I gave him more

"my sub gave me so much of her it is difficult for her to imagine to share my affection"

Wolfgang's stalker returned, and we were talking about the risk of Alt#27 being linked to Opal. He was concerned about his sub finding out, because she is very possessive and she wants to be his only lover. She became aware of Alt#27 a long time ago, but she now thinks Alt#27 is no longer in his life.

What she doesn't know is that I have given him much more than she has. Not only have I given him so much of myself, but I have also given him what I was not. I was not submissive, yet I gave him Alt#27 as his sub, rebellious though she is. I was not bisexual, but I gave him Alt#32 who is partnered to one of his female alts. I loved my sexual freedom, yet I gave him Alt#6, who is now practically exclusive to him, even though he still allows her her freedom.

What I did not have, I created for him. What I was not, I became for him. Even if it was difficult. Even if it was painful.

And more importantly, I give him his freedom. Even if I feel jealous. Even if it hurts me to think of him enjoying the company of another. I give him his freedom, because his happiness is important to me, wherever he might find it. Even if he finds it in the arms of another.

When his sub was gone, I was happy that he spent more time with me. When she returned, he looked forward to seeing her, and I saw less of him, and my heart broke. But I accept it, even if it pains me.

I worried that his sub would find this blog and put two and two together, and she would realize that I am his lover that she felt jealous about a long time ago. If she does, I hope she understands that I accept her presence in his life, because she makes him happy, or else he would not be with her. And I hope she accepts my presence in his life, because I still make him happy somehow, or else he would not be with me.

I allow room for her in his life. I allow room for his other lovers and friends in his life. Because that is how I love him. And because that is how I define love.

Cherished Magdalene

When Wolfgang went on a 10-day holiday, his absence made me very, very insecure. Actually, even before he left. When I said that I felt like he was bored with me, he said it's just my imagination. Logically, I have no reason to doubt us.

Life feels desperate these days, and tears come too easily. And I feel even less secure, in spite of facts. In spite of his concern about my well-being and my mom's well-being. When I'm insecure, I don't see things in a balanced way, and I feel insecure about everything else in my life. So he points out the cold facts. He explains patiently, even when explanations tire him. He had gone through the same experiences, and he described how he saw it and dealt with it. Logically. Brutally honestly.

It shocks me. But it shocks me out of my depression. I asked for brutal honesty, he is one of the few who actually gives it to me.

I know that I'm projecting my RL insecurities onto our relationship. I know it's my current situation and my own insecurities from past affairs. I have not had an SL relationship that lasted this long, and I keep wondering if I'll know, if I'll see the signs, if I'll be blindsided. But he always reminds me that he isn't my other lovers.

Recently, he logged out one of his alts after he logged in one of his other alts that was dedicated to Alt#6. I commented that the first alt must not like me much because she left quickly. It was a silly comment because I was with his other alt. But it bothered him. It bothered him so much that he had to sit me down the next day with the first alt, and he emphasized that he cherishes Alt#6. It was the first time he used the word "cherish."

He made sure I understood how much he wanted her. And he said that, if he could be with only one of my alts, she is the one he would prefer to be with. She, who is my dirty throw-away sex object. She, who is my Magdalene. He cherishes her. I had rarely felt as wanted as I did at that moment; I was so overwhelmed that I cried.

If he could cherish that lowest darkest filthiest side of me and if he thinks of her as virginal in spite of who she was, then maybe it's a given that he cherishes the rest of me.

In other news, mfpwtff sent me a private message after he read my Facebook post about my mom needing bypass surgery almost a couple of months ago. I didn't expect him to respond to it. After all, he had been mostly offline for months too. His short message felt like one of those warm hugs he used to give me inworld, even long after we officially ended our relationship. He is in a new RL relationship now, and he honored me by letting me know. There will be no more anniversary dances, but I retain a very good friend.