Loving strangers

Last night, I watched the movie "Room in Rome". It's a Spanish-produced movie in English. Two women visiting Rome -- a Spanish mechanical engineer who came to Rome to exhibit her new invention, and a Russian doctoral student whose sister gave her the trip to Rome as a wedding gift. They met at a bar and spent their final night in Rome together. It's a very sensual, romantic, and sexual movie.

There were times when the acting felt contrived, and the blood in the bathtub scene was a bit over the top. But it was a beautiful movie anyway. And the theme song "Loving Strangers" by Jocelyn Pook (Russian Red) is charming.

I think it's the first lesbian movie I've watched. And after watching it, I understood why Wolfgang wanted us to do this scenario. It was more than a sexual roleplay; it was a tender romance that was very different even from his RL relationships because he is an alpha male.

We had been arguing again. I don't even remember how it started. We were just talking about our relationship and how we felt in it. I said that I still feel lost in the new femme-femme relationship. I explained that I know why I'm in the relationship but I don't know why he is. He also wanted me to fall in love with his female avatar's face so that I would feel the urge to kiss her as I see her. I kept insisting that I already feel the urge to kiss her because she is him, and that it has nothing to do with her beauty.

He was touchy. I was touchy. We weren't really listening to each other. We were feeling rejected by each other.

He wanted us to go back to Alt#27 and Wolfgang#3, our M-F pair. So, when we met again, I was waiting there for him. We danced and we talked.

Old issues kept coming up. I realized how deeply he was hurt, simply by the fact that I was uncomfortable with our F-F relationship. I realized that it was as though he had embedded his innermost self, his most vulnerable self in that female alt. And by rejecting her, I was rejecting his soul.

He compared me to a bulldozer going through a glass store, because I am blunt and direct with my words. And suddenly, I remembered Mr. October. I was hurting Wolfgang simply by being who I am, like I did with Mr. October six years ago. My initial urge was to just walk away, but there are more emotional entanglements in this relationship than in my relationship with Mr. October.

Because I met Wolfgang in a BDSM environment, I assumed that he was thick-skinned, that he wasn't easily fazed. He had several relationships and so did I. We were secure in ourselves. He was also emotionally distant and he warned me about not assuming anything about him, based on our RPs. So I chose to simply assume that I was the only one who feels love in this relationship, and that this was just sensual pleasure for him. I refused to assume he felt any affection for me because he never said so, even though he says there are many clues from how he behaves toward me.

I realized how hurt he was when he said that he wanted to destroy Wolfgang#6. This is the man who doesn't even like the idea of my alts being in hibernation because hibernation feels like death to him. I begged him not to destroy her. If he did, I would lose that door to his soul and I may never access it again.

At the end of our dance, he asked if I wanted a cuddle with our F-F pair before I went to bed. I agreed. So we logged into those alts and cuddled and talked, more tenderly this time. As we were saying goodnight, we talked about when we would meet again. He had some RL commitments and I told him to not worry about me. And that set off another argument.

"I don't worry about you," he said, "You are making me angry again... I wish to see you... You are not an obligation."

Then he said, "I have feeling for you... whatever you want to know or think."

I have feeling for you.

That was the closest he had come to saying he loves me. And he said it with frustration because I refuse to acknowledge that he really does or that he is happier with me than with anyone else. As he says, "Or else I not be here."

I'm beginning to realize how very vulnerable he allowed himself to be in this new relationship. I've hurt him twice in less than two weeks. And deeply. But he doesn't blame me, because he views it as a consequence of opening himself up.

At the same time, he also created this new relationship to protect me from himself, from his harshness, his bitterness, his "acid" nature, his armor.

I'm beginning to realize what I really mean to him.