"I find it very distancing and unspontaneous. Everything seems deliberate. Too deliberate, too cerebral."
That's his ISFP self talking about my INTJ self, because I moved him from one alt to another and then proposed a 30-day time limit on the affair, even though I explained why.
But this is who I am. I am INTJ. I'm the exact opposite of what he wants. He wanted me to be emotional, and I thought I already was. With him, I always felt not good enough, and more than once I felt like an idiot because I didn't know some obscure fact. Why the hell am I expected to know about a little country in Africa? As an ISFP, he's more interested in facts. As INTJ, I'm more interested in ideas. I accept that difference; he doesn't.
He would complain about things that I don't know how to fix. He says I have the potential to "sweep someone" (off their feet?) because he had a glimpse of that side of me, and he wanted me to sweep him. I had no idea how. Wasn't that something that just happens spontaneously?
When I think about it, his questions probing about my relationships, asking me to compare him with other men I've been with, felt as though he was choosing between me and another, as though he was weighing the pros and cons of being with me.
Finally, he pondered that we might be better off as friends than lovers. So, we remain friends, but I warned hm I don't have time for friends. He didn't like that.
Yesterday he IM'd me just to say hello, but, as usual, he was distracted. He was dancing with an old flame, while working and chatting with me. I told him I thought it was disrespectful to her because he wasn't focusing on her. He disagreed. I asked if she even knew that he was chatting with me, and he said that he didn't have to give status reports.
He IM'd me again in the evening. I thought that if he kept IM'ing me, that he was hurting from the breakup, so I offered a hug, and he accepted. But, as we started talking, he seemed very cynical and cold. And he was distracted again, I'm sure, so I said I needed to get back to work. I had given him time during the past week, in spite of having deadlines. There was no point to that, if he's not my lover anymore. I don't have to wait on him.
After we said goodnight, I IM'd him again with a request. I asked for no contact for a couple of weeks, to give me time to heal. After a short discussion, he finally agreed. There would be silence.
I know he's hurting, but he's too proud to admit it. In that sense, we are very much alike. I am hurting but I'm too proud to admit it. At least, to him. I confess in this blog instead.
They say we hate in other people what we hate about ourselves, and we admire in other people what we like about ourselves. There were many instances when he rubbed me the wrong way unconsciously and I let them pass. It'll take some time for me to process what he is reflecting back to me. If nothing else, maybe I'd learn a lesson or two.
As if on cue, Lucky Bastard logged in after a long absence, looking for me since yesterday. I think there's a psychic link between us now that he could sense when I need him, when my heart is breaking.
We caught up with each other today (technically yesterday) and he said he was thinking about me. I jokingly asked which part of me he was thinking of and he simply said, "soul." And after we passed witty remarks about my dirty mind, he said, "lotus always grows in the dirtiest waters."
A compliment is one thing. That was way beyond a compliment. That was a witnessing. It was as though he said, "I see the true you" in the deepest sense.
I remember something I said many years ago to MAMJJ that he was my witness. At that time, he was the only one who knew my RL identity and my RL-associated alt and he was witness to everything I did. He hasn't been into SL for a very long time now.
Now, Lucky is my witness. He sees me. All the way into my soul.
In a world like this, it is extremely rare to find someone who cares deeply enough to watch over you, who delves deep to truly know you, who accepts and loves you exactly for who you are. He never said he loves me. But what he does for me speaks volumes.
A song dedication
I was feeling lost. Once in a while, I'd get a surge of emotions so strong that my torso would physically curl as though I was hit in the chest. But I have to work.
I was playing Il Divo in Rhapsody in the background. When I heard "Come Primavera", I remembered Rapido. After I checked the time, I realized it was halfway through his show, and I hadn't listened to his show for months, so I did.
He was talking when I turned it on. And suddenly the world changed. It felt like it did when we were together. Images came back to my mind... the pavilion with the elephant he never said anything about, the hammock on the beach sky-orb. There was sun in my mind again.
Then suddenly, I half understood he was about to play a song for "una amiga". Then he said "Il Divo". Then he said other things (in Spanish, of course), but he explicitly said "Opal Lei" several times as though he was making sure that I knew it was for me. I had a big grin on my face.
He remembers me. He remembers us.
He knew I was listening, because his website has tools that showed what cities listeners were from.
If it's real, the love never fades away.