"Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!"

Today, I heard a "ding-ding".

The IM was from him, from Tom of The Cromlech. First, there was the system message that said my autoresponse was sent to him. Then, there was his ...

"Is it Monday?"

This time, it wasn't a dream. Obviously.

And he didn't follow the script; he was supposed to say "hi" and not ask if it's Monday yet. That was MY line.

I asked him if he had read my blog. He said no. So I copied the first three paragraphs from yesterday's post into the IM window.

Opal: You miss me, I presume?
Tom: Of course I do.

So I met him to give him a hug.

Tom: missed me, I presume
Opal Lei smiles.
Opal: if you didn't miss me, I wouldn't sense you.
Opal: If I didn't sense you, I wouldn't miss you.
Opal: If I didn't miss you, you wouldn't sense me.
Opal: If you didn't sense me, you wouldn't miss me.
Opal: That's why I asked for 2 weeks.
Tom: I don't enjoy not talking to someone who has a place in my heart
Opal: Then the cycle will keep going.

For him, friendships mean saying hi whenever he sees them log in. I wondered if I should just hide my status from him. He said if I do that, then I might as well just dissolve the friendship.

All or nothing.

Opal: I don't think we're done.
Opal: I've said that before.
Opal: If we were done, there won't be this attraction anymore.
Opal: There won't be this pull.
Tom: I dont know how you understand friendship
Tom: I don't feel a lover's pull towards you
Tom: I feel a friend's need to stay in touch
Tom: and share your life
Tom: There's a big difference for me.

He kept saying I should dissolve the friendship, but he claimed it wasn't his wish. Finally, he agreed (again) to not bother me for two weeks.

But in the end, he still called me "love".

To be honest, I see all these red flags. I get conflicting messages; he says one thing and then denies that's what he meant. He disregards my boundaries; I asked to be left alone for two weeks; he couldn't stay away for more than a few days. He didn't like the fact that I analyze my relationships and that I clearly define my boundaries, because it is "distancing", meaning I lose his affections.

It was as though he demanded more of my affections and trust, when I had already trusted him with my RL information, whereas he wouldn't even trust me with a copy of the RL picture, which I saw in his 1st life tab before I made him aware that there's really no anonymity online.

Whether he's conscious of what he's doing or not, it feels like he's trying to gain some kind of control over me.

And there's a little voice inside me that's warning, "Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!"

Karmic Second Life

Today, I heard a "ding-ding".

The IM was from him, from Tom of The Cromlech. First, there was the system message that said my autoresponse was sent to him. Then, there was his "Hi". That was it. I said "Hi" back. Then a pregnant pause as though we didn't know what to say, which has been typical since we broke up. I asked him what's up. Then a blurry few lines that didn't make sense. Maybe I protested because I asked him not to IM me for a couple of weeks. Maybe I asked him how he was, and all he said was "calm as a wind" or "calm as" something. I forget. But it was a comparison that didn't make sense.

Then I woke up.

This was the most lucid dream I had of him yet. Since the day we met, he had been in my night dreams. There's strong karma here and it's not going to be pleasant. I have a feeling I'm in for a difficult lesson.

In contrast, I had a wonderful morning with Lucky Bastard yesterday before I went to bed. We were on voice the entire time. I mentioned that my new affairs lately seem to last only a week, and he said that maybe I needed someone in real life. I said I don't want a real-life relationship; I have great fear. I hadn't told him the story of my marriage. And as I started telling him, he asked if I wanted to voice instead of typing it out. I guess he sensed it would be a long story. :)

It was the first time I heard his voice. And I heard the voice of a man who is wise and kind and gentle and patient. The voice of a man who cares deeply but doesn't impose his will on others. I heard his laughter. Such wonderful laughter that came with the great wit and sense of humor.

Even though he holds the "title" Lucky Bastard, it is I who am lucky for having met him. He came when I needed him most, and he was there for me. He said that it was karma. If so, I must have done something really good in a previous life.

Towards the end of that conversation, I realized that he is becoming more and more what MAMJJ was to me. Just as MAMJJ was, Lucky Bastard has now also become my teacher, my guru.

Minds like mine

Minds like mine invented and built the computers that you now read this blog from.

Minds like mine created the software systems that made this fantastic virtual world possible.

Minds like mine are wonderful at creating so many things and doing so many things.

Being effusively emotional isn't one of them.

Too cerebral

"I find it very distancing and unspontaneous. Everything seems deliberate. Too deliberate, too cerebral."

That's his ISFP self talking about my INTJ self, because I moved him from one alt to another and then proposed a 30-day time limit on the affair, even though I explained why.

But this is who I am. I am INTJ. I'm the exact opposite of what he wants. He wanted me to be emotional, and I thought I already was. With him, I always felt not good enough, and more than once I felt like an idiot because I didn't know some obscure fact. Why the hell am I expected to know about a little country in Africa? As an ISFP, he's more interested in facts. As INTJ, I'm more interested in ideas. I accept that difference; he doesn't.

He would complain about things that I don't know how to fix. He says I have the potential to "sweep someone" (off their feet?) because he had a glimpse of that side of me, and he wanted me to sweep him. I had no idea how. Wasn't that something that just happens spontaneously?

When I think about it, his questions probing about my relationships, asking me to compare him with other men I've been with, felt as though he was choosing between me and another, as though he was weighing the pros and cons of being with me.

Finally, he pondered that we might be better off as friends than lovers. So, we remain friends, but I warned hm I don't have time for friends. He didn't like that.

Yesterday he IM'd me just to say hello, but, as usual, he was distracted. He was dancing with an old flame, while working and chatting with me. I told him I thought it was disrespectful to her because he wasn't focusing on her. He disagreed. I asked if she even knew that he was chatting with me, and he said that he didn't have to give status reports.

He IM'd me again in the evening. I thought that if he kept IM'ing me, that he was hurting from the breakup, so I offered a hug, and he accepted. But, as we started talking, he seemed very cynical and cold. And he was distracted again, I'm sure, so I said I needed to get back to work. I had given him time during the past week, in spite of having deadlines. There was no point to that, if he's not my lover anymore. I don't have to wait on him.

After we said goodnight, I IM'd him again with a request. I asked for no contact for a couple of weeks, to give me time to heal. After a short discussion, he finally agreed. There would be silence.

I know he's hurting, but he's too proud to admit it. In that sense, we are very much alike. I am hurting but I'm too proud to admit it. At least, to him. I confess in this blog instead.

They say we hate in other people what we hate about ourselves, and we admire in other people what we like about ourselves. There were many instances when he rubbed me the wrong way unconsciously and I let them pass. It'll take some time for me to process what he is reflecting back to me. If nothing else, maybe I'd learn a lesson or two.

A lotus

As if on cue, Lucky Bastard logged in after a long absence, looking for me since yesterday. I think there's a psychic link between us now that he could sense when I need him, when my heart is breaking.

We caught up with each other today (technically yesterday) and he said he was thinking about me. I jokingly asked which part of me he was thinking of and he simply said, "soul." And after we passed witty remarks about my dirty mind, he said, "lotus always grows in the dirtiest waters."

A compliment is one thing. That was way beyond a compliment. That was a witnessing. It was as though he said, "I see the true you" in the deepest sense.

I remember something I said many years ago to MAMJJ that he was my witness. At that time, he was the only one who knew my RL identity and my RL-associated alt and he was witness to everything I did. He hasn't been into SL for a very long time now.

Now, Lucky is my witness. He sees me. All the way into my soul.

In a world like this, it is extremely rare to find someone who cares deeply enough to watch over you, who delves deep to truly know you, who accepts and loves you exactly for who you are. He never said he loves me. But what he does for me speaks volumes.

A song dedication

I was feeling lost. Once in a while, I'd get a surge of emotions so strong that my torso would physically curl as though I was hit in the chest. But I have to work.

I was playing Il Divo in Rhapsody in the background. When I heard "Come Primavera", I remembered Rapido. After I checked the time, I realized it was halfway through his show, and I hadn't listened to his show for months, so I did.

He was talking when I turned it on. And suddenly the world changed. It felt like it did when we were together. Images came back to my mind... the pavilion with the elephant he never said anything about, the hammock on the beach sky-orb. There was sun in my mind again.

Then suddenly, I half understood he was about to play a song for "una amiga". Then he said "Il Divo". Then he said other things (in Spanish, of course), but he explicitly said "Opal Lei" several times as though he was making sure that I knew it was for me. I had a big grin on my face.

He remembers me. He remembers us.

He knew I was listening, because his website has tools that showed what cities listeners were from.

If it's real, the love never fades away.

Tom of The Cromlech

By 2am Wednesday morning, Alt #6 (the sex alt) already had sex but was hanging out at a beach, juggling IMs with a couple of guys. Then a ding-ding.

He asked if I wrote my profile myself. I said, "Of course. Copyrighted and all rights reserved." He invited me to another beach for a dance. I politely declined since it would have been disrespectful to the ones I was already chatting with.

As if on cue, one of the guys I was chatting with had to go. And the other conversation was slowing down, so I wrapped it up. And soon, I was dancing with this charming man on a lovely beach.

When I went to bed that morning, I had a dream about him. Actually, it was him and Lucky Bastard blended into one character.

On Thursday morning, he said he loved me very much since the first day. I was stunned.

On Friday morning, he briefly met Alt #11, but he still preferred Alt #6. So, I went back to that alt. I asked him to make the usual promises. He didn't like negotiating. Then he let me read the poem "The Cromlech" by Louis MacNeice. And he called me "Tessy" and I called him "Tom." Then he read me one of his own poems.

I decided to introduce him to Opal and my RL, since I've recently outed Opal anyway. It just made it a lot easier to talk about myself, instead of deciding which information to reveal and which not.

But that evening, we had a spat. We had been going into foreplay, but he decided that we should wait until Monday, when he would not be interrupted. As we were saying goodbye, I said something about going out to take the edge off. He correctly assumed I was going out for sex. Then he asked questions so I thought it bothered him, but he said it didn't. Then he said that he had other women he makes love to, just as I had other men. That statement bothered me. I want to know the truth, but it didn't have to be rubbed in my face. After he left, I decided to move him out of Alt #6; I didn't want emotional attachments there, after all.

By Saturday, the spat was forgotten, and he was moved over to Opal. Since then, I'd ask if it's Monday yet. :)

By Sunday morning, it was "Monday." Unexpectedly.

By Monday morning, we had voiced, although I couldn't hear him well because of static noise. But it was just casual conversation.

This morning, we exchanged complete horoscope charts. :D And I've never done that with anyone else before. I'm beginning to see where we differ. Horoscopes say we're completely compatible. But his MBTI is almost the exact opposite of mine.

Yeah, maybe I analyze too much.

Anyway, I saw Lucky Bastard and Surf once each this past week. No sex with either. *sigh* Why is it that the more lovers I have, the less sex I get? I'm beginning to suspect that sex and love are two opposite ends of a spectrum. The more sex you get, the less love; the more love you get, the less sex.

Or maybe the more love you get, the less sex you need. Especially if the sex you get is just a substitute for the love you need.