I haven't been able to sleep well the past two nights. My lover and I had not been talking or seeing each other much the past couple of days. Three nights ago, I saw jealousy in him; he dealt with it very well. But the following night, he stayed away, and that hurt me. Last night, we both stayed away.
I wondered, if he truly loved me, why did he stay away?
Then it occurred to me. It wasn't until I stopped licking my own wounds that I saw it from his perspective. Here's a man who is wildly successful, intelligent, handsome, charming. And with a healthy self-confidence that stems from what he has accomplished. Many beautiful women go gaga over him and cater to his every whim.
Then he met me. Someone who is unfazed by his successes, his intelligence, his looks, and his charm. Someone to whom he had to prove his character, his ethics, his integrity. Someone who will not cater to any of his whims that go against the grain of her being.
And that shakes his confidence. In fact, it probably even shakes something else inside him. He feels guilt about being with other women, even after I have given him permission. He feels jealousy, because he suspects that I am enjoying the same freedom I allow him. Feelings that he had never felt before.
From the beginning, I warned him that I didn't want the relationship to come outside of SL. He said "for now;" I didn't mean "for now." When he told me he had real feelings for me, I didn't believe him. I tried to explain to him that he's in love with a fantasy, not the real person. How could he be in love with someone he has never met? He refused to listen.
Or maybe, because of my own insecurities, I refused to listen.
This is going to be a bumpy ride and as much work as a real life relationship. And I'm still thinking about it, but,...
Babe, I'm listening now.