A year ago today

[2010/11/25 01:13]
Alt#11: This is your first SL account?
Rocky: No I've been here before ... a very long time ago
Alt#11: You left and came back?
Rocky: Yes . . . Have been away for several years.
Rocky: Couldn't even remember the old account name
Rocky: LOL
Alt#11 smiles.
Alt#11: Love affair gone wrong?
Rocky: OMG how sad is it that I could be so predictable
Alt#11: LOL
Alt#11: Well, it's almost always the reason why people leave SL.
Rocky: How about You? ... an alt or original
Alt#11: Alt #11 actually.
Rocky: OMG
Alt#11 grins.
Rocky: Does that mean you've had your heart broken 10 times already?
Alt#11: If I left every time my heart got broken, I'd have maybe about 50 alts by now.

If I left every time my heart got broken, I'd be creating a new alt right about now.

Left the pilgrim and echoes of a lover

Left the pilgrim

I already knew about the lies.  I already knew the two pilgrims were lovers.  I also knew that their relationship was a D/s one.  And I knew that the blonde dom had a female lover as well.  However, I also sensed that Alt #11's presence in the sub's life was causing a rift between them.  I didn't trust the dom; he didn't trust me.  I was trying to explain why my presence wasn't good for them, when the sub suddenly started being verbally abusive.  So I said goodbye and logged off.

Echoes of a lover

Since then, I've met two men who have too much in common with Rocky that I had to ask if I had met them before.

Echo #1 met Alt #6.  He's very new to SL and his artistic profile prompted me to IM him.  He was actually a techie.  I was planning to transfer him over to Alt #11 by the second date, but we had a misunderstanding that gave me second thoughts, so I decided to delay the transfer.  He was worried about the disappointment if we should meet irl.  And for him, a relationship in SL*has* to flow out to real life; it couldn't just stay in SL.  So, we agreed to end it there.  I was crying.

Interestingly, I was very upset about it for a few days.  I was upset about the "breakup" for longer than the duration of the affair.  But I knew it wasn't him or that relationship that I was upset about, but old issues cropping up because of it.  And the ache of missing the one he reminded me of.

Echo #2 met Alt #11.  For several reasons that I won't go into, I fear that this one might even be linked closer to Rocky in real life than any of us could imagine.  And he lived in the exact same city where I once lived, and synchronicity like that makes me sit up and pay attention.  When he used an expression that Rocky loves to use, I freaked out.  When I explained that it was an expression a lover uses, Echo #2 said he wouldn't use it again.

That first night, he wanted to be one of my lovers.  We even did a roleplay of him filling out an application and of me interviewing him for the position.  On the second date, I bought one of his RL photographs for my art collection, then we explored a monastery and a castle, then we made love.

But I couldn't feel a connection, even though I tried.  It felt as though there was a psychological wall.  He was nice, he was polite, but there was no emotional openness.  I suspect he's still deeply in love with his ex-partner, whom he says is now married in real life.  They were still business partners in SL until the next day after our second date.  He said that she wanted to get out of the rental business and so he took over the land she owns.  I wondered if he had told her about me, which prompted her decision to untangle.

We were supposed to meet again tonight, but he stood me up.  I logged in at 9pm and wrote him an offline at 10:30pm.  At 11pm, as I was about to log off, he replied to my offline via email and said he had just arrived home. Now, I have second thoughts about this one too.

I'm pretty sure it's me.  I just don't have that fire anymore.  Maybe it's the hysterectomy.  Maybe I really don't have time or patience to start over with new lovers, because I have more pressing real-life needs.  Maybe what I really need these days is not the excitement of a new affair, but solace from an old love.

If only the old loves would log back in.

"'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away..."