Nineteen!

 Yes, it seems like I'm blogging only once a year. :D

The CAR-T cell therapy was successful. The infusion happened last Oct 29, and I was at the hospital twice for severe side effects, including facial palsy (paralysis in my facial muscles).

My hospital stays were very uncomfortable. The nurses kept waking me up for tests and the bed was uncomfortable. During my second stay, I tearfully begged to be let out so I could sleep in peace in my own bed. With much reluctance, they eventually agreed with several conditions. Even then, I had to go back twice a week for a check-up and I had to slowly wean out of the steroids and other medications, which would have been too dangerous to simply stop.

Then I had to change insurance at the end of the year, and that was another big hassle because my previous doctors were not in the network of the new insurance. Plus I had to pay the large deductible and the co-pays again, but that's typical of American health insurance.

Anyway, the cancer is in remission now, but I'm still dealing with other side effects, like a very weak immune system. So I still have not traveled outside my city and its twin city over the state border.

I go in every four weeks for the lab work and I see my new oncologist every three months. I've had some (minor?) incidents that I report a little after (half because I don't want to stay in the hospital again). And I eventually recover from those incidents.

I've joined an ACS Survivor's group in Second Life and I attend once in a while. I'm learning a lot of things that they don't tell you in the medical documentation. Including the fact that cancer and its treatment changes your body, so you don't tolerate heat or cold as well as you used to, for example.

I looked for work in the early months until I realized that I can't even stay awake for 8 hours a day because I needed two 2- or 3-hour naps each day. So I gave up on it temporarily and went back to volunteering meanwhile. At least I don't have deadlines so I could take my time doing the volunteer work.

So I've returned to the ISM. I'm redoing some of the landscaping and the website, and I just completed revamping the ISM Trivia Game, as well as creating some new t-shirt prizes. I'm continuing with the landscaping and the website, and I'll be adding more prizes and redoing the ISM Dating Guide. Then I'll go back to my Bel Emoi Books flipping journals, which I started last April. I'm wondering whether I should revisit Mer Betta and create mermaid tails again. But I also have my scifi novel to work on.

Lots to do!

Meanwhile, I'm still with Wolfgang. We've created an alt that he can use to go to public events with me, but most of those events are not European-friendly time-wise, so we've used that alt only once or twice.

So that's what I've been up to the past year. It feels easier now than during my chemo period. At the same time, I feel that I've still been a bit more productive. Not my usual productivity, but I'm addicted to that feeling of achievement.

I had my 60th RL birthday last October, which I didn't celebrate because of my health issues. I'll have my 20th SL rez day a year from now. I might celebrate that. :)

 

Eighteen!

 I'm at the age of majority now. ;)  Unless it's in dog years, then I'm really 126 years old.

Not much has changed since a year ago. I'm logging into SL just to spend time with Wolfgang or to shop the weekend sales.

I'm still going through chemo irl, although I'll be going through CAR T-cell therapy; T-cell collection happens next week.

I'm still with Wolfgang. He talks about his addiction to me. :D  Of course, we're restructuring our relationship again.

I lost my RL job last December and had a hard time looking for another job. It's just as well. I get so exhausted from the chemo anyway; my 100% is a whole lot less than my usual, so I wouldn't be able to give them what they pay for.

Also, I'm starting to think of how I would want my will executor to deal with my Second Life assets and businesses.

That said, I'll be in SL for as long as I can.  :)

I am seventeen, going on ...

In the past, August would bring a significant change in my life. This year, my real life changed in January when I started chemo treatment for multiple myeloma. I'm still going through it, and I don't think I can handle any additional change in my life right now, real or virtual.

Or maybe changes are starting this month but I wouldn't realize them until later.

Because of lack of time or energy, I come into Second Life mostly for shopping the weekend sales or meeting up with Wolfgang. He remains my emotional support through this challenging time.

Besides those, nothing else is interesting enough to mention.

I expect I'd still be in SL for at least another year. :)

Exclusivity by blackmail

I didn't know we were exclusive. Seriously.

When Wolfgang and I met, we had many other lovers at the same time. Eventually, those lovers slowly faded away for one reason or another. Then there were just two of us.

In almost eleven years since we met, we broke up twice for several months. He claims we had numerous micro-break-ups too. I disagreed. We had numerous disagreements, yes, but I didn't see them as break-ups.

This isn't the only thing that we disagree on, of course. I preferred to strengthen the one-on-one relationships of our pairs. He prefers to loosely mix them up, like a hippy commune.

He repeatedly said in the past that he is polyamorous. And I didn't mind, so I always assumed that he could have at least one other alt with another lover.

But he also repeatedly said that he doesn't come into SL often enough to feel the need "to hunt". With our multiple alt pairs, his need for polyamory is satisfied for now.

Me: so you're polyamorous but all your lovers are me? ;D
Him: it was a part of the deal
Me: we didn't make that deal.
Him: I think we had one
Me: Nope.
Him: that if I had a lover, I should have told you
Him: so you would take distance
Me: Telling me is not exclusivity.
Him: that is same as it is a sort of blackmail
Me: you saw that as blackmail?
Him: the intent can look different, but the result is same as a blackmail

I didn't ask that we be exclusive. All I asked was that he tell me if he takes on another lover again. But I warned him that if he did, I could choose to stay or go. He could do whatever he wanted to do, but I could also do whatever I wanted to do. Only fair, right?

But he saw that as blackmail. From his perspective, he heard, "Be exclusive to me or I'll leave." When I argued that it's not blackmail or a threat, that I just know what I need to do to protect my own emotions, he said that the result is still the same.

He agreed to tell me if he took on another lover, but he hasn't yet. So he has been exclusive to me for years. He said that it's because he's pragmatic. I didn't understand what pragmatism had to do with it. Then I realized that this polyamorous man chose to be exclusive with me to avoid losing me. That's the pragmatic part.

But blackmail requires an exchange of valuables. So that means I'm at least as valuable to him as his freedom is. That's the romantic part. :)

So I guess we are exclusive. By blackmail.

Sweet Sixteen

 It's my 16th rez day anniversary.

I'm still around, but I think I've matured a lot now. Sometimes, I wonder if I've gotten bored with everything Second Life. But when I stay away too long, I miss it.

Sometimes, I miss places that exist only in my head. SL places are somewhat more tangible than those imaginary places and I miss SL places too. I think it is one of the reasons why I enjoy having a private sim where I can have a bit more control over the spaces where I create memories.

Of course, I get bored with my builds so I pull them back into my inventory and create new spaces. I'm sure the constant change bugs Wolfgang, but he doesn't have much of a say now after I "kicked him out" as co-owner of the sim. I need my autonomy, especially when designing the sim. He likes my decorating style anyway, so he doesn't complain too much.

Our relationship is changing again. I get bored with what we do too. I don't know if we'll find the same old passion, so we'll see.

However, he doesn't understand that it's more difficult to disentangle now after 10.5 years together and with multiple pairs. Each pair is an emotional knot that binds us. Even if the sexual passion is gone, the love and friendship is still there.

We talked about what RL would be like without SL. It would definitely be boring. Wolfgang wondered if Meta would take the place of SL; I said I don't think it will. Meta's graphics are crappy and are devoid of any creativity. The people of SL, especially the creators, made it what it is. And Meta is going to have a hard time building a community like that. It's not just a social thing; it's also a creativity thing.

Maybe that might be something to look forward to. Where would Second Life be on my 32nd rez day anniversary?

When you get used to caviar

He took offense when I said that he's free to have sex with someone else, using one of his alts that he didn't commit to me. He insisted that he couldn't do that, and I couldn't understand why.

He tried to explain that it was with the last pair that he finally felt there was no need for another. He said that he doesn't see us creating any more alts for each other. With the last pair, he had given me the deepest aspect of his psyche. There was nothing else deeper than that.

In our ten years together, we met each other in the middle and then went beyond. In terms of our outlook about relationships, he became more like me, and I became more like him. Long-term real-life relationships change the people in them. I suppose long-term virtual-life relationships are the same.

He tried to explain what our relationship means to him. What *I* mean to him.

Wolfgang's alt: and by the way
My alt: oui?
Wolfgang's alt: you know what we say about caviar
My alt: How did the conversation get to caviar?!?
Wolfgang's alt: when you got used to caviar, you don't eat Lump eggs anymore ;)

So, there. I guess I'm caviar now. :)

Love, Like the Main Entree

"Hehe, I like your words about paranoia and alt"

Those were Wolfgang's first words to me on 2012 March 6 at 14:50:11 SLT.

In the early months of 2012, I was getting ready to publish my book "Love, Like Dim Sum". Then I realized that I actually didn't have enough experience with BDSM, which was and still is widespread in SL. So I joined a capture roleplaying group. With a new alt, of course.

A few days before I met Wolfgang, I met someone else in that group who wanted to meet my main alt before he would interact with me. Right off the bat. Hell, no! So I wrote about that experience in my alt's profile. And that was what Wolfgang was commented about.

In the capture roleplay, the males were the predators who were hunting the females. (Yes, sexist, I know.) The predators used a bow-and-arrow weapons system that reduced the female's "health" whenever she was hit by an arrow. When it gets down to 0% or close to it, she is considered captured. Wolfgang claimed that he wasn't really good with the weapons system that the sim was using. But he claimed he was very good with roleplaying. Okay, I said, I could do roleplay too. I already knew that roleplayers made better lovers because of their creativity and language skills. But could this non-native speaker of English be a decent roleplayer?

Surprisingly, he is.

We had to roleplay by email because my father had a health scare and I had to drive from Seattle to San Francisco. During my drive, the world seemed very different; everything felt magical. Many times, I thought that something I passed looked like a forest in our imaginary roleplay world. My imaginary world and my real world were blending into each other like they never had before.

In the capture sim, if the prey (female) is caught, she must have sex with the predator (male) who caught her. So, after a week, I decided that it was time to let him "catch" me. The moment that he tied the leash after my capture, it felt like the most sacred part of a church wedding ceremony, ironically as profane as the roleplay was. I felt a very unusual tenderness and care from him that day and the next.

After that RP, I thought we would move on to play with others. Our chase was done after all. But he proposed that we continue meeting out-of-character.

At that time, we were both polyamorous. He had five lovers, including me; I had four lovers, including him. Slowly, through the following years, his four other lovers and my three other lovers faded away.

The past ten years were not easy, especially the early years. We argued a lot. He broke my heart many times; I broke up with him twice.

Third time's a charm, they say. But I think, by the third time, you give up all your hopes and expectations and just let the relationship be what it is. That's when you realize there are diamonds in the relationship that you never expected, because you were expecting something else.

Through private roleplays with each other, we've explored many types of pairings. I get bored easily and he enjoys the variety that we come up with. Although he initially pushes back on my ideas, he eventually agrees I was right. (My response: I'm always right! ;) ) And when he expresses a wish, it becomes my command, even if he says I don't have to do it.

Once, he promised that he would never abandon me, no matter what happens between us. And he kept his word through our break-ups.

He said he cherishes me. He never said he loved me.

I know many things about him, his family, his friends, his work, his life. I still don't know his last name. I could easily find him, but I choose to respect his wish.

Two of my past SL relationships lasted almost a year. I was amazed when my relationship with Wolfgang lasted two. Then five. Then ten. There's still no guarantee that there'll be an 11th anniversary.

Last December, in real life, I met up with some cousins, one of whom stayed with me in my hotel. In the middle of the night, she woke up to a vision. She said that she saw a man at the edge of my bed and I was caring for him, wiping and caressing his face. She remembered his face from the vision vividly. She thought that I couldn't possibly have a man in the room with us, so she went back to sleep.

The next morning, she told me about her vision.

I hardly talk about my SL relationships with my family, because the concept of SL is already foreign to them. But, after she told me about her vision, I peppered her with questions about what the man looked like. Then I showed her Wolfgang's RL pic. Her reaction was priceless. She recognized him right away as the man on my bed in her vision.

There is something magical here. In more ways than one.

Fifteen

Who knew I would last in Second Life this long? When I first started in SL, I figured I'd stay a couple of hours. That's a very long couple of hours. :)

Wolfgang and I got back together earlier this year. For a few months.

But, as I said, a lot has happened in real life. And I couldn't justify losing sleep for a relationship that keeps me an arm's length away. I had to take care of me. Alone. We never stopped communicating by email, and we're starting again to see each other inworld, but rarely.

The friendship is still there. And he keeps his promise to never leave me no matter what happens between us.

I did not move to Washington State as I had planned last year. A lot has happened that caused my moved to be postponed several times. But I finally moved back to the Pacific Northwest late last month. Just across the Columbia River. That's this year's almost-August significant change in my life. :)

Life feels lighter at the moment. However, there has been a lot of uncertainty the past few years. The past year with COVID and the blatant racism in the US made me feel that uncertainty so much more. I try to quell the anxiety that's just lurking under the surface. I am well aware that life could change in an instant.

In my first couple of years in SL, I experience the pain of the world's transience. It was the nature of virtual worlds to keep changing. People and places disappeared quickly and too often. Lately, it feels like real life is imitating virtual life. 

I've never deleted any of my many alts. I've put them in hibernation, yes, but I can log them in again anytime, if I wanted to. Can't do that in real life.

But maybe I still have a few decades left. In RL and in SL.

 

Fourteen +

I just realized that I forgot to write a post for my 14th rez day! It just came and went. That's why the title of this post has a "+" in it. :)

But, as usual, August brings changes to my life. This time, to my real life. In August, I got approval to work remotely permanently, so I'm moving back to Washington State. California is my family's home, but it feels like Washington State is my soul's home.

For some reason, just the planning of the move already wakes up my muse. I'm getting so many creative ideas! Not just for SL, but also for real-life projects.

In fact, I'm relearning Blender (for the umpteenth time). Hopefully, it will be productive this time.

Earlier this year, I let Wolfgang go after I realized that the relationship will never be balanced. I was surprised that it affected him much more than I expected. We remain good friends; we still share news by email, he still tries to seduce me, but we don't meet anymore. I still adore him; that won't change. But I was wasting time and effort on something that doesn't give back as much as I give. By a mile.

So, this time, I'm loving me and taking care of me. And I'm creating again.

Tears for the past

"Paradox Olbers, former ISM President, passed away on 13 November, 2019."

Kat Lemieux, founder and current president of the International Spaceflight Museum, sent me an IM today to tell me the news and to ask if I had made a Morphing Portrait for Para and if I wanted to create a memorial for him.

I saw her message as a notification from GMail as I was getting ready to leave work in the evening. I cried in the dark night as I walked to my car. And I don't know why.

I didn't have a close friendship with Para, but I worked closely with him when we were both active in the museum. It was a distant but warm professional friendship. When he took over the ISM, I was amazed at how he was able to keep it afloat financially, using his connections with donors and supporters.

But grief is a selfish emotion, and I knew that my tears were more for me than for him, although I am terribly sad that he is gone.

My last two years have been very difficult, particularly this past summer. In July, I had a cancerous tumor removed from my left kidney and that has not yet healed completely. In August, my mom passed away.

In the past few weeks, I've been missing Second Life. Not SL specifically, but the quietness and peacefulness that I have felt in the first few years of my virtual life. The wonder, the curiosity, the creativity. The innocence.

This week, I set up a trust and I'm still writing a pour-over will. In the process, I'm jotting down instructions for my successor trustee and executor. And the to-do list grows. I have a long list just to handle Opal's and Treasure's affairs. That task started my trek back into the past. And maybe that's why the tears came easily.

Paradox is one of the first few people I met in Second Life. His passing makes me feel like the past that I've been missing is slowly fading away piece by piece, because he was a part of that time in my life.

Many friends from that time have left SL too. No matter how often I log back into SL, I can't go back to that time. I can't step in the same river twice.



UPDATE 2019 Nov 30: Memorial created.

Thirteen

Again, August proves to be life-changing. Real life has a big influence this time. My mother passed away on August 11 this year.

Caring for her was a big part of my life in the past seven and a half years. And now, that responsibility has been lifted from my shoulders.

I've been alone before, but now the aloneness feels different. In the past, it always felt like an adventure, an assertion of my independence. This time, I'm not sure how it feels. At least, not yet.

It feels quiet. It feels peaceful. It feels like I could breathe again. It feels zen-like. I am more in the moment. I have more patience about the few minutes that it takes to do something simple and mundane. I stopped rushing.

I've spent less and less time in Second Life the past few years because of the real-life demands on my time, including my own health and job issues. I still don't have the luxury of time as I did when I first started SL, but now I have a little bit more. But is that enough?

A dear friend said that life doesn't have meaning. I know that. Life inherently doesn't have meaning, so we must individually give it meaning. I lost the meaning in my real life many years ago. And I think I've lost the meaning in my Second Life too.

But I'm still here. In a new phase of my life. Undefined. Uncertain.

In search for new meaning.

Twelve years

When I was twelve years old in real life, my body started that biological monthly "ritual" that differentiated a child from a young woman. I had already started wearing a bra several months before that.

Opal is twelve years old today.


There are no physical or virtual manifestations of changes due to her age, besides the continual updates in technology (her avatar is almost entirely in mesh now) and a meaningful shift in her coloring (which has nothing to do with her age).

In 2006, I started with fair skin and red hair. On my first day, I shaped her face into the one that I had been drawing since I learned to draw as a child. And I gave her fiery hair because I used to imagine that I was a feisty Irish woman in a previous life.

I tried different skin and hair colors through the years, especially during my virtual fashion model phase. I had tan skin and black hair at one point, then I realized too many models had that look, and I wanted to look different, so I kept the red hair.

Soon after the Charlottesville incident in August 2017, I went back to tan skin and black hair, which is my real-life coloring. It was a quiet political statement. I am a Filipina-American.

However, I kept the same eyes with blue and green colors, like Australian opals, because, after all, she is Opal.

Opal in first land 2006 and 2018

Maybe the most significant change in my virtual life is my relationship with Wolfgang.

I met him in March 2012. I was finishing up my book which I published in May the same year. I thought he would be just another "dim sum." We broke up in January 2015. By then, he was the longest relationship I've had — almost three times longer than the second longest. The next year, we were back together. I don't even know precisely when that happened. We were supposed to be just friends the second time around.

We're still together.

Neither of us planned for a long-term relationship. Neither of us specifically wished for one. We are both polyamorous.

During our first three years, we argued a lot and, each time we did, splitting up was always an option on the table. Nowadays, the option is still on the table, but neither of us seriously consider it anymore.

Some days when I feel very insecure about our relationship, I still wish to give up and end it. Then Wolfgang would send me a funny email, and I'd realize that we're okay.

The odd thing is that the longer the relationship goes, the more insecure I become. My old abandonment fears, I know. So, we consider everything we do to make sure that we don't trigger my abandonment issues and my insecurities.

We're more patient with each other. He understands why I distrust him about certain things. So I'm more open about how I come to my own conclusions, which usually make me insecure, and he's more open to explaining why my assumptions are wrong.

Virtual-world relationships are no easier than real-world relationships.


Twelve years. I'm still here. Cheers.

Comfort dance

Relationships are difficult. Memories are comforting.

Today, I indulged in a memory. Because I needed comfort. Because I needed to remember someone who thought that it was impossible to stop anyone from falling in love with me. He was wrong, of course, but, once a year, I pretend he's right.

Till next year.

Birthday doppelganger

"Aha !" was how he titled his email.

Your bday gift is got !

You'll have to tell me when you'll wish to receive it ;)

 And I initially thought, Hmmm, he bought another sex furniture?!

At the designated time on Oct 1, my birthday gift said hello.

I knew she was my gift because her username was very close to my real name. And that felt weird.

Flashback to the Captain

Many years ago, I was going to create an alt for the Captain to use in a BDSM roleplay with him. He said that doms typically named their subs. And when I asked him what he wanted me to name my new alt, he said my real name. I declined. I reasoned that it could make me lose my anonymity. He eventually gave me a different name but still related to my real name.

So, when I realized that Wolfgang named my gift after me, I had mixed emotions. But there's more....

(By the way, during the first week of October, the Captain logged in after a long absence. And so did Rocky, also after a very long absence. I wondered if long lost lovers returning to SL was going to be a trend, but it was just the two of them.  :)  )

Mini-me

When my gift teleported to where we were (we = one of our paired alts), I saw an avie who was dark-skinned and short. And I wondered,

Is this his interpretation of what I look like irl?

Why is he trying to recreate my RL self in SL?

What does it mean?

Her face is his style, however. Big eyes. Full lips.

We chose to give her a different display name, so I don't feel too uncomfortable referring to someone else with my almost-RL-name.

But he still felt I was distant from her.

Voluntary alt births

He used to be very resistant to creating private alts. I won't go through his reasons here. But last August, he created one without any prompting from me. That alt would be exclusive to me, to our group. And he created her to be a companion to one of my unpaired alts in our group.

I was very honored by that gift, but I considered the core (and most important aspect) of the gift to be the gesture, not the alt.

However, because we didn't discuss the creation of his new alt, I felt as though he was trying to curtail the freedom of my alt that he created that alt for. He assured me he wasn't, but he just wanted my alt to be more included in our "family."

I had always said that the pairs we have are like the big bolts that hold our relationship together. On the other hand, he prefers to mix up our alts in different ways to avoid too much familiarity (which breeds contempt) and for more sexiness.

So pinning down my free alt was probably one way for him to solidify our relationship. So I didn't mind so much that my alt's freedom feels curtailed. I see only him mostly anyway, so I didn't really need that freedom, but it's just the principle of it, the feeling of being free.

The creation of my birthday gift was a logical thing for him to do. He was trying to pin down another of my free alts, who was the third wheel in one of the pairs. But he had another motive.... He also wanted a different kind of sexual relationship that I wasn't comfortable with.

The past few days, we discussed the birthday gift's role in our family. We had to redefine who she and her partner should be to make things more comfortable for me. We finally settled on it today.

Wolf love

He is changing. Our relationship is changing. But the more I learn about him, the more I admire him and adore him.

Maybe he is this way only with me. He did say that he does certain things only for me. And, in addition, he listens to me more and he pays attention. And he tries to do things to please me.

He never said he loved me. But, if this isn't love, what is?

When second place is a good thing ...

I got notecards from Inara Pey yesterday and today. They had announced the winners for the "Filling the Cauldron" contests!

Long story short:

• In the garden contest, I am "joint runner-up" with Oscelot Haalan.
• In the photography contest, I am in second place.

From the blog, a quote from Elicio said, "... And the Dragon Skull one has a very neat and orderly layout. It’s beautiful.”  :D

An artist complimenting your artwork carries greater weight because they know what they're talking about. The same goes with any other type of work, like musicians complimenting music, programmers complimenting code, writers complimenting an essay. So, Elicio's compliment is a really big deal. :D Well, to me at least.

I talked about my garden contest entry here, but I didn't really mention my photography entry because I just randomly took it after I finished my shopping spree at Elicio's store to use in my blog post. I didn't even decide to enter it into the photography contest until much later.

I also wanted to bid on Elicio's RL paintings. From the website, I noticed one that was extremely well-done, where his technical skill was very apparent. It was a painting of a structure with mountains in the back. The title on the website said "Lugares Sagradas" ("Sacred Places"). It pulled me in the same way that Elicio's inworld work pulled me.

This one was done in acrylic on canvas. The rest of the artwork in the auction were watercolors on paper. I love love love watercolors. But next to the "Lugares Sagradas", they felt too whimsical, too light, too superficial. I still picked my favorite out of the watercolors anyway — the blue forest scene. On auction day (Sunday), I decided that maybe I should go for the blue forest watercolor because it seemed more appropriate as a memento or representative of Second Life. The "Lugares Sagradas" felt too "heavy".

I had set my limit to $100 before the auction started. When the auction started, I realized that my limit was too small to be competitive, so I doubled it to $200.

The blue forest watercolor was the second painting on the block (Saffia, who served as the auctioneer, interspersed other non-painting items in between the paintings). The bidding started at 15kL. Wolfgang advised me to wait until the end before I bid. So I joined when it became quiet and Terra Volitant had bid 22k. I started at 23k. Then the bidding bounced quickly between Terra and me. For five minutes.

I had already reached my limit at 50kL. But I kept going... with longer pauses. I decided that 60kL would be my last bid and I'd leave it up to fate after that. Terra called out 65kL. Saffia was repeatedly calling me by name on public voice asking if I would go higher. Then, as I emoted bowing out, Terra sent me an IM that he would not go over 65kL and he would not compete if I outbid him after that. But I already bowed out and, as I told him, 60kL was already past my limit. I felt that the painting wasn't meant to be mine.

The "Lugares Sagradas" was the fourth painting on the block. Its name is actually "Stupa" and it is from a series called "Lugares Sagradas"/"Sacred Places". From Elicio's description, 'Stupa is the last remianing original painting of my "Pre Second Life" period that is not already in a private collection.'

Up to the last minute, I had doubts about bidding on it for an inner nervousness that I couldn't explain. It felt as though owning it would be a very serious responsibility. I felt its weight on my soul. At the same time, it pulled me.

If the blue forest went as high as 65kL, I was sure the "Stupa" would go even higher because it's on canvas, but I decided to bid anyway. The bidding started at 20kL; I immediately started at 21kL. Soon, it was between Terra and me again. I think he felt sorry for me for losing out on the previous painting, because he stopped at 46kL so I won it for 50kL. My limit. The universe was confirming it was meant to be mine. Somehow. :)

I stayed for the remainder of the auction, even though I wasn't planning to bid anymore. Afterwards, I chatted a little with Elicio and he told me some facts about that painting. It's one of his favorite paintings, he said. The background is actually "one of the sacred mountains where the Ganghes is born". Then he told me about the four elements that a stupa's parts represented.

 

Then, he said, "This painting I had hanging on my wall for many years...and was always a source of solace and peace for me. I hope it does the same for you =)"

Uhhhmmmmm, I was feeling more nervous at that point. The weight of the responsibility felt a little heavier.

I asked him if he was sure he wanted to part with it, and I said he could send me another painting instead. He replied, "Letting go is important, specially as an artist. And specially when the piece is appreciated by who is getting it."

After he explained that it was a composite image (there are stupas in that spot on the Himalayas, but they had more prayer banners). Then he sent me a link to a photo of a real stupa with prayer banners.

I don't think this painting will give me peace. It has a certain mystical energy to it that reminds me of the mysteries around my maternal great-grandfather.

Anyway, I sent him my shipping information. And we'll see. 

Garden of the Seven Shamans

I started writing this post almost a month ago when I signed up for the garden contest of "Filling the Cauldron" event to help raise funds for Elicio Ember's family.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I bought half the store again, as I did six years ago. Since I don't have land for my Mer Betta store anymore, I figured I could at least use my new acquisitions in the garden contest.

My goal was to preserve the mystery and the magic of his work. I didn't want a manicured garden. I wanted something untamed, natural, and spiritual. I scrapped a couple of ideas. The water, the skull, and the swamp tree in the back were the easiest decisions. The rest were a bit more difficult to decide, but I felt pushed to work on it every night. So I got done about a couple of weeks before the deadline with positioning scripts. Yeah, that's unusual for a procrastinator of procrastinating, like me. (Don't ask about my taxes which are due for filing on Apr 15. I'm procrastinating about filing the extension. :) )

The only thing that wasn't created by Elicio is the fog. I was looking for rain and found the fog. Happy accidents. :)

I took pictures of the result, of course. This is the best one, I think.

And I made a machinima that makes me very sleepy, to be honest. But I've been short on sleep lately. I found the perfect music, which I would love to reuse in another project someday.

Hopefully, it calms you down too. Or maybe it takes you to that mysterious magical world that Elicio's work takes me to.

Come and experience my garden here and vote here. The event ends tomorrow April 9, 2017.

The psychology of reversed roles

Sometimes, you get the most interesting conversations while testing sex beds.

Wolfgang: do you see how it is more sexy [when] you are on this place?

He had just clicked SWAP in the menu. Earlier, my avatar was tied up and his avatar was the dominant one. After the swap, his avatar was tied up and mine was the dominant one.

He thought it was a lot sexier when I dominated him. And that was surprising, coming from a man who has always been dominant. But we have reversed roles for a few months now. Taking a more submissive role was one of the "gifts" that he gave me recently and that he promised to give to me only, forever. It was an easy promise, like my promise that I would never take another dom ever. Being submissive is not his nature at all. And not mine either.

For him, the reversed roles were a way to balance our relationship. I'm still not a domme, but I "take care" of him in our roles. I'm the oldest in my RL family, so it came naturally to me. At the same time, he says that he feels at peace and mellowed out in a less dominant role. It also makes him less likely to "hunt" other partners, although he pursues Opal and my other public alts.

We've been meeting almost everyday for a few hours before I go to work. (Yes, I've been getting up at an ungodly hour to meet him.) And the last few weeks, we've been like rabbits. Only a few months ago, I thought that menopause had caught up with my libido. I was wrong.

So, yesterday, when he noticed the big difference in how he felt, just because he swapped our avatars, I realized that it probably had to do with our reversed roles.


Because FF is not my natural sexual orientation, he understood that I was projecting into his female avatar often. Many heterosexual men have created female avatars because female avatars get sex partners more easily. Then they project into their male partner's avatar. So when his avatar takes on the more passive role, I project into her, not on my own avatar, because I can relate with her passivity better.

I thought he was projecting into my avatar, when I take the more assertive role. But, many times in the past two months or so, he would get a feeling that he never expected and it would amaze him. And I'd say, "Yes! That's exactly how I felt when you ..." and I'd recall a situation we had a long time ago when I was in his shoes.

He is finally understanding why I did certain things, why I made sacrifices for him, why I felt insecure. He was understanding those things from a first-person perspective.

I too have had my own aha! moments when I began to understand how he felt when he dominated me.


Today, we realized that the reversal of roles intensifies our sexual relationship as well, because we essentially experience it "in stereo".

When I first started with stereoscopy, I marveled at how intense the images looked in 3D. Someone in the stereoscopy community responded that it's because our brain gets twice the information — once from the image in the left eye and again from the image in the right eye. Two slightly different 2D images processed by the brain as a single image in 3D.

So, the role reversal is something like that. We naturally relate to the role we are familiar with — the dominant role for him and the passive role for me. But in the process of acting out the reversed roles, we also get the perspective from the opposite side — the passive role for him and the dominant role for me. So each of us actually get the full perspective because we get the view from both roles. Deeply, intimately. In the first person. Like stereoscopy. That's why these experiences have been intense.

Anyway, that's my theory, and he thinks it makes sense. :)


Our relationship continues to evolve. We've become more emotionally and psychologically intimate. We're not the same people that we were the first time. The situation is different, because we are each other's only serious relationship nowadays. And, because of the reversal of roles, we relate differently with each other. Because of the reversal of roles, we understand each other better. From experience, not just from logic.

Tying a posthumous knot

My fifth partnership in all of SL. My third with Wolfgang. Another tie that binds me to him. Another knot.

We decided to do it today, which is exactly five years after I surrendered to him in our first RP. The surrender that felt like a wedding.

We also decided to do it all without logging the pair into SL. It was all done on the website. Our relationship still has landmines, and this pair is one of those landmines. Too risky. Too emotional. And he is fighting to keep us together by avoiding those landmines.

We were logged into our current pair, which was the first pair we partnered. And we went to the "grave site" of the pair we partnered today to do the partnership there. It felt like a wake, like a ceremony for the dead. It was bittersweet. I cried.

Then I thought to bring Alt #6 to "visit" us again. I saw his strong affection for her, his sadness for losing her, how he missed her. At moments like that, he reminds me of my father.

But he was soothed with her presence. Well, more aroused than soothed. Just by her presence, he said. Like Pavlov's dogs, I said. He laughed.

Needless to say, I was late for work. :)

"Filling the Cauldron"

It was March 20, 2011. Almost six years ago.

Ember Farina had given me a tour of the 2011 Fantasy Faire sims which were being built for the event. I was one of the merchants participating. One of the sims took my breath away. Ember told me the builder's name -- Elicio Ember.

That same day, I went to Cerridwen's Cauldron and bought half the store. (Elicio later confirmed that I bought "more than half" the store.) Then, after my shopping spree, I IM'd him, starting with:

[2011-03-20 22:40:52]  Opal Lei: Hello, Elicio.  Will you marry me?  LOL

I was in such awe of his work. And I still am. His products have a certain magical feel about them that you don't see often. It's dark, it's deep, it's complex, it haunts your soul, it speaks to your subconscious, it terrifies your dreams, it charms your intuition, it brings undefined archetypes to the fore.

Today, I heard about his father and his family's predicament from a Fantasy Faire group notice, and I learned more in the Filling the Cauldron site.

So, off I went happily for another shopping spree. :)

Yes, I bought half the store again. :)

Nope, I didn't ask him to marry me this time. :)

(Also see Where's Dim Sum? #42 and #45.)

Dancing with a memory

Yes, I'm sentimental.

Yes, I'm weird.

Yes, it's eerie.

In SL, you can remember someone with more than just still images or chat logs or machinima. In SL, you can remember with a dance.

Yes, his avie is just an empty shell now. Yes, there's no conversation that makes the dance special. But mfpwtff and I made our anniversary dance somewhat of a tradition. Even if he's no longer here, what's wrong with continuing a tradition to remember what we had and to honor his memory?

Yes, I'm sentimental.
Yes, I'm weird.
Yes, I miss him.