At first, I thought I could control it. The experience was wonderfully comfortable, not uncontrollably crazy.
But when we went back to our normal lives, my insecurities started coming out again. And the doubts came. Strongly. Suddenly, I felt that familiar fight-or-flight panic.
The RP had stopped. I tried to restart it a few times, but each time, the RP just faded or didn't even start at all. Our conversations suddenly shriveled to a very short chat before he fell asleep.
Had he lost interest? Should we even plan to meet again? Am I being played?
Logically, everything seemed fine. He had work issues to deal with, so I expected he would be very busy. But, when we voiced the other night, I asked him anyway. His answer was immediate and sincere.
He said that, before that weekend, the RP was very exciting. But after that weekend, the RP lost its luster, compared to our real life meeting. My heart melted.
I understood what he meant. I had in fact wondered how the RL meeting would affect my virtual sex life. Two weeks ago, virtual was all I needed, virtual was what I preferred.
Suddenly, I've become hungry for physical touch. Not just anybody's touch, but his touch. His hugs. His cuddles. His caresses.
There was a certain quality in how he held me that I didn't expect from someone so young. It felt like a claiming. He claimed my body, without tentativeness as though I was naturally his, and yet without possessiveness either.
Most men flatter with words and gifts. He flattered me with his fingertips exploring my skin, his arms wrapped tight around me, his body pressed against me, his legs entwined around mine. He flattered me in such a way that I forgot who I am.
It was supposed to be just a booty call.
Damn oxytocin. I lost control.