Homesick for no where, no when, no whom

In January 2004, I wrote this in my real-life blog:
Once in a while, I'd yearn for places that I've once called home. But they are no longer there. The physical places are still there, but they are changed somehow. Or perhaps I am changed somehow. Home is not a place; it is the atmosphere of the place, its ambience, its essence. It may even be a character, a way of being, a state of mind. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; home is in the eye of the homesick.

Sometimes, I even miss places that I have never been to. Places that only exist in my mind. Places created when I read a book.


I missed one such place a long time ago. The book was "Legend of Lost Earth" by G. McDonald Wallis. It's one of those pocketbooks that had a second novel in the back. I read it in my late teens from my mom's bookcase. Years later, after I had gotten married and moved a continent away, I started missing that place described in the book, the characters, their emotions, their struggles. There was a hole in my heart for that place. At the time, I couldn't even remember the name of the book so I couldn't ask my mom to send it. Then one time, after I moved back near her, she sorted some books to give away, and this book was on that pile. You can't imagine the joy I had on finding it again! It was like getting reunited with a dear old friend.


I feel that homesickness again.  I've felt it many times before, each time just as strongly.  But it isn't homesickness for the book.  It's not a homesickness for a place.  It's not a homesickness for anyone.  It's not even a homesickness for a time in the past.  It's a homesickness for everything in the past.

A few days ago, I found out that both Spaceport Alpha and Spaceport Bravo, sims of the International Spaceflight Museum, are gone.  I contacted Paradox Olbers to confirm that the sims were really gone. He said they were working on it, but it doesn't look good.

About 80% of the places in Second Life that held memories for me are gone.  About 95% of the people in Second Life that meant something to me are gone.

Maybe it's because I had to let Holstein go yesterday.  He had reconciled with his real-life long-term partner the previous night.

Maybe it's because I'm sifting through old chat logs for the book and remembering past loves.  It's all a blur now.  Memories are blending into each other.

I don't know what I want anymore.  I don't know what place I'm homesick for anymore.  I don't know which lover I'm missing anymore.

The ache I feel is for all of them.  It hurts like hell.

And my heart is weary.