The gloomy and fog

the gloomy and fog about some things is so special that it has no sense to try to put precision and names on, when you wish to see things in their whole reality

That was his explanation about why he never said he loved me. We were in our first cuddle after two years. We communicated on email in the past few months. Almost daily. Usually more than once a day.

It was kinda my fault. I sent an email warning him that I'd be traveling to BeNeLux for a two-week holiday, so he could be sure to avoid those countries in case he was traveling too.

But he opened the door wider. Whenever I stopped responding, he'd email again. Whenever I replied angrily, he'd email again. In a lighter tone. As though he didn't know I was angry.

I carried my anger and my pain for much of those few months. I was cynical and sarcastic. Until one day when he was late sending me a reply. And I realized my day didn't feel right without an email from him when I woke up. It became a habit.

When I had a big argument with my mother and decided to move away, he understood. When my father passed away in late November, he understood. When I had a falling out with my sister, he understood. In the absence of a working computer, he was my only confidante and my only solace, because I could at least read email on my tablet (and later, my new phone).

In times of grief and sorrow and anger, I tend to pull away from everyone. But he emailed everyday. Like a fool who was unaware that I wanted to be alone. On the other hand, because he sent short emails, it didn't feel like an intrusion. And he knew just what to say. There was comfort, and even a sense of poetry, in his broken English.

When we finally met for a cuddle, I thought we could continue what we had in our emails. But he wanted more of the FF sexual relationship. I said no.

Our emails were based on reality. No RP. No personas. However, in SL, we were sliding back into the old RPs. And I couldn't stand that anymore. Why make the same sacrifices again? And for a man who couldn't say he loves me?

The pain returns. Almost as strongly as before.


Even though he agreed that we had discussed this topic more than enough in the past, he explains again anyway.
I never believe when someone tell me "i love you"
because for me the meanings of these words is mine
and i know it can't be true in my meaning
some people use that daily, even to their friends
some say to their different lovers
some to their dogs
feelings have their own meanings :) considered by every person

Maybe he's giving me more than what I ask for. Maybe I'm insisting on a specific wrapping when the offered gift is better than what usually comes with the wrapping I want. Maybe I'm asking him to stick a mundane label on something that is divinely indefinable.... So special.... The gloomy and fog.... The mystery.

Or maybe I'm just imagining what I wish to see.

And maybe the fool is in the mirror.


. . .

Happy holidays... whatever holiday you celebrate this season.