A dance outside time

We had our anniversary dance tonight -- me and mfpwtff.

All we did was dance and talk and talk and talk. We chat in our main alts too, occasionally, but there's something different when you take your exclusive alts and devote a certain time just to each other.

There's a different kind of honesty between us now. A different kind of trust. A different kind of raw. And it's surprisingly gentle and smooth, like a ripple on a quiet lake. And it is soothing to the soul.

We talked about relationships, about alts, about projects. We caught up with what's going on in our lives. Then we talked about more abstract things, like death and bucket lists.

It was a quiet talk, a gentle rhythm, but continuous. It was a dance outside time.



Towards the end, he talked about how my book was the catalyst that made him put a great effort on being a better man. He described the moment when he read a passage. There were other coincidences that day.

I thought it was ironic, because much of my book was about my lovers. Their relationships with me gave me the insights that became the book. And, yet, he was telling me that he got something significant from the book. It's like the blessing, the gift, whatever it was, boomeranged back to him.

Then I reminded him of something I said when we were still together. I told him that, based on my experience in SL, men over 50 tend to treat women differently, with greater respect and understanding and care and tenderness. I think he laughed then, so many years ago. He didn't see how a few years could make a big difference. So, I told him to ping me after he turns 50.

When I reminded him tonight, he remembered. And he agreed. He treats women differently now. And he's a sweeter friend because of it.

We're kinda in the same place these days. He has seductresses tempting him; I have suitors wooing me. But we're both not ready to "settle" down. It's not because we want to have more "fun". He's actually looking for an honest-to-goodness RL relationship, and it sounds like he doesn't want to compromise. And, these days, I'm learning to give myself the love that I've been giving away too generously.

After our 3rd anniversary, we thought we'd do this dance annually, but for some reason or another, we missed the 4th and the 5th.

Well, in spite of our record, we're planning to dance again next year. And I'm looking forward to that. :)

Deserving

Something has been sticking in my mind the past few days. It was a conversation I had with W not too long before we finally split up.

I said that I usually leave when I think I don't deserve the other person.

He laughed and he said he usually leaves when he thinks the other person doesn't deserve him.

Nothing surprising about that. He always admitted that he is egotistical.

I didn't say any more about the subject.

Soon after, after a long heart-wrenching decision, I left him, even though he didn't want me to.

I left him because I don't deserve him.... I left him because I deserve better.