We have been saying goodbye since early February. Coming and going. Wanting and rejecting. Fighting and making up. And with each goodbye, we get closer. Ironic that.

Tonight, we had another one of those quasi-goodbyes. Just as tender as the last one, but we decided not to prolong it; otherwise, we'd end up crying all night again and I might end up naked with a white veil again.

But this time, it feels better, the air is clearer. And I think it's partly because of the reason this time -- he'll be working on his marriage. His wife had committed to it and so he is committing to it. And I can't help but admire him for that.

So I step back. The friendship remains; we're not giving that up. But it will just be in the back burner, so I don't distract his efforts.

Surprisingly, I am truly happy. Because this means real-life happiness for him, not just a fantasy. And his happiness makes me happy. And, to top it off, the cricket is happy, because he's feeding the cricket now. So, no matter what happens after this, the cricket will forever be quiet with regards to him.

Up Where We Belong - Joe Cocker

tgyi, mfpwtff.

I never really gave him a nickname in this blog. I *do* have a nickname for him that came out of a conversation a long time ago, and I've tacked it on, somewhat mysteriously, at the bottom of a previous post. But it's long and it's a secret, so it's in code -- "mfpwtff". Don't ask me what the other four letters are; that's a secret code too. :D

Update two hours later: If I am so happy, why is this pain here?

Beauty is in the eye of ...

HiHo did a MODA Spotlight show this past Monday featuring RFyre. After the show, Mak commanded him (in the public voice channel) to meet her in the backroom later. LOL

Anyway, the models got gift cards from RFyre, with instructions to send transaction records to Harper Beresford. Well, HiHo handed his gift card over to Opal, since, well, he doesn't need any clothes. And Opal went shopping last night then sent the transaction records and the gift card back to Harper.

This morning, Harper sent HiHo the refund and an offline IM with a rhetorical question: "... and how come women make better male avatars?!?!?" LOL

Well, I have a theory. Or two. Or three.

Theory #1

When Alt #9 was taking the then-newly-born BF #2 around to look for hair, I commented, "You notice that when you see men shopping, there's usually a woman with them?" His response was "that's to keep the men from running out and blowing clothes money on a rod and reel ... or a shot gun ... or a pair of yosemite sam mud flaps for the truck ...." So, you can ask a guy where you can buy the best HUD for anything (especially sex HUDs) or the best TV screen and he'll give you a long list of vendors with pros and cons. But if you ask him where you can buy the best skin or shoes, he'll give you the one or two places where he got his, if you're lucky.

That's also why most male avatars look alike. They all went to the same store. (I'm kidding! I'm kidding! I know there are so few good male skins out there. LOL)

Theory #2

There's this book about self-identity (but unfortunately, I can't remember the title and it's hidden somewhere in this pile of boxes in my living room) and it says that women generally think they're fatter than they really are and men think they're in better shape than they really are. So, men generally don't have issues about how they look. And they come into SL thinking they're pretty good-looking and so try to make their avatars look like their real selves. And, ummm, let's just say that it doesn't translate well to the medium.

Either that or they get some satisfaction in the fact that a drop-dead gorgeous woman (virtual though she may be) would be so willing to hop into the sack with someone who looks like him.

Meanwhile, women who make male avatars are trying to recreate their dream boat, so, yeah, he'll look better than your average guy.

Theory #3

I think men tend to drink a few beers before they tackle the unpleasant task of modifying their avatar. Capos Calderwood (aka Alex Whitmore irl) has a song that goes, "Beauty... it's in the eye of the beerholder... Tonight we'll drink until we look okay..." So they just keep drinking until their avatar looks okay.


Now, keep in mind that this doesn't apply to ALL men; I'm just generalizing. Besides, tbh, I've actually seen quite a few really good ones out there, created by men without any help from a woman. Unfortunately, as Kit and I were lamenting just last night, most of them are gay.


On the other hand, some men know enough to ask a woman for help and so end up looking like a young Robert Redford.


On cruise control

Yesterday, I made a decision. Yesterday, I decided to move on.

I could have just moved on without a word, as I'm sure he has. But I don't want another "I wish I knew" night that complicates life. I don't want another misunderstanding. So I sent him an email yesterday. He hasn't replied to my emails for a while now, and I'm not expecting a response to that one either. But it served its purpose; it was an act of release, of letting go.

I could have listened to what Anna had been advising for years. I could have preserved my boundaries and kept him with my sex alt. But then I would have missed out on an incredible emotional experience. And, most importantly, I would have missed out on a potential great friendship.

But life is a one-lane road. Sometimes, other roads run alongside for a while, and then they veer off to other directions. But there's that deep serenity when you're driving solo. You can hear your own thoughts. You can enjoy the scenery. The world is at peace.

/me sets the cruise control, turns on the music, and breathes.

I happened

This past relationship was stranger than previous ones because there were too many synchronicities around us. But there was also another reason -- something about him reminded me often of my RL ex-husband. Superficially, they are very different. But their *souls* feel the same.

And I think that's why this breakup is so complicated. There's a lot of emotional connections weaving in and out of the whole mess. At least on my side. It's not just about *this* specific relationship; it's also about a past marriage.

Today, I felt emotions that I thought I had already dealt with almost a decade ago during my divorce. The emotions were still as strong, but they came and went in a span of a few hours, instead of months. It just took me by surprise that this SL breakup would trigger an RL memory so strongly.

When I was going through my divorce and for months afterwards, I withdrew from friends and family. It's how I deal with grief, how I deal with pain. Somehow, I've opened up to a lot of friends this time around and most have given me advice. But most importantly, they've given me a shoulder to cry on, a hug for soothing, a dance for distraction. I will always be very grateful for those.

And I am also grateful for the funny responses to my blog entry. Be said, "Opal ... that entry can be an entire movie :)". Meanwhile, Anna simply sent me a picture of a train wreck. She always claimed that, because of my SL relationships, I'm a train wreck waiting to happen.

Well, I guess I happened.