I hate falling in love

I hate falling in love.

I get very insecure.  All my relationship fears resurface when I am vulnerable, like monsters under my bed just waiting for the lights to go out.  I wonder how long he would stick around.  I wonder what every gesture meant.

Because of that, I lose my power.  All of a sudden, I become more submissive.  I defer to him.  Maybe if I gave him what he wanted, he'll stay longer.  My abandonment issues come up.

I told Holstein that I actually prefer to have sex with a man early on in the relationship, because, if that was all he wanted, he'd be gone sooner.  And that meant I didn't have to waste too much time on him.  It meant I wouldn't risk being heartbroken.

We had sex.  We were supposed to meet the next day.  He had to cancel because of a prior commitment.  He said he couldn't come into SL until 4am.  I waited.  Then he said another hour.  I waited for an hour and a half.  I left him a message that I was going to bed.

The next day, he logged out when I logged in.  No responses to the messages I had left the night before.  In the evening, I didn't notice him come in.  When I did, a couple of hours later, I said hi.  No response again and he logged out a few minutes later.

I was hurt.  I figured that was the end of it.  Maybe sex really was all he wanted and he had moved on.  Or maybe his "prior commitment" was with his ex and they decided to get back together and she forbid him to talk to me again.  It didn't matter that he told me he loved me for a long time, since he met me when he was new to SL.  After all, another lover had told me he loved me and later admitted he really didn't.

I assumed he was intentionally avoiding me.  So, I emailed him to release him.  He replied, "If I no longer wanted to see or talk with you, I would say so and not just ignore you."  So, we made up.  I saw him briefly earlier today; we chatted and flirted.  Then he had to go.

I didn't think he'd be back again until 1am or 2am, so I worked on the book.  It was close to midnight when I noticed the time, so I closed down all my apps to take a shower before he logged in.

When I got back to my computer after my shower, I saw an offline message from him: "I came - you left............"  He had logged in about a minute before I logged out for my shower.