How could you lose something you never had? How could you grieve over something you never lost because you never had it in the first place?
After my divorce, I grieved for a lot of things I lost. The love we once had, his companionship, the moments we shared, the intimacy. But I realized that what I grieved more deeply about was the loss of our future, of the dreams we shared, of what could have been.
But when there is no possibility of a future with someone, -- not even a virtual future, -- when there are no dreams to look forward to, when all I have is each present moment, which instantly fades away, what is there to grieve for?
And yet my body shivers, my hands shake, my lips quiver, my tears fall. I grieve. But I don't know what for. Nothing changes after all. I didn't lose anything. I had nothing to lose.
(Yes, dear reader, two blogs in one day. Aren't you lucky! :) )
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Interesting indeed.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you my friend... There is nothing more fulfilling than love in everyone's life. It completes us, gives us dreams, and it makes us.
ReplyDeleteI admire you for your reflections of the past to reveal an understanding and to look toward the future in the most positive and realistic manner.
And what coincidence we shall write about similar topic on the same day! Even if my is kind of an imagined experience prompted by only music! Maybe we are siblings in the 6th sense :)
It is only human to hope, dream, and, eventually, to expect.
ReplyDeleteWhen we build relationships, we create hopes and dreams. As the relationship lasts longer, our minds believe more and more that those hopes and dreams are realistic. Eventually, those hopes and dreams become expectations. Needless to say, when those expectations aren't fulfilled or can't be fulfilled, hearts get broken and people get disappointed.
My point is that there's a real loss - there's something in there that is worth grieving for.
There are ways to make the disappointment less severe. Some I can suggest are:
+ Develop some dreams that relies mostly on your own merits and power, rather than heavily borrowing from others.
+ Don't rely on luck so much as plan your steps.
+ Build trust slowly. Before expecting a new friend to help you, evaluate realistically whether he has the time, ability, motivation, and reliability to meet your expectation.
You're an intelligent woman - you can figure out more on your own.
<3
Anna