I have this little script that I wrote when I was with mfpwtff. It wasn't meant to be used for spying. I wrote it before he met Opal, so that he would know if I was logged into my other alts, and so that I would know when he's logged in while I was in my other alts. That way, he can either wait a few minutes for me until I join him, or he can assume that I'm asleep and do something else.
The past couple of months, my sex alt has had a few regular lovers who were European, so the scheduling was a bit tricky. So, I used this script for that. The Captain was one of those lovers. Even though he is now in Opal's friends list, he still doesn't know the identities of all my alts, so I use that tracker still.
Then the other morning, I was surprised to see his name pop up in that tracker, but when I looked for his name in my friends list to say hi, it showed him as offline. Thinking he must have logged in and out quickly, I checked my chat history. Nothing. So, I figured he wanted some privacy, so I left him alone.
Just to clarify, he and I have no agreement to be exclusive to each other. We had agreed to that arrangement even before he met Opal, because he cannot guarantee how much time he can be inworld for me, and he understands the reason I have a sex alt in the first place.
But, two hours later, he sent me an IM. This time, SL said he was online. And then he said, "i logged just to give you a hug."
Uh-huh.
He couldn't stay long, but I confronted him about it anyway. I said that all I ask from him is honesty. I reminded him that he has no commitment to me; therefore, he has no reason to lie. He promised he would never lie to me again. Then he had to go.
After he left, I cried.
And I couldn't understand why the pain was disproportionate to the transgression. It was really just a white lie. He said he was shopping for some items. But even if he were with another woman, I really wouldn't have cared; I don't consider him "mine" outside of the roleplay. And then I realized what it was....
During my undergrad, we were required to read "Sula" by Toni Morisson. In the story, Sula sleeps with her best friend Nel's husband. Nel later realizes that it wasn't the loss of her husband that hurt her more; it was the loss of her friendship with Sula. It was that feeling of suddenly losing a deep connection with the slash of a betrayal.
I had trusted the Captain with my secrets. That small white lie made me wonder if I was wrong to trust him. So, instead of revealing more of me, I would be holding back. The deepening of a friendship averted.
Now, I understand why Jaime, two years ago, mourned when all I did was copy and paste a simple conversation we had and share it with someone else. He had given me advice that I thought would help someone else. But that sharing of his words, which I didn't ask permission for, caused him to lose trust in me and threatened the friendship. I didn't understand it then, but I sensed it. It was a matter of trust.
I wonder if I still have that book somewhere....
No comments:
Post a Comment