Fairy tales

Each of us, deep in our psyches, have our personal fairy tale story. Maybe we dream of the prince who rescues us from dragons or evil stepmothers or a sleeping spell. Or even an ordinary man who saves us from everyday loneliness.

Well, princes have their fairy tales too. They dream of beautiful princesses or pretty damsels in distress or mysterious gypsies or shimmying bellydancers. Or even an ordinary woman who saves them from everyday loneliness.

Maybe, all we're looking for -- when we walk into dance halls and meeting places -- is someone to play the part of that prince or that princess.

And the details don't matter. One can easily change one's avatar after all to match the other person's ideal. Just act the part and everything will be fine. And if you find one who can't act the part, find another.

We're nothing but replaceable actors in a world of fairy tales.

Maybe love is an aspect of how well someone fits into our personal fairy tale. Maybe love doesn't really exist outside a fairy tale.

I didn't fit as the heroine in his fairy tale. He found one who does. He marries her on Wednesday. With HiHo to stand by his side as his best man. Supporting actor.

Surprisingly, I feel at peace. In pain, but at peace. I wanted more than a fairy tale after all.

Back to the abbey

I don't understand him.

There are missing pieces to the puzzle and I understand that they are not for me to see. But because the picture is incomplete, I do not trust what I see.

But he held on.... Amidst my storms, he held on.

I gave him his freedom back and reclaimed mine, yet he stays. I'm pretty sure that, eventually, he'll fade away. After he has sated his curiosity about me, he'll fade away. We'll see.

I don't trust him as a lover. Even though we never spoke of it, I sense that he has that same big gaping ravenous maw of emotional need inside him. And one woman could never fill it, just as one man could never fill mine, though he came pretty close.

Maybe that's what terrifies me. To entrust my heart to one man. To lose control and surrender. And when a lover comes along, I have to be absolutely sure. Therefore, the storms.

So he remains in my life, as he wishes. And as a friend, as I wish. With non-exclusive privileges, as we both wish.

If nothing else, I may have gained a true friend for life.

"And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away"
- "February Song", Josh Groban

(The title is a reference to that part of the story in "Sound of Music" when Maria returns to the abbey where she feels safe. I'm just sticking to the same metaphor I started with this week.)

48 hours

Is it possible to fall in love with someone within a 48-hour period? And you know it's not infatuation and it's not hormones. It doesn't feel rushed, it doesn't feel forced, and it doesn't feel like roleplay.

The more I get to know him, the deeper I fall. It feels like I've loved him for a lifetime.

I had doubts about the emotions. I still have doubts about the relationship working out. I'm pragmatic. Been there, done that too many times. But, last night, I realized that it would really hurt a lot when it comes time to give him up.

When I committed to be exclusive to him for 30 days on the first night we met, it was a logical decision. This morning, it became an emotional commitment.

Today, he sent me this link to YouTube and asked me to listen. He said that this is how he sees me.

I am overwhelmed.

Today, the Captain responded to my email and he gave me his blessings. I was also able to reach another young lover, who said he hated me after he heard the news. But he forgave me in the end, after he realized that what I found is much more than just a sexual arrangement. I still have two good friends and I am very grateful for that.

When I woke up today, this song was playing in my head:

"He came into my life and made the living fine... He fills my heart...."

He fills my heart. I am overflowing.

Something good

I couldn't focus and I'd been struggling with a script that should have been done in a matter of hours, if only I could finally decide what I wanted it to do.

And I was antsy. I had that feeling that I was missing out on something important. The feeling that I had to get out of my workshop. But where to go? It was the middle of the night, or actually early in the morning.

I tp'd over to the two events that were going on. Neither felt right. I still had that feeling, so I went home, changed, and went to Frank's. I took a while checking out profiles and finally IM'd someone who turned out to not be interested at all. He was working and was just there to listen to music. When I asked if he cared to dance, his reply was that he doesn't roleplay. He considered dancing in SL as roleplaying. *sigh* I probably should have asked him if he cared to right-click on a dance poseball and choose "Sit".

After checking out a few more profiles, I decided to try Sweethearts Jazz. I hadn't been there for ages and there have been changes in the layout. People still just stand around milling. Still, it took a long time before I heard the first ding-ding. He was a software developer and the conversation went from technology to business inside SL. I was wondering when he would ask me to dance.

During that conversation, I got two more ding-dings. One was impressed with my avatar and was asking about my favorite places in SL. The other was impressed with my profile. So, there I was juggling three very different conversations. Then a woman walked over and stood in front of the software developer and he was quiet for several minutes.

During that silence, the one who was impressed with my avatar asked if I would take him to Chakryn Forest (after he asked what's there). I declined and said that I was in the middle of several IMs. He thanked me and that was that. Meanwhile, the one who was impressed with my profile asked me for a dance.

Out of courtesy, I told the software developer that I had been asked to dance. He graciously wished me well.

My dance partner led me to a spot close to the water, then we hopped on poseballs that he summoned from the Intan.

The conversation would have been just another typical conversation, except that, by the time we said goodbye, we were officially in an exclusive romantic relationship.

I proposed the 30-day limit like I've done before, he agreed reluctantly, but he had concerns about it so we talked some more when we met in the evening. I learned more about him tonight that made me realize he's more authentic than I gave him credit for. But I worry that he's jumping to conclusions about me.

But he treats me so well that I could blush. I thought I'd never find someone else who'd treat me as well as the Captain did, but here's one. Could I really be so lucky?

/me hums, "Somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good..."

Time and time again

As I lived in Second Life, I've learned that time is the greatest commodity, even in a virtual world. It's what makes virtual life very real. You can have a virtual body, virtual clothes, a virtual home with virtual furniture, a virtual car or helicopter or yacht. You can separate your virtual friends from your real friends, your virtual relationships from your real relationships. You can earn virtual money in a virtual company producing virtual products made out of virtual materials. But there is no such thing as virtual time.

Virtual time is real time.

Time is eternal, but our lifetimes are not. There's only so much we can do in a lifetime and there are many demands on our time. We give time to what is important to us. Likewise, we are given time if we are important to someone else.

Time and priorities. That's all it's about.

Intuitively, I have always known this. I've always felt overwhelmed when a man sacrifices sleep several nights in a row just to spend a few more hours dancing with me, when a man misses his plane to an important client meeting the next morning because he lost track of time chatting with me, when a man parks his avatar next to mine and occasionally says something sweet just so he could feel my presence even while he's working.

I was important enough to them, even if only briefly.

Maybe the true measure of a lover is not how much he loves someone or something. Maybe the true measure of a lover is how much time he allots for the object of his love.

Love, as an emotion, is not a zero-sum game. Love, as an aspect of time, is.