomes: Does Alt #9's partnership to his alt also means that Opal is partnered to his main as well? And when he cannot come into SL anymore, do we continue in email?

He said okay about continuing in email, just to appease me. I sensed a reluctance and that's not what I wanted. Certainly, there were logistics issues, but, if he really wanted me, those issues were very minor. He explained that he already lost me, that he "cried [his] ass off over [me]", that he didn't expect the Hitchhiker would release me, and that he's still stunned from that news.

I had a chat with Lora later in the evening, and she kinda confirmed what Howard said, even though I asked her a different question altogether. I think they're both right.

I had a sense that the Hitchhiker coming into my life provided Lover a good reason to make his exit. It eased his guilt for leaving. But when the Hitchhiker exited stage left before he could complete his own exit, he was stuck with me in his hands and now he doesn't know what to do with me.

To be honest, I feel like a hot potato.

Then, today, it hit me. The same words that the Hitchhiker said to me apply just as well with my lover. I need to step aside myself so that Lover could work on his marriage.

And, here, I thought the cricket had been unusually quiet the past three months. Little did I know that he was just waiting right outside the parking lot with his thumb out, hitching a ride.

tgyi, mfpwtff

Shakespearean tragedy, anyone?

These past few days have been overwhelmingly emotional and I'm exhausted. But I feel peace.

The Hitchhiker

On Saturday, I took out my sex alt after a long time. Well, technically, I took her out earlier to do some freebie hunt but gave up before finishing it. But this weekend, I was trawling. I met several men but none stuck, except one with a gentle face and with gentle words in his profile. I pinged him and we went to his home.

We chatted quite a bit and I was stunned that he was laying himself bare emotionally so fast. He was already thinking a year down the road, and we had only met. We spent all night together, chatting, having sex, then chatting some more. He was so sweet, so wonderful, so caring. My broken heart needed a home and he offered one. I figured it was worth a try.

Before midnight, I had made a commitment to be exclusive to him. By the morning, I had introduced him to Opal.

He read my last blog entry and said, "so you pulled out of the parking lot and there I was with my thumb out :)". :D

"I wish I knew"

On Sunday, I received an email from my last affair. He was apologizing for being harsh on me. He explained that he hasn't been dealing with RL well and he took it out on me and other people. And he asked forgiveness. I decided to wait until later in the evening before responding. I had too many things to get done and I was meeting up with the Hitchhiker again.

But, as I was saying goodnight to the Hitchhiker, my last affair sent IMs reiterating his email. I decided to wait until after my goodbyes before responding, but he said "bye" so I quickly responded and told him to wait. When the Hitchhiker logged off, I replied that I wasn't mad at him and that I never saw his behavior as taking anything out on me and we started talking.

It was 11pm SLT.

I told him that I had met someone new, and he said he was happy for me.

I told him how painful the past few weeks had been, especially since that day he rejected me. And that's when we realized we've made wrong assumptions.

He explained that, with all the stresses of his own RL and crises that friends were going through, he hit a point where he couldn't deal with it anymore and, in his words, he "imploded". The day he refused to see me, I assumed he never wanted to see me again. So I said "take care of yourself", which he took to mean *I* never wanted to see *him* again.

I said, "I wish I knew." He said, "me too ... i wish i knew".

I was going to transfer out some things from Alt #9's inventory that night, then I was going to put her to sleep. He said he decided to put his private alt (BF #2) to sleep with #9 too. So we logged into those alts one last time. I was already crying.

We talked about things that was good about our relationship, what we were grateful for. We reminisced about good times. We said things that we wanted to say but never did. Good things. Painful things. Emotional things. We laughed. We cried. We made promises to remain friends and stay in touch. And we kept repeating, "I wish I knew."

Knowing might have bought us only a few more chances to be together, but we regretted that misunderstanding anyway. He still would have to leave SL soon. But every chance to be together was so precious. "I wish I knew."

I saw him log in and out a few times, but he didn't try to contact me. I took that as confirmation of my assumptions, so I didn't try to contact him either. And he never bothered to read my blog so he didn't know how I really felt. "I wish I knew."

He said he had seen me log my sex alt in with an online indicator HUD a couple of days before. And he went to the same jazz club where we first met, hoping to "bump" into me. He didn't ping me because he was afraid I really didn't want to see him anymore. "I wish I knew."

We compared our situation with "Romeo and Juliet". They too had misunderstandings and they both ended up dead. "I wish I knew."

He said, who knows, maybe there would be a next time, so we hung our hopes on that "next time" as we hung on to each other.

An idea

I reminded him of his promise to meet up again on my alt's third rez day. He asked when that was so I opened up the profile window to check. At the same time, I decided to update her profile to reflect that she would be "sleeping". And he updated his alt's profile as well.

Then a bulb lit up.

If my alt was intended for him and his alt was intended only for me, and they were both going to be put to sleep anyway, why not partner them? It would only be symbolic because those alts would be inactive anyway, but what an awesome symbol it would be! He agreed without any hesitation.

I had never partnered before in any of my alts, because I consider partnering in SL to be equivalent to being engaged in real life. He promised himself he would never partner again. And, yet, there we were, getting partnered on the spur of the moment.

When I said I would have to search for a gown in my inventory, he said, "just get naked and keep the boots on." :D So, while he was drafting his proposal, I found a white pair of thigh-high boots in Opal's inventory and sent them over. I also used the Mer Betta Pasithea veils, pearls, and gloves. Thankfully, Lora logged in as I was frantically searching for a bouquet on SLX. She lent me a transferrable bouquet from her inventory.

He logged his main alt back in to be his best man. I logged Opal back in to be my maid-of-honor, but she didn't stay long because I was lagging badly.

I accepted his proposal at 8am, February 23, 2009.

After accepting his proposal, we kissed, took pictures, dismissed his best man (Opal was already gone), and cuddled and talked some more. I asked if he remembered my blog about "Heart Gravel"; he did. Then I said, he gets two -- one now, one later. And he said he'd hold me to that. :D

More cuddling, more pictures, more talk, more reminiscing. Until we were both too tired to keep our eyes open. Then our alts said goodnight and went to sleep.

It was 10:18am SLT.


However, the idea had its consequences, including breaking my word. After the MODA fashion show, I met with the Hitchhiker again as we had planned and I told him what had happened overnight. I asked for his forgiveness and gave him the choice to decide whether to continue the relationship or end it.

His response was very perceptive, very kind, very wise, and very gracious. His own words:
You have a strong tie with this man and you have history with him
your heart is in his hands not mine
I free you from our commitment so that you can bring this love you share to a proper and fitting conclusion
whether it be in parting or in finding a way
I must step aside
And I am going to do so

I know I broke his heart. How badly, I have no idea. But at this point, I could not love him as he deserves to be loved. For his wisdom and his graciousness, he has my gratitude and deep respect.

One more synchronicity

A lot of synchronistic coincidences marked most of the last three months. Not ordinary coincidences either and way too many to be attributed to chance.

Today, one more strange thing happened.

While we were getting ready for the practice run-through for the MODA fashion show, my cellphone rang and I ran off to pick it up. It was my mom. I told her I was busy all night and promised to call her back tomorrow. But wondering if it was some sort of emergency, I asked if she needed anything quick.

She replied, "Oh, nothing, I just had a dream about you last night in a wedding gown...."

Pulling out of the parking lot

A lot has happened in my life the past few months. It's not that I haven't had time to write or that I haven't had anything to write. It's just that the emotions have been too intense and jumbled that I couldn't write.

My recent affair had officially ended a couple of weeks ago for RL reasons. We expected the break up from the start, and the affair went on longer than we thought it would. But for some reason, the separation is much more painful and much more difficult to get over with than my usual short-term relationships. We continued to see each other when he could log in, but, a couple of days ago, he flatly refused to see me.

I understood. Continuing to see each other just prolongs the healing process. Except that the rejection was so damned painful....

I think I've changed. I think the flavor-of-the-month flings are not likely going to happen anymore. I think I'm ready to venture out of the parking lot now and try the side streets at a faster speed.

Everybody, out of the way! Crazy woman driving!

By the way, you might notice that I changed the layout of this blog to a more subdued green. I even changed the title of the blog; I've always wanted to use that pun somewhere. :)

I don't need rescuing, ty.

I was roaming the grid yesterday. *sigh* It's been a long long while since I last went exploring. And this wasn't really for fun. I was looking for new land for Mer Betta -- one with real water. Well, okay, one with *Linden* water.

Anyway, in my explorations, I found this nice secluded little island in a sim owned by Governor Linden. Well, it just *looked* secluded.

While I was replying to an offline IM, a helicopter came by. It was a Search and Rescue helicopter. Or, that's what the pilot's group tag said. I IM'd the pilot and joked that I didn't need rescuing and that I'd send a big SOS if I did. The pilot sent me a link to their group's website and said that they were a non-profit. So, that peaked my interest and started asking if they were a real-life organization.

Long story short, it was a roleplay but he refused to call it that. They "rescue" avatars who were being griefed or who are lost. But they refuse to teleport; they only use vehicles.

After more questions, I found out that he also belongs to another group he calls the "3rd life church", and, again, he refused to call it "roleplay". Apparently, "3rd life church" members aim to separate themselves (the avatars) from their humans, and he said that artificial intelligence is a step towards it. (Pinocchio, anyone? Or even the movie "AI"?) At the end of the conversation, he said he had to send his human to bed. And we said our goodbyes.

Not ten minutes later, here comes a Search and Rescue boat.... *sigh*

Oh, btw, that IM I was responding to was an invitation to a Valentine's Ball for dragons in the Isle of Wyrm, and they wanted to invite mermaids. I think I'll forward the invitation to the Search and Rescue team; the mermaids might need some rescuing from the dragons....